Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Dale Joins a Band
At my age, life is a series of routines. I go to work. I come home. I have dinner with my family. I help with homework. We go on a vacation now and then. There are very few surprises. A wild night consists of playing cards with the Tiki Gal, Dale and Daphne. Routines. Life is good.
Recently, however, Dale joined a band. Dale is a drummer who happens to work in a non-music related industry, a father, a husband, and a good friend. At heart, though, I think he is a drummer. Daphne understands this better than anyone. One evening she went to the store and, contrary to her nature, struck up a conversation with the guy behind the cash register. He said he was a musician in a band. She said her husband was a drummer. The guy behind the cash register said his band was looking for a drummer. Serendipity.
The next thing I know, I'm being carded at the door of a bar that I would never have had reason to visit before Dale joined a band. The Tiki Gal, Daphne and I spotted Dale on the stage with his drums - the same drums he's had since he was twelve - and I must admit that my eyes grew a little moist. That may have been because of the cigarette smoke, however. That stuff was deadly.
We said hello to Dale and found a table. We were soon approached by the waitress and what we knew of the world was turned upside down in an instant. First of all, the waitress had long, luxurious blond hair that looked a lot like the style once worn by David Coverdale, the lead singer of Whitesnake. She was well built for a lady of her age although I think at least a couple of body parts may have actually been a gift from David Coverdale. She was wearing tight jeans and a pink tube top that defied gravity. That tube top spent the entire evening at exactly the tipping point where any stray breeze could have sent it plummeting from orbit. I was torn about my preference in the matter.
Next, we had to order drinks. As regular readers will already know, Dale and I are proud beer snobs and this bar was definitely looking like a beer swill sort of place. I don't know what I would have done if Dale hadn't pointed out that Stella Artois was available. The girls didn't have it so easy, however. We've learned that waitresses tend to look at you funny if you order a Squeezy Squeezy or a Curious George and this place definitely didn't have a drink menu. Therefore, Daphne pipes up and orders a Merlot. Pretty in Pink, the waitress, looked a little confused and said, "I think we might be out." The Tiki Gal quickly whispered, "You're going to get our asses kicked. You don't order wine in a place like this." They settled for rum and Coke. Routine was taking serious damage already.
Pretty in Pink swayed by with our drinks so we sorted through the pile of cardboard coasters on the table to avoid marring the tabletops. We were not that surprised to find a coaster advertising a bail bonds company. This is called directed marketing, I think. A couple of other couples had arrived to listen to Dale's debut and the female halves of these couples thought it would be funny to not mention to their husbands that: a) Dale was playing in the band they were going to see, and b) that the band would be playing in a bar. It was funny all right. One of the guys showed up wearing an argyle sweater vest, for goodness sake. He wouldn't have been more out of place if he had worn nothing but a pair of chaps and a cowboy hat. Actually, he might have fit in better that way.
It was time for the band to start so Dale took his place on the stage. And just like that, I was friends with a professional musician. The band played a mix of classic rock, old country, new country and even threw in a Jack Johnson song. All of it sounded really good. Really, really good. They added just a little edge to each of the songs and made them their own. Our fellow bar patrons initially were fairly indifferent to the music being made. They continued playing pool, flirting with unattractive members of the opposite sex, and drinking. By the second song, however, people had moved toward the stage and were paying attention. By the end of the first set, most everyone was into the music. Except the guys with the mullets. They were busy practicing their pool shark skills. They needed a lot of practice - and new haircuts.
Meanwhile, the Tiki Gal and Daphne were complaining about their rum and Cokes. Apparently, the bar didn't use the highest quality of rum. After some debate over the next drink choice, it was decided that Daphne and the Tiki Gal would have a beer. Not a beer to share. A beer each. I picked my jaw up off the floor, kept my eyes up, and ordered Stellas from Pretty in Pink. For Daphne and the Tiki Gal. Beer.
I admit that I was thinking it would be a failed experiment and I would end up finishing the four-fifths of their beers that they couldn't choke down. Not only did they finish their beers, they ordered another. And they finished that one too. The girls are beer drinkers. Routine, shattered. The Mayans might be right after all.
The first set ended and Dale joined us at the table. Daphne and the Tiki Gal made sure to point out that adding the other three band members ages together got close to Dale's age. You can always count on them to be supportive. Dale simply said, "I used to carpool with the guitarist's grandma." Then Dale walked away. Not only is he a great drummer, he gets all the best lines.
The second set contained more great music. The crowd was really into it now and even tried to dance on a dance floor roughly the size of a phone booth. We began to notice the flirting and seduction more as the night went on. The Tiki Gal said she was glad she wasn't single. I have to agree. Pretty in Pink danced. She ran her hands through her hair and kept reaching for a pole that wasn't there. That tube top kept on hanging in there. It deserves a prize.
Before long, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to find an older lady wearing a lot of makeup holding a hideous wicker basket filled with stuffed animals and fake roses for sale. Is this what romance has devolved to? Does buying a girl an artificial flower really ever work for those guys? Based on what I saw in that bar, I think they guys should skip the fake flowers and pour more money into buying the ladies drinks. Beer gogles were essential equipment.
Dale joined us again after the second set and I could tell he was having fun. He was a drummer in his element. We were having fun too. We listened to good music. We spent time with friends. We saw things we will never unsee. Some of us became beer drinkers and I would do it all again in a second.
Since we are old, we didn't stay until the band was done. As the Tiki Gal, Daphne and I drove home we discussed how beer makes you thirsty. We also talked about that last bitter swallow in the bottom of the bottle. Surreal. Maybe a new routine is what we all needed without even knowing it.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Old Cuban
Walking into the dimly lit tavern, we had no idea that our lives were about to change so dramatically. It all started so innocently. Dale and I wanted to take Daphne and the Tiki Gal out for a nice dinner. We chose the Brady Tavern because it was fairly new, it was owned by the same guy who owns McNellie's, and we had heard good things about it. We made the short drive to downtown Tulsa, quickly found the restaurant, and went inside.
We were led past the bar and through a doorway to a table in the main dining area. The room was lit by candles on the tables so it was pleasingly dim. The building was old and the owner had made the smart decision to showcase the original architecture by not covering the faded brick wall. He had also enhanced the effect by installing dark, hardwood floors and decorating with pictures and photos of bygone eras.
Once we were seated, the waiter served us chilled water out of a wine bottle and handed us the drink menus. This is the exact moment when the trouble started. Daphne and the Tiki Gal were browsing the menus, looking for something a little different, a little exotic when, simultaneously, they spotted them. Bronzed by the sun and with their years of experience showing plainly in their sparkling eyes, they sat comfortably at the bar. They exuded a classic romanticism with which Dale and I just couldn't compete. Lime green eyes, sweet dispositions, refreshing simplicity with just a hint of minty flair, an effervescent sense of humor, and just a dash of spicy exoticism drew Daphne and the Tiki Gal in like sharks to chum and before Dale and I knew what was happening, they were hooked. Our wives had introduced themselves to a couple of Old Cubans and we were yesterday's news, gone and forgotten, old fries under the car seat, toast.
The worst part was that Dale and I had to watch it all happen. The girls were tentative at first because they didn't know what to expect. They flirted softly, gently with a quiet laugh and toss of the hair. That first taste was like ambrosia, however, and innocent, coquettish behavior soon flew out the window. They were quickly all over those Old Cubans like fruit flies on ripe bananas. There was no teasing involved, they just got right down to it and enjoyed those Old Cubans with a gusto Dale and I had seldom seen. We were, of course, taken aback by this extraordinary chain of events but we knew that once the girls got going, it was best just to let them finish.
Once Daphne and the Tiki Gal had emptied the Old Cubans, they started looking longingly toward the bar and Dale and I knew we were in for a long night. The girls spotted two more and, well, the rest is difficult for me to recount so I'll leave it to the imagination. I'll just say that the second set of Old Cubans left our table just as drained as the first.
On the drive back home, Daphne and the Tiki Gal talked incessantly about the satisfaction that the Old Cubans had brought to them. Being the forward thinking husbands that we are, Dale and I promised to invite a few Old Cubans over to the Tiki Hut some night in the near future because we knew how much pleasure the girls would get from another rendezvous. The girls, tired and contented, were happy with this news and I thought the excitement would die down for a while. I was wrong.
The very next day, Daphne found a picture of an Old Cuban on the Internet and texted it to the Tiki Gal. They sat and giggled over the picture for hours like a couple of love-sick teenagers over a picture of one of those Twilight actors. Then, Daphne found directions to the Old Cubans on the Internet and printed them out for later consultation. Dale and I began to get worried. This was no simple case of puppy love. Daphne and the Tiki Gal had a full-on infatuation with the Old Cubans. This was serious.
We decided that if we were going to have to share the girls with Old Cubans, we should at least do it in the privacy of the Tiki Hut. So using the directions provided by Daphne, we rounded up what we thought was a more than sufficient supply of Old Cubans and brought them to the Tiki Hut one evening. The girls were excited but nervous. What if these Old Cubans weren't as... fulfilling as the Brady Tavern originals? What if these Old Cubans couldn't hit the mark set so high on that evening just a few weeks before?
Daphne and the Tiki Gal soon learned they had nothing to fear. They went at the first set of Old Cubans with a deep-seated thirst that was barely slated. They quickly called for two more Old Cubans and quickly exhausted them as well. The third pair of Old Cubans made an entrance and were just as quickly used up. Dale and I were looking at each other in amazement. We had never seen the girls go at it quite like this. Watching them was scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Our anticipation was quickly building, as you can imagine, when the girls called for the fourth pair of Old Cubans. This was unprecedented. Four times in one night! Dale and I wondered if this would carry over into the rest of the evening while rubbing our hands together in anticipation. When will we ever learn?
After the girls finished with their fourth set of Old Cubans, they were exhausted. They were a bit giddy and their cheeks were flushed from all the pleasure they had drained from those fellows but any further activity was well beyond them. They needed sleep and they needed it right now. With smiles on our faces but disappointment in our hearts, Dale and I put the girls to bed, tucked them in, and lay awake thinking about what might have been... what might have been if they hadn't just had four Old Cubans each.
Old Cuban
½ ounce lime juice
½ ounce simple syrup
8-10 fresh mint leaves
2 ounces aged or good-quality rum
2 dashes Angostura bitters
Dry champagne
Dry champagne
Muddle the mint leaves in a mixing glass along with the lime juice, simple syrup, bitters and rum. Shake well with ice and strain into a martini glass. Strain again if desired. Top with champagne and drop a mint leaf in for a garnish.
Simple Syrup
Bring one cup water to a boil. Turn off heat and add two cups sugar. Stir until sugar is dissolved. Let cool before using. Refrigerate unused portion.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Cruise Bingo
After we decided to go on our February cruise, the Tiki Gal and I were playing cards with Daphne and Dale, as we are prone to do, when we started talking about all of the wonderful things we had experienced on our previous cruises. To commemorate these experiences we thought it would be fun to create a Cruise Bingo game. We wrote down a list of the experiences that should appear in Cruise Bingo and I created a program that would randomly place them on bingo cards - yes, I'm truly a huge nerd. We printed out a bunch of cards and laminated them. When we got in the car to drive to Galveston for the cruise, we each drew four cards and the competition began.
To make a long story short, Daphne won Cruise Bingo by finding twenty-one of the twenty-four items on one of her cards. For winning, Daphne took home a lovely handcrafted necklace that was designed and produced in the Tiki household. Oddly enough, Daphne has not worn the necklace since the cruise. She must be saving it for a really special occasion.
In honor of Daphne's big win, here are the items on her card.
Bad lounge singing
Daphne didn't have any trouble checking this item off her card. There was bad lounge singing on this cruise everywhere we turned. The singer in the piano bar was best listened to after drinking heavily. We were subjected to a version of "Margaritaville" that could have only been worse if someone had died during the performance. It was so bad that we started going to watch the karaoke competition where at least the singing was supposed to be awful.
First visit to Cozumel
Before Carol's untimely demise, we always joked that her next visit to Cozumel would always be her first due to her rocky relationship with tequila. She always had a really good time in Cozumel but she seldom enjoyed the aftermath. Poor Carol never did get to visit Cozumel but Daphne was happy to enjoy this beautiful island for the first time.
Inappropriate dinner wear
Two words: vintage crack.
Fatal sunburn
On a typical cruise, there are many, many opportunities to spot the sunblock challenged. On this cruise, however, we were with a lot of older folks who avoid the sun like they avoid purchasing small cars. We were halfway through the week before Daphne spotted one of the waitresses at the supper club who had apparently been roasted in one of the ovens.
Hair braider
This item is pretty much a free space because hair braiders on a Caribbean island are as thick as bad lounge singers on a cruise ship.
Frisking
Daphne didn't get to check this space, I'm happy to report. I'm happy because the frisking always seems to apply to me. I've been frisked by a female security guard in Jamaica and by a lunch lady at a Jimmy Buffet concert. I would rather forget both of those experiences so I was not disappointed to be spared yet another frisking.
Slot tournament
On our previous cruise, Dale won the slot tournament. On this cruise, we missed out on the slot tournament entirely somehow. This was another item Daphne did not check.
Swim-up bar
I can think of only a few things in life that are better than spending an afternoon at a swim-up bar with good friends. One of our favorite swim-up bars is at Nachi Cocom in Cozumel and Dale and I braved the frigid pool to have tequila shots with the bartenders. Daphne was nearby so she checked off this item.
Stranger nudity
Have I mentioned that stranger nudity is seldom a good thing? I have? Many times? Well, I say it so often because it is true. We were overwhelmed by stranger nudity on this cruise. We saw elderly nudity, trailer trash nudity and beach nudity all in one trip. It doesn't get any stranger than that.
Woman in men's room (or vice versa)
Like stranger nudity, this item is seldom as exciting as it sounds. In Playa Maya at the Maya Chan beach club, there were many more women than could comfortably use the women's bathroom. The women then did what comes naturally to them: they took over the bathroom that previously belonged to the men.
Meet someone not from Texas, Oklahoma or Arkansas
When we cruise out of Galveston, Texas, the vast majority of our fellow cruisers are from Texas. There are a few from surrounding states like Oklahoma and Arkansas but the diversity usually ends there. As the Tiki Gal likes to say, it is like going on a cruise at Bubba's Barbecue. However, we did meet Jay and Joanne from somewhere in the northeast.
Entertaining photographer or bartender
We had many entertaining bartenders on this trip but Dosrell and Oldemar win the prize for letting us in on The Secret.
Free Space
We wrote in our own memorable items in the free spaces. Daphne wrote in the Curly Mullet on the winning card. Anytime you can write Curly Mullet on pretty much anything, you know you are doing something right.
Cell phone at dinner
Daphne was able to check this item off before we even got on the cruise ship thanks to the Tiki Gal. She got a call at dinner in Houston because our kids were locked out of our house and wanted her help with this - from 500 miles away.
Panic attack
Daphne was able to check off her own panic attack for this item. When we went horseback riding in Roatan, the first part of the ride was along a busy road. Daphne was - uncomfortable - with riding along a road on the side of a steep hill while cars buzzed along at high speed just a few feet away. She was so uncomfortable that she probably could have downed a couple of beers with out a grimace. Well... maybe with a small grimace.
Tramp stamp
What is the attraction with the lower back tattoo? As a red blooded male, I can truthfully say that I don't find them attractive. Attractive girls don't need them and unattractive girls are typically just drawing attention to an area that would best be overlooked. Daphne checked this off within five minutes of boarding the ship.
Bowl of bacon
On a previous cruise, we actually saw a person with a bowl filled, not with cereal, but with bacon at breakfast. Our arteries were glad that Daphne was not able to check this item off during this cruise.
Waiter/waitress failure
This item originated when our assistant waiter on a previous cruise poured a small amount of wine in Dale's glass for tasting, proceeded to fill everyone else's glass when Dale okayed the selection, but forgot to fill Dale's glass and walked off. Dale was stuck with an empty wine glass through most of the meal. In a similar event on this cruise, a waiter at another table forgot to order a birthday cake for one of his guests. He sent our assistant waiter, Ravi, running off to get the cake. While Ravi was gone, the waiter was supposed to pour our coffee. He did pour Dale's and Daphne's coffee but skipped over... me.
Speedo
Much like the tramp stamp, I don't understand the attraction some guys have to wearing Speedo swimming suits. There are some things about other guys I just don't want to know and many of those things are on display in a Speedo. Luckily for me, we didn't spot a Speedo on this trip and Daphne did not get to check this item. It was especially lucky since the average age of our fellow cruisers was approximately 89. The sagging would have been horrifying.
Frisky fish
On a previous cruise, we were relaxing in the water in Grand Cayman when a school of small fish attacked the Tiki Gal. One of these fish tried to jump down the top of her swimming suit. On this cruise, Daphne saw some fish while snorkeling in Roatan and a few of them looked a little frisky. (We aren't very strict on what it takes to check some of these items, as you might be able to tell.)
Lettuce failure
The original lettuce failure belonged to Dale. He was eating a Caesar salad when a rogue wave caused him to drop an extremely large piece of lettuce on the floor. Daphne was happily recounting this event when she elbowed her water and spilled it all over the Tiki Gal's bread proving that karma is still alive and well.
Casino jealousy
There is one person in our group - to protect her identity we'll call her Daphne - who doesn't deal well with other's casino successes if she is not winning as well. Since we all stunk in the casino on this cruise, Daphne was only jealous of the nameless strangers who were winning all around us.
Carbon paper
We don't often see carbon paper in this carbonless world we live in but for some odd reason we often see carbon paper on cruises. Unfortunately, we're all too old to remember where we saw it during this trip but we all checked it off on our Bingo cards.
Overflowing hot tub
Picture, if you will, a cruise ship pool deck on a sunny afternoon in the Caribbean. You glide between glistening, toned bodies soaking up the rays as you make your way to the sparkling water of the pool where a few incredibly attractive people are chatting about interesting world events while sipping fruity drinks festooned with little umbrellas. You climb the steps to the unoccupied hot tub and feel your stress slip away as you sink into the bubbling water. Now forget that image because it is never going to be found on a cruise ship. Instead, you'll make your way between large, hairy, unattractive folks drinking bad beer from aluminum bottles. You won't see any water, sparkling or otherwise, because every square inch of the pool will be filled with screaming, thrashing children. You'll make your way up the steps to the hot tub to find it overstuffed - like the bikinis - with more of the buffet loving crowd. As you squeeze in between a large man wearing his permanent fur coat and a large woman who keeps screaming - directly into your left ear - at her children to stop "dunkin' each other" in the pool, you'll notice gallons and gallons of water sloshing out over the sides of the hot tub and down onto the pool deck. That's when it hits you, this is no ordinary vacation... and you get to check off the overflowing hot tub on your Cruise Bingo card.
Chocolate strawberries
The girls are big fans of chocolate-covered strawberries so they talked our head waiter into sending a big platter to each of our cabins. They even shared a strawberry or two with Dale and me.
To make a long story short, Daphne won Cruise Bingo by finding twenty-one of the twenty-four items on one of her cards. For winning, Daphne took home a lovely handcrafted necklace that was designed and produced in the Tiki household. Oddly enough, Daphne has not worn the necklace since the cruise. She must be saving it for a really special occasion.
In honor of Daphne's big win, here are the items on her card.
 |
| Daphne's Winning Card |
Bad lounge singing
Daphne didn't have any trouble checking this item off her card. There was bad lounge singing on this cruise everywhere we turned. The singer in the piano bar was best listened to after drinking heavily. We were subjected to a version of "Margaritaville" that could have only been worse if someone had died during the performance. It was so bad that we started going to watch the karaoke competition where at least the singing was supposed to be awful.
First visit to Cozumel
Before Carol's untimely demise, we always joked that her next visit to Cozumel would always be her first due to her rocky relationship with tequila. She always had a really good time in Cozumel but she seldom enjoyed the aftermath. Poor Carol never did get to visit Cozumel but Daphne was happy to enjoy this beautiful island for the first time.
 |
| Nachi Cocom in Cozumel |
Inappropriate dinner wear
Two words: vintage crack.
Fatal sunburn
On a typical cruise, there are many, many opportunities to spot the sunblock challenged. On this cruise, however, we were with a lot of older folks who avoid the sun like they avoid purchasing small cars. We were halfway through the week before Daphne spotted one of the waitresses at the supper club who had apparently been roasted in one of the ovens.
Hair braider
This item is pretty much a free space because hair braiders on a Caribbean island are as thick as bad lounge singers on a cruise ship.
Frisking
Daphne didn't get to check this space, I'm happy to report. I'm happy because the frisking always seems to apply to me. I've been frisked by a female security guard in Jamaica and by a lunch lady at a Jimmy Buffet concert. I would rather forget both of those experiences so I was not disappointed to be spared yet another frisking.
Slot tournament
On our previous cruise, Dale won the slot tournament. On this cruise, we missed out on the slot tournament entirely somehow. This was another item Daphne did not check.
Swim-up bar
I can think of only a few things in life that are better than spending an afternoon at a swim-up bar with good friends. One of our favorite swim-up bars is at Nachi Cocom in Cozumel and Dale and I braved the frigid pool to have tequila shots with the bartenders. Daphne was nearby so she checked off this item.
 |
| The swim-up bar is to the right under the thatch roof |
Stranger nudity
Have I mentioned that stranger nudity is seldom a good thing? I have? Many times? Well, I say it so often because it is true. We were overwhelmed by stranger nudity on this cruise. We saw elderly nudity, trailer trash nudity and beach nudity all in one trip. It doesn't get any stranger than that.
Woman in men's room (or vice versa)
Like stranger nudity, this item is seldom as exciting as it sounds. In Playa Maya at the Maya Chan beach club, there were many more women than could comfortably use the women's bathroom. The women then did what comes naturally to them: they took over the bathroom that previously belonged to the men.
Meet someone not from Texas, Oklahoma or Arkansas
When we cruise out of Galveston, Texas, the vast majority of our fellow cruisers are from Texas. There are a few from surrounding states like Oklahoma and Arkansas but the diversity usually ends there. As the Tiki Gal likes to say, it is like going on a cruise at Bubba's Barbecue. However, we did meet Jay and Joanne from somewhere in the northeast.
Entertaining photographer or bartender
We had many entertaining bartenders on this trip but Dosrell and Oldemar win the prize for letting us in on The Secret.
 |
| Dosrell and Oldemar |
Free Space
We wrote in our own memorable items in the free spaces. Daphne wrote in the Curly Mullet on the winning card. Anytime you can write Curly Mullet on pretty much anything, you know you are doing something right.
Cell phone at dinner
Daphne was able to check this item off before we even got on the cruise ship thanks to the Tiki Gal. She got a call at dinner in Houston because our kids were locked out of our house and wanted her help with this - from 500 miles away.
Panic attack
Daphne was able to check off her own panic attack for this item. When we went horseback riding in Roatan, the first part of the ride was along a busy road. Daphne was - uncomfortable - with riding along a road on the side of a steep hill while cars buzzed along at high speed just a few feet away. She was so uncomfortable that she probably could have downed a couple of beers with out a grimace. Well... maybe with a small grimace.
Tramp stamp
What is the attraction with the lower back tattoo? As a red blooded male, I can truthfully say that I don't find them attractive. Attractive girls don't need them and unattractive girls are typically just drawing attention to an area that would best be overlooked. Daphne checked this off within five minutes of boarding the ship.
Bowl of bacon
On a previous cruise, we actually saw a person with a bowl filled, not with cereal, but with bacon at breakfast. Our arteries were glad that Daphne was not able to check this item off during this cruise.
Waiter/waitress failure
This item originated when our assistant waiter on a previous cruise poured a small amount of wine in Dale's glass for tasting, proceeded to fill everyone else's glass when Dale okayed the selection, but forgot to fill Dale's glass and walked off. Dale was stuck with an empty wine glass through most of the meal. In a similar event on this cruise, a waiter at another table forgot to order a birthday cake for one of his guests. He sent our assistant waiter, Ravi, running off to get the cake. While Ravi was gone, the waiter was supposed to pour our coffee. He did pour Dale's and Daphne's coffee but skipped over... me.
Speedo
Much like the tramp stamp, I don't understand the attraction some guys have to wearing Speedo swimming suits. There are some things about other guys I just don't want to know and many of those things are on display in a Speedo. Luckily for me, we didn't spot a Speedo on this trip and Daphne did not get to check this item. It was especially lucky since the average age of our fellow cruisers was approximately 89. The sagging would have been horrifying.
Frisky fish
On a previous cruise, we were relaxing in the water in Grand Cayman when a school of small fish attacked the Tiki Gal. One of these fish tried to jump down the top of her swimming suit. On this cruise, Daphne saw some fish while snorkeling in Roatan and a few of them looked a little frisky. (We aren't very strict on what it takes to check some of these items, as you might be able to tell.)
Lettuce failure
The original lettuce failure belonged to Dale. He was eating a Caesar salad when a rogue wave caused him to drop an extremely large piece of lettuce on the floor. Daphne was happily recounting this event when she elbowed her water and spilled it all over the Tiki Gal's bread proving that karma is still alive and well.
Casino jealousy
There is one person in our group - to protect her identity we'll call her Daphne - who doesn't deal well with other's casino successes if she is not winning as well. Since we all stunk in the casino on this cruise, Daphne was only jealous of the nameless strangers who were winning all around us.
Carbon paper
We don't often see carbon paper in this carbonless world we live in but for some odd reason we often see carbon paper on cruises. Unfortunately, we're all too old to remember where we saw it during this trip but we all checked it off on our Bingo cards.
Overflowing hot tub
Picture, if you will, a cruise ship pool deck on a sunny afternoon in the Caribbean. You glide between glistening, toned bodies soaking up the rays as you make your way to the sparkling water of the pool where a few incredibly attractive people are chatting about interesting world events while sipping fruity drinks festooned with little umbrellas. You climb the steps to the unoccupied hot tub and feel your stress slip away as you sink into the bubbling water. Now forget that image because it is never going to be found on a cruise ship. Instead, you'll make your way between large, hairy, unattractive folks drinking bad beer from aluminum bottles. You won't see any water, sparkling or otherwise, because every square inch of the pool will be filled with screaming, thrashing children. You'll make your way up the steps to the hot tub to find it overstuffed - like the bikinis - with more of the buffet loving crowd. As you squeeze in between a large man wearing his permanent fur coat and a large woman who keeps screaming - directly into your left ear - at her children to stop "dunkin' each other" in the pool, you'll notice gallons and gallons of water sloshing out over the sides of the hot tub and down onto the pool deck. That's when it hits you, this is no ordinary vacation... and you get to check off the overflowing hot tub on your Cruise Bingo card.
Chocolate strawberries
The girls are big fans of chocolate-covered strawberries so they talked our head waiter into sending a big platter to each of our cabins. They even shared a strawberry or two with Dale and me.
 |
| Thank you, Rayomond! |
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
The characters you meet on a cruise - or at least the characters I meet - are often worth the price of admission just for their pure entertainment value. Since Daphne and the Tiki Gal will talk to anyone about anything and I possess some weird animal magnetism that attracts strange people, we meet no shortage of characters wherever we go and this cruise was no different. In honor of one of my favorite movies I've grouped these characters into three groups: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
The Good
Alex
Alex was our waiter, our friend, and our adopted son. We looked forward to dinner each evening so that we could spend a few hours with him because of his sense of humor and charm. We learned a little about his family and his home. We also learned about his girlfriend on the ship. Of course Daphne and the Tiki Gal had to track her down to see if they approved and luckily for her - and for Alex - they thought she was a sweet and pretty girl so they gave their blessings.
We had fun teasing Alex about the turtle love potion we had learned about. Each night, we brought him a little turtle that we had picked up on the islands. One of the turtles had a bobbing head like those dogs that used to sit on the dashes of cars. Alex did a wonderful impression of the bobbing head dogs that had us rolling.
He was not sold on the turtle love potion, however. He said that he preferred red wine because “red wine is good for the woman when the man drinks it.”
Alex also enjoyed teasing another waiter about The Curmudgeon. He even made up a song to commemorate the occasion:
Don't you wish your people were good like mine,
I take their dirty dishes and they don't mind.
We've had fun waiters on other cruises but Alex was our favorite. His obvious dedication to making sure we were happy with his service would have made him one of the best waiters on its own but his charm and wit put him over the top.
Rayomond, Ananda, Ravi
Rayomond was our head waiter and a funny and charming guy as well. We had fun joking with him about The Curmudgeon and turtle love potions. He sent chocolate covered strawberries to our cabins for the girls so he was their hero from then on.
Ravi was our assistant waiter. He told us that his island, Mauritius, is the size of a poppy seed as he pointed at a small poppy seed on the tablecloth. He also knew about the turtle love potion and was very direct in telling us exactly how it was made. Unfortunately, assistant waiters are always busy so we didn’t get to spend as much time with Ravi as with Alex.
Ananda was the waiter at the table near us and had to wait on The Curmudgeon. We felt really bad for him because we could tell that all of The Curmudgeon's complaining was bothering him. Since we were often the last people out of the dining room, we had a chance to chat with Ananda and found him to be a very nice man.
Rony
Rony took us on a private tour of Roatan and really went above and beyond the call of duty. He held my skittish horse while Sharky worked on the stirrups, he told us about his “difficulties” with Speedy, he told us that Roatan was too small for having two girlfriends, and most importantly he showed us around a beautiful island.
Chad and Amy
Chad and Amy are a young couple from Ohio that we met while watching Superstar Karaoke one night. Actually, the Tiki Gal and Daphne met them. Dale and I were busy stuffing napkins in our ears to drown out a truly horrible rendition of We are the Champions. Based on our recommendation, Chad and Amy joined us at Nachi Cocum in Cozumel. Contrary to our recommendations, Chad did not use the water spacers and may get to visit Cozumel for the first time again in the future.
Zach
Zach is the man. He was our waiter, bike tour guide, marine biologist, and sommelier at Maya Chan. He also coined two of our favorite new phrases: “single file me” and “a Mexican minute.” The following examples will help explain the proper usage of these phrases.
Let’s say you are riding a bicycle with a group of other cyclists and you are at the front of the pack. The rest of the cyclists are spread across the road behind you trying to dodge the meteor-crater sized potholes that make the road look like the surface of the moon. If at any point you see a large vehicle of indeterminate make and model barreling toward your group of cyclists at a high rate of speed, you should yell “Single file me!” as loud as possible. The other cyclists should then pedal like mad toward the side of the road to avoid certain death and dismemberment.
Furthermore, assume that when you yelled “Single file me!” one of the cyclists panicked and fell into one of the deep, dark potholes - bicycle and all. You pedal back and peer carefully over the edge to see if the cyclist survived the fall. You breathe more easily when you determine that the person lying at the bottom of the hole is indeed alive but you pause when that person yells up “How long until the ambulance arrives?” Since you know that help may arrive anytime in the next five minutes to five days, you yell down in your most cheerful voice, “Don’t you worry! Help will be here in a Mexican minute!”
Sharky
If Roatan is ever looking for a new Minister of Tourism, the people could do much worse than to hire Sharky for the job. Sharky’s horse back riding tour is one of my favorite memories from our cruise due to the wonderful things Sharky showed us and his obvious love of the natural beauty of the island. Sharky, if you ever happen across this blog I want you to know that I’m hoping you can wade out into the sea someday soon and once again take your pick of lobsters.
Jay and Joanne
Joanne was a force of nature. I never thought we’d meet someone who could out-talk both the Tiki Gal and Daphne put together. Jay, however, is my hero. When he said, after accepting a second cup of coffee as Joanne was leaving to go shopping, that he didn’t really want more coffee but he certainly wasn’t going shopping with Joanne, a light went off in my head. This guy is the guru of marriage. Dr. Phil only wishes he knew as much about maintaining a happy marriage as Jay.
Jerry Johnson
Jerry Johnson was a man we met at the rear of the ship while he was setting up his HAM radio receiver so that he could listen to broadcasts from the U.S. We were near Belize at the time. Jerry also showed us where we were on his aviation GPS. He had better gadgets than James Bond.
Jose and Mario
Jose and Mario were our bartenders at Nachi Cocum. Their drinks were tasty and they just kept sending them to us. And sending them. And sending them. They even sent us shots that the girls enjoyed. And, best of all, when Dale and I braved the freezing waters of the swim-up bar, Jose and Mario had a shot of Jose Cuervo with us. We were touched because we hadn’t seen them do that with anyone else. Salut!
Patron in my cup guy
One afternoon, we were playing cards in a bar and heard a guy walking along singing “I got Patron in my cup, I got Patron in my cup.” He had just won some money at the casino and his joy was contagious. Unfortunately, the Patron in his cup was not.
Dosrell and Oldemar
Dosrell and Oldemar were our favorite bartenders on the ship and Oldemar introduced us to the turtle love potion. They served up good drinks and great times. What more can you ask for?
Abercrombie and Fitch
Abercrombie and Fitch were a couple that we met somewhere on the ship. They were about our age – maybe a little older – but they dressed like the models in an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. We couldn’t keep up with Abercrombie and Fitch but we did enjoy watching them have a good time.
The Bad
The Curmudgeon
The Curmudgeon was an old guy that sat at a table near us at dinner. The first night, we all felt bad for him because he seemed to be alone. The next night, we found out why he was alone. He complained to Rayomond that Ananda had taken his dirty dishes away. He said that the dishes should be left on the table until the diners were done and had walked away. Since we were eating multiple course meals, we wondered where the dishes for the other courses were supposed to be stacked. Did he want all of his food dumped on the same plate? Did he want the dishes arrayed around him like dirty bingo cards?
The Curmudgeon wasn’t content to just complain about Ananda. He also complained when a group of kids marched singing through the dining room because “I didn’t pay to hear this!” In short, he was The Curmudgeon because he complained about everything.
After listening to The Curmudgeon grouse for the seventeenth time, Rayomond decided he didn’t want to get old. He said he would just do away with himself when he reached fifty. Alex immediately said “Why wait? We can take care of that right now.”
Conflicted Guy
The Conflicted Guy was either still in college or just out. He was with a group that looked like college friends. The first time we saw him was at Superstar Karaoke where he was having trouble deciding if he should hang on the girls or the guys. Every time we saw him, in fact, he was having trouble determining which side of the fence he wanted to hang out on. There were two clues that told us which team he was on, however, even if he doesn’t know it yet. First, we saw him at the pool bar and he had a tattoo on his lower back. I’ve seen many women with this type of tattoo but I think it is probably rare on guys – at least the guys I hang out with anyway. Second, we saw him at the disco. If you’ve ever been to a dance of any sort, you’ve seen the following: a popular song starts playing and all the girls who love to dance immediately run, skip or jump onto the dance floor. At the disco, the Conflicted Guy was skipping right along with the girls, every time.
Dancing Girl
The first time we saw Dancing Girl was also at Superstar Karaoke. She was wearing one of her many miniskirts and sitting on some guy’s lap. We noticed her because she was called up to sing an enthusiastic version of Hit Me With Your Best Shot. She did look a little like an older Pat Benatar but the thing that really made her fun to watch was her dancing. If you’ve ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine dances and George describes it as a “full body dry heave” then you can picture exactly what Dancing Girl looked like. Luckily for us, she didn’t restrict her dancing to just karaoke competitions. We saw her in the disco full body dry heaving all over the place. We even saw her have a wild, sexual escapade with her boyfriend’s leg while he completely ignored her. I gotta say, if the Tiki Gal ever did something like that to me there wouldn’t be any ignoring going on – assuming I didn’t die of a heart attack from the shock, of course.
The Dancing Girl was not a good dancer but she was certainly entertaining and gave us plenty to laugh about. Thank you Dancing Girl. I hope you find a boyfriend who will pay attention to you when you have relations with his leg in the middle of a crowded disco. You deserve it.
Stranger nudity
I had a hard time deciding if the stranger nudity on this trip belonged in The Bad category or The Ugly category. While all the stranger nudity we saw was certainly bad, not all of it was ugly so here it is. Our Stranger Nudity started out with the Vintage Crack and Trailer Trash Boob on the first formal night. Just when Dale and I had recovered from rinsing our eyes with tequila, we saw a topless lady on the beach in Roatan. She was the only reason stranger nudity isn’t in The Ugly category, actually, but I did find it a little awkward to try to look everywhere except where the half-naked lady was standing. Finally, the Tiki Gal and I saw a masseuse rip a lady’s top down to her belly button in Costa Maya. This is not a sight I will ever recover from as long as I live. I’m actually wincing as I write this sentence.
As I’ve stated many times before, stranger nudity is seldom anything you want to be involved with. The therapist that is treating Dale and me can vouch for us if you are still skeptical.
The Silver Serenaders
The Silver Serenaders were a group of older folks that… well, sing. We had several run-ins with these folks and always went away shaking our heads. The first incident was when two of the Serenaders turned our breakfast into a circus. We also had lunch with a Serenader and her husband. She had seen the Texas Tenors the night before and told us that one of the Tenors was just as good as Pavarotti. Of course, her hearing aid may have been turned off at the time. You never can tell with those Serenaders.
The Catered Knitting Circle
We walked past a bar on the ship one afternoon and saw a group of older women knitting with a big tray of food on the table in front of them. I only hope that if the Tiki Gal and Daphne take up knitting in their golden years that Dale and I have learned the lesson that Jay tried to teach us. Yes sir, I will have another cup of coffee…
The Ugly
The Manny Pack
We saw a man with a large gut and just below that gut was a huge fanny pack. Daphne immediately christened this phenomenon the Manny Pack. The Manny Pack is a large fanny pack worn by a man in front.
What did he have in that pack? Did he wear it in front to hide something? Do you really need that much stuff to walk around on a ship in the middle of the ocean? The Manny Pack is troubling on many levels. I will say that if Daphne and the Tiki Gal take up knitting or join an elderly singing group, Dale and I will have Manny Packs of our own shortly thereafter. It would only be fair.
The Spectacular Mullet
We saw several mullets onboard the ship but one stood out above the rest. A lady had a mullet that was appropriately short in front and wonderfully long in the back. The thing that put her mullet over the top was that it was curly all over, not in a naturally curly kind of way, but in an “I had my mullet permed” kind of way. It was a curly, luxurious, business-in-the-front-and-party-in-the-back, spectacular mullet. It made me happy every time I saw it.
The Stupid Family
We stopped by the Pig and Whistle pub one afternoon for refreshments and saw The Stupid Family for the first time. The Stupid Family consisted of a Grandfather, Grandmother, Son, Daughter-in-Law and several grandchildren. That day at the Pig and Whistle, both Grandpa Stupid and Stupid Junior were wearing shirts that said “You can’t fix stupid but you can vote it out of office.” We thought the shirts were ironic because this family couldn’t have been more arrogant, rude, and, well, stupid themselves. The Grandpa ordered the waitress around like she worked for him and then told her to get him a beer and a kiss. From the look on her face, she would have preferred to kiss a giant, stinging jellyfish. We saw The Stupid Family several more times and they lived up to their name on each occasion. I guess Stupid is as Stupid does.
The Good
Alex
Alex was our waiter, our friend, and our adopted son. We looked forward to dinner each evening so that we could spend a few hours with him because of his sense of humor and charm. We learned a little about his family and his home. We also learned about his girlfriend on the ship. Of course Daphne and the Tiki Gal had to track her down to see if they approved and luckily for her - and for Alex - they thought she was a sweet and pretty girl so they gave their blessings.
We had fun teasing Alex about the turtle love potion we had learned about. Each night, we brought him a little turtle that we had picked up on the islands. One of the turtles had a bobbing head like those dogs that used to sit on the dashes of cars. Alex did a wonderful impression of the bobbing head dogs that had us rolling.
He was not sold on the turtle love potion, however. He said that he preferred red wine because “red wine is good for the woman when the man drinks it.”
Alex also enjoyed teasing another waiter about The Curmudgeon. He even made up a song to commemorate the occasion:
Don't you wish your people were good like mine,
I take their dirty dishes and they don't mind.
We've had fun waiters on other cruises but Alex was our favorite. His obvious dedication to making sure we were happy with his service would have made him one of the best waiters on its own but his charm and wit put him over the top.
 |
| Ravi, Alex and Ananda |
Rayomond, Ananda, Ravi
Rayomond was our head waiter and a funny and charming guy as well. We had fun joking with him about The Curmudgeon and turtle love potions. He sent chocolate covered strawberries to our cabins for the girls so he was their hero from then on.
Ravi was our assistant waiter. He told us that his island, Mauritius, is the size of a poppy seed as he pointed at a small poppy seed on the tablecloth. He also knew about the turtle love potion and was very direct in telling us exactly how it was made. Unfortunately, assistant waiters are always busy so we didn’t get to spend as much time with Ravi as with Alex.
Ananda was the waiter at the table near us and had to wait on The Curmudgeon. We felt really bad for him because we could tell that all of The Curmudgeon's complaining was bothering him. Since we were often the last people out of the dining room, we had a chance to chat with Ananda and found him to be a very nice man.
 |
| Rayomond |
Rony
Rony took us on a private tour of Roatan and really went above and beyond the call of duty. He held my skittish horse while Sharky worked on the stirrups, he told us about his “difficulties” with Speedy, he told us that Roatan was too small for having two girlfriends, and most importantly he showed us around a beautiful island.
Chad and Amy
Chad and Amy are a young couple from Ohio that we met while watching Superstar Karaoke one night. Actually, the Tiki Gal and Daphne met them. Dale and I were busy stuffing napkins in our ears to drown out a truly horrible rendition of We are the Champions. Based on our recommendation, Chad and Amy joined us at Nachi Cocum in Cozumel. Contrary to our recommendations, Chad did not use the water spacers and may get to visit Cozumel for the first time again in the future.
Zach
Zach is the man. He was our waiter, bike tour guide, marine biologist, and sommelier at Maya Chan. He also coined two of our favorite new phrases: “single file me” and “a Mexican minute.” The following examples will help explain the proper usage of these phrases.
Let’s say you are riding a bicycle with a group of other cyclists and you are at the front of the pack. The rest of the cyclists are spread across the road behind you trying to dodge the meteor-crater sized potholes that make the road look like the surface of the moon. If at any point you see a large vehicle of indeterminate make and model barreling toward your group of cyclists at a high rate of speed, you should yell “Single file me!” as loud as possible. The other cyclists should then pedal like mad toward the side of the road to avoid certain death and dismemberment.
Furthermore, assume that when you yelled “Single file me!” one of the cyclists panicked and fell into one of the deep, dark potholes - bicycle and all. You pedal back and peer carefully over the edge to see if the cyclist survived the fall. You breathe more easily when you determine that the person lying at the bottom of the hole is indeed alive but you pause when that person yells up “How long until the ambulance arrives?” Since you know that help may arrive anytime in the next five minutes to five days, you yell down in your most cheerful voice, “Don’t you worry! Help will be here in a Mexican minute!”
Sharky
If Roatan is ever looking for a new Minister of Tourism, the people could do much worse than to hire Sharky for the job. Sharky’s horse back riding tour is one of my favorite memories from our cruise due to the wonderful things Sharky showed us and his obvious love of the natural beauty of the island. Sharky, if you ever happen across this blog I want you to know that I’m hoping you can wade out into the sea someday soon and once again take your pick of lobsters.
Jay and Joanne
Joanne was a force of nature. I never thought we’d meet someone who could out-talk both the Tiki Gal and Daphne put together. Jay, however, is my hero. When he said, after accepting a second cup of coffee as Joanne was leaving to go shopping, that he didn’t really want more coffee but he certainly wasn’t going shopping with Joanne, a light went off in my head. This guy is the guru of marriage. Dr. Phil only wishes he knew as much about maintaining a happy marriage as Jay.
Jerry Johnson
Jerry Johnson was a man we met at the rear of the ship while he was setting up his HAM radio receiver so that he could listen to broadcasts from the U.S. We were near Belize at the time. Jerry also showed us where we were on his aviation GPS. He had better gadgets than James Bond.
Jose and Mario
Jose and Mario were our bartenders at Nachi Cocum. Their drinks were tasty and they just kept sending them to us. And sending them. And sending them. They even sent us shots that the girls enjoyed. And, best of all, when Dale and I braved the freezing waters of the swim-up bar, Jose and Mario had a shot of Jose Cuervo with us. We were touched because we hadn’t seen them do that with anyone else. Salut!
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| Mario and Jose |
Patron in my cup guy
One afternoon, we were playing cards in a bar and heard a guy walking along singing “I got Patron in my cup, I got Patron in my cup.” He had just won some money at the casino and his joy was contagious. Unfortunately, the Patron in his cup was not.
Dosrell and Oldemar
Dosrell and Oldemar were our favorite bartenders on the ship and Oldemar introduced us to the turtle love potion. They served up good drinks and great times. What more can you ask for?
 |
| Dosrell and Oldemar |
Abercrombie and Fitch
Abercrombie and Fitch were a couple that we met somewhere on the ship. They were about our age – maybe a little older – but they dressed like the models in an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. We couldn’t keep up with Abercrombie and Fitch but we did enjoy watching them have a good time.
The Bad
The Curmudgeon
The Curmudgeon was an old guy that sat at a table near us at dinner. The first night, we all felt bad for him because he seemed to be alone. The next night, we found out why he was alone. He complained to Rayomond that Ananda had taken his dirty dishes away. He said that the dishes should be left on the table until the diners were done and had walked away. Since we were eating multiple course meals, we wondered where the dishes for the other courses were supposed to be stacked. Did he want all of his food dumped on the same plate? Did he want the dishes arrayed around him like dirty bingo cards?
The Curmudgeon wasn’t content to just complain about Ananda. He also complained when a group of kids marched singing through the dining room because “I didn’t pay to hear this!” In short, he was The Curmudgeon because he complained about everything.
After listening to The Curmudgeon grouse for the seventeenth time, Rayomond decided he didn’t want to get old. He said he would just do away with himself when he reached fifty. Alex immediately said “Why wait? We can take care of that right now.”
Conflicted Guy
The Conflicted Guy was either still in college or just out. He was with a group that looked like college friends. The first time we saw him was at Superstar Karaoke where he was having trouble deciding if he should hang on the girls or the guys. Every time we saw him, in fact, he was having trouble determining which side of the fence he wanted to hang out on. There were two clues that told us which team he was on, however, even if he doesn’t know it yet. First, we saw him at the pool bar and he had a tattoo on his lower back. I’ve seen many women with this type of tattoo but I think it is probably rare on guys – at least the guys I hang out with anyway. Second, we saw him at the disco. If you’ve ever been to a dance of any sort, you’ve seen the following: a popular song starts playing and all the girls who love to dance immediately run, skip or jump onto the dance floor. At the disco, the Conflicted Guy was skipping right along with the girls, every time.
Dancing Girl
The first time we saw Dancing Girl was also at Superstar Karaoke. She was wearing one of her many miniskirts and sitting on some guy’s lap. We noticed her because she was called up to sing an enthusiastic version of Hit Me With Your Best Shot. She did look a little like an older Pat Benatar but the thing that really made her fun to watch was her dancing. If you’ve ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine dances and George describes it as a “full body dry heave” then you can picture exactly what Dancing Girl looked like. Luckily for us, she didn’t restrict her dancing to just karaoke competitions. We saw her in the disco full body dry heaving all over the place. We even saw her have a wild, sexual escapade with her boyfriend’s leg while he completely ignored her. I gotta say, if the Tiki Gal ever did something like that to me there wouldn’t be any ignoring going on – assuming I didn’t die of a heart attack from the shock, of course.
The Dancing Girl was not a good dancer but she was certainly entertaining and gave us plenty to laugh about. Thank you Dancing Girl. I hope you find a boyfriend who will pay attention to you when you have relations with his leg in the middle of a crowded disco. You deserve it.
Stranger nudity
I had a hard time deciding if the stranger nudity on this trip belonged in The Bad category or The Ugly category. While all the stranger nudity we saw was certainly bad, not all of it was ugly so here it is. Our Stranger Nudity started out with the Vintage Crack and Trailer Trash Boob on the first formal night. Just when Dale and I had recovered from rinsing our eyes with tequila, we saw a topless lady on the beach in Roatan. She was the only reason stranger nudity isn’t in The Ugly category, actually, but I did find it a little awkward to try to look everywhere except where the half-naked lady was standing. Finally, the Tiki Gal and I saw a masseuse rip a lady’s top down to her belly button in Costa Maya. This is not a sight I will ever recover from as long as I live. I’m actually wincing as I write this sentence.
As I’ve stated many times before, stranger nudity is seldom anything you want to be involved with. The therapist that is treating Dale and me can vouch for us if you are still skeptical.
The Silver Serenaders
The Silver Serenaders were a group of older folks that… well, sing. We had several run-ins with these folks and always went away shaking our heads. The first incident was when two of the Serenaders turned our breakfast into a circus. We also had lunch with a Serenader and her husband. She had seen the Texas Tenors the night before and told us that one of the Tenors was just as good as Pavarotti. Of course, her hearing aid may have been turned off at the time. You never can tell with those Serenaders.
The Catered Knitting Circle
We walked past a bar on the ship one afternoon and saw a group of older women knitting with a big tray of food on the table in front of them. I only hope that if the Tiki Gal and Daphne take up knitting in their golden years that Dale and I have learned the lesson that Jay tried to teach us. Yes sir, I will have another cup of coffee…
The Ugly
The Manny Pack
We saw a man with a large gut and just below that gut was a huge fanny pack. Daphne immediately christened this phenomenon the Manny Pack. The Manny Pack is a large fanny pack worn by a man in front.
What did he have in that pack? Did he wear it in front to hide something? Do you really need that much stuff to walk around on a ship in the middle of the ocean? The Manny Pack is troubling on many levels. I will say that if Daphne and the Tiki Gal take up knitting or join an elderly singing group, Dale and I will have Manny Packs of our own shortly thereafter. It would only be fair.
The Spectacular Mullet
We saw several mullets onboard the ship but one stood out above the rest. A lady had a mullet that was appropriately short in front and wonderfully long in the back. The thing that put her mullet over the top was that it was curly all over, not in a naturally curly kind of way, but in an “I had my mullet permed” kind of way. It was a curly, luxurious, business-in-the-front-and-party-in-the-back, spectacular mullet. It made me happy every time I saw it.
The Stupid Family
We stopped by the Pig and Whistle pub one afternoon for refreshments and saw The Stupid Family for the first time. The Stupid Family consisted of a Grandfather, Grandmother, Son, Daughter-in-Law and several grandchildren. That day at the Pig and Whistle, both Grandpa Stupid and Stupid Junior were wearing shirts that said “You can’t fix stupid but you can vote it out of office.” We thought the shirts were ironic because this family couldn’t have been more arrogant, rude, and, well, stupid themselves. The Grandpa ordered the waitress around like she worked for him and then told her to get him a beer and a kiss. From the look on her face, she would have preferred to kiss a giant, stinging jellyfish. We saw The Stupid Family several more times and they lived up to their name on each occasion. I guess Stupid is as Stupid does.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Water Spacers
After visiting Roatan and Maya Chan on successive days, Daphne, Dale, the Tiki Gal and I were worried that the Nachi Cocum beach club in Cozumel would not be able to compete. We'd always had a great time in Cozumel - except for Daphne since this was her first visit... of course, every trip to Cozumel for Carol was her first as well... what a strange coincidence - but we didn't know if it could be as wonderful as we remembered. Once we were seated under our thatch umbrella on the white beach with the bright blue waves rolling in, however, it just felt like home.
For some reason, we always suffer minor mishaps in Cozumel such as: diamond shopping gone wrong, panic attacks, sprinting down the pier so that we aren't left behind, capsized banana boats, near drowning due to capsized banana boat, nose bleeds, tequila overindulgence, terrifying cab rides and being spanked with a noodle. If you look carefully at the list of mishaps, you may find one mishap that is the cause of all the others. I'll wait while you try to find it... a little longer for the slower students... good job everyone. Tequila overindulgence seems to have been the root cause of our problems in Cozumel. Daphne had heard of our issues, puzzled this out beforehand and offered a solution: water spacers. The idea is that you drink a bottle of water between alcoholic drinks. That way, you drink less alcohol and have more time to process the alcohol you've already drunk. We decided to give the water spacers a try to see if it would help.
Unfortunately for us, the mishaps began before we even left the pier. We got off the ship, walked down the long dock, wound through the shopping area and got in line to catch a cab. While waiting, Dale discovered that someone had removed his swim suit from his bag and left it on the ship. He took off at a sprint to retrieve his swim suit so Daphne, the Tiki Gal and I waited by a tee shirt shop for him to return. While waiting, we read the tee shirts and were surprised by what they said. Since this is a family blog, I won't reprint the sayings but just know that your grandmother would not approve if you wore one of those shirts to Sunday dinner. Breathless, Dale arrived back with his swim suit and we took a cab to Nachi Cocum.
Everything looked just like we remembered it: the thatch covered dining and bar area, the pool and swim up bar, the beautiful beach with thatch covered umbrellas, the crystal clear, blue water of the Caribbean. We were escorted to our umbrella and lounge chairs so we set up camp. Once we were all arranged, we ordered our morning beverages and settled in to relax. A little later, while Dale and the girls were changing clothes, a snorkel boat operator named Jesus asked me if I wanted to schedule a snorkeling expedition for later in the day. I am not the social coordinator of our group (and don't want to be) so I told him I'd think about it. Later, while Dale and I were enjoying the ocean, Jesus told the girls that I was considering the snorkeling tour by saying "The bald, he think it." Of course, the girls thought this was hilarious so they tried to talk him into asking me if I wanted my hair braided. He replied, "I'm not going to say, he kick my ass."
The clear, blue water of the Caribbean was a little bit chilly so we decided to spend some time in the hot tub. The hot tub wasn't very hot but it did border the swim up bar so we toughed it out. We were enjoying the sun and the drinks while trying to use the water spacer theory - I think the girls did a better job of this than I did - when the bartenders noticed that there was some flotsam floating around in the hot tub. They called a guy over to dip the leaves out of the hot tub so we cleared out while he was working. Unfortunately for me, I chose to step over the side of the hot tub onto a ledge that ran the length of the pool. Just as I was walking along the ledge past the guy with the skimming net, a rogue wave slammed up on the beach and knocked me off into the pool. Through many years of training, I've learned to protect a beer as if it were a Faberge egg so I managed to keep the bottle of Sol I was carrying above the water even while I sucked in half the pool. With only a little thrashing about, I managed to get back on my feet, get my head above the water, and check on my beer. The girls were rolling on the ground at this point and the bartenders were trying to blame the guy with the skimmer for knocking me into the pool. It was only then that I realized that the pool was freezing cold and so was I. I climbed up the steps with my head down, leaving what little dignity I still possessed at the bottom of the pool. On the other hand, my beer was not lost and that is the most important thing. Also, I drank a slightly chlorinated water spacer without even trying.
Once I had recovered and the hot tub was clean, we got back in and were soon joined by several couples from a different cruise ship. The first thing I noticed was that the ladies all seemed to have been in the shop for the addition of some accessories, if you know what I mean. As we chatted, we found that they had been to Maya Chan earlier in the week. They raved about the bartender and the awesome drinks. Apparently, they had a different bartender at Maya Chan than we did because the mixed drinks we got there were not very good. The mixed drinks at Nachi Cocum more than made up for the disappointment we felt, however. Our bartenders, Jose and Mario, kept the beers and the Mamasitas (with an occasional Margarita mixed in for variety) coming.
After we had been drinking in the hot tub for quite some time, Jesus dropped by and talked us into going snorkeling. In hindsight, snorkeling after a morning of drinking in a hot tub is probably not the best idea. I also forgot to mention that the hurricane force winds had followed us from Costa Maya so the waves were pretty big. So just to be clear, snorkeling in big waves after a morning of drinking in a hot tub is really not a good idea. At the time, we thought it was a grand idea so we grabbed beers to go and hopped in the boat with Jesus and one other lady who was going snorkeling. I thought it was a very good sign when I noticed that she had a small sea turtle tattooed on her ankle. This truly was the cruise of the turtle.
I wasn't feeling so good, however, when we reached the reef and I jumped into water that was twenty feet deep. I was immediately pounded by the four foot waves as I tried to get my mask and snorkel in place. After I put my face down in the water and started swimming along, however, the waves were not so bad. The first time we snorkeled in Cozumel was before hurricane Wilma hit in 2005. At that time, the reef was beautiful and there were fish everywhere. Unfortunately, the reef has not yet recovered from Wilma. There are still areas where the coral is pretty but there are also many places where the reef appears to be either dead or dying. There are fewer fish than there were and of fewer varieties. I had never considered that a hurricane could alter the environment below the surface of the water as much as the environment on the shore. In Cozumel, there is proof of the awesome power these storms can pack. We still saw many fish and coral formations but it just wasn't the same.
We did learn that the pure terror caused by snorkeling in choppy, freezing water works just as well as water spacers. Back in Jesus' boat, we happily drank to our health and rode back to Nachi Cocum. We ate lunch, drank the many shots and drinks that Jose and Mario kept sending to our table, and then walked along the beach collecting shells. (A word of advice, if the shells have not split open, do not bring them home. The whole shells still contain the sea critter and will eventually open up, the critter will die, and will then stink up your entire house. At least that's what I've heard...)
Before leaving for the day, Dale and I had to visit the swim up bar. As I've mentioned, the pool water was freezing cold but a swim up bar is something that cannot be passed up. We gingerly waded through the water to the bar where Jose and Mario gave us tequila shots. We were really surprised when they poured shots for themselves and drank with us. We had never seen them do that with anyone before. Feeling quite special, and somewhat toasty, we slogged our way back out of the pool and caught a cab for the trip back to the pier.
Thanks to Daphne and her water spacer idea, none of us spent the night wishing we had never visited Cozumel. If only Carol had known this trick, maybe things would have turned out differently for her. We will never know...
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| Nachi Cocum |
Unfortunately for us, the mishaps began before we even left the pier. We got off the ship, walked down the long dock, wound through the shopping area and got in line to catch a cab. While waiting, Dale discovered that someone had removed his swim suit from his bag and left it on the ship. He took off at a sprint to retrieve his swim suit so Daphne, the Tiki Gal and I waited by a tee shirt shop for him to return. While waiting, we read the tee shirts and were surprised by what they said. Since this is a family blog, I won't reprint the sayings but just know that your grandmother would not approve if you wore one of those shirts to Sunday dinner. Breathless, Dale arrived back with his swim suit and we took a cab to Nachi Cocum.
Everything looked just like we remembered it: the thatch covered dining and bar area, the pool and swim up bar, the beautiful beach with thatch covered umbrellas, the crystal clear, blue water of the Caribbean. We were escorted to our umbrella and lounge chairs so we set up camp. Once we were all arranged, we ordered our morning beverages and settled in to relax. A little later, while Dale and the girls were changing clothes, a snorkel boat operator named Jesus asked me if I wanted to schedule a snorkeling expedition for later in the day. I am not the social coordinator of our group (and don't want to be) so I told him I'd think about it. Later, while Dale and I were enjoying the ocean, Jesus told the girls that I was considering the snorkeling tour by saying "The bald, he think it." Of course, the girls thought this was hilarious so they tried to talk him into asking me if I wanted my hair braided. He replied, "I'm not going to say, he kick my ass."
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| Thatch umbrellas in paradise |
The clear, blue water of the Caribbean was a little bit chilly so we decided to spend some time in the hot tub. The hot tub wasn't very hot but it did border the swim up bar so we toughed it out. We were enjoying the sun and the drinks while trying to use the water spacer theory - I think the girls did a better job of this than I did - when the bartenders noticed that there was some flotsam floating around in the hot tub. They called a guy over to dip the leaves out of the hot tub so we cleared out while he was working. Unfortunately for me, I chose to step over the side of the hot tub onto a ledge that ran the length of the pool. Just as I was walking along the ledge past the guy with the skimming net, a rogue wave slammed up on the beach and knocked me off into the pool. Through many years of training, I've learned to protect a beer as if it were a Faberge egg so I managed to keep the bottle of Sol I was carrying above the water even while I sucked in half the pool. With only a little thrashing about, I managed to get back on my feet, get my head above the water, and check on my beer. The girls were rolling on the ground at this point and the bartenders were trying to blame the guy with the skimmer for knocking me into the pool. It was only then that I realized that the pool was freezing cold and so was I. I climbed up the steps with my head down, leaving what little dignity I still possessed at the bottom of the pool. On the other hand, my beer was not lost and that is the most important thing. Also, I drank a slightly chlorinated water spacer without even trying.
Once I had recovered and the hot tub was clean, we got back in and were soon joined by several couples from a different cruise ship. The first thing I noticed was that the ladies all seemed to have been in the shop for the addition of some accessories, if you know what I mean. As we chatted, we found that they had been to Maya Chan earlier in the week. They raved about the bartender and the awesome drinks. Apparently, they had a different bartender at Maya Chan than we did because the mixed drinks we got there were not very good. The mixed drinks at Nachi Cocum more than made up for the disappointment we felt, however. Our bartenders, Jose and Mario, kept the beers and the Mamasitas (with an occasional Margarita mixed in for variety) coming.
After we had been drinking in the hot tub for quite some time, Jesus dropped by and talked us into going snorkeling. In hindsight, snorkeling after a morning of drinking in a hot tub is probably not the best idea. I also forgot to mention that the hurricane force winds had followed us from Costa Maya so the waves were pretty big. So just to be clear, snorkeling in big waves after a morning of drinking in a hot tub is really not a good idea. At the time, we thought it was a grand idea so we grabbed beers to go and hopped in the boat with Jesus and one other lady who was going snorkeling. I thought it was a very good sign when I noticed that she had a small sea turtle tattooed on her ankle. This truly was the cruise of the turtle.
I wasn't feeling so good, however, when we reached the reef and I jumped into water that was twenty feet deep. I was immediately pounded by the four foot waves as I tried to get my mask and snorkel in place. After I put my face down in the water and started swimming along, however, the waves were not so bad. The first time we snorkeled in Cozumel was before hurricane Wilma hit in 2005. At that time, the reef was beautiful and there were fish everywhere. Unfortunately, the reef has not yet recovered from Wilma. There are still areas where the coral is pretty but there are also many places where the reef appears to be either dead or dying. There are fewer fish than there were and of fewer varieties. I had never considered that a hurricane could alter the environment below the surface of the water as much as the environment on the shore. In Cozumel, there is proof of the awesome power these storms can pack. We still saw many fish and coral formations but it just wasn't the same.
We did learn that the pure terror caused by snorkeling in choppy, freezing water works just as well as water spacers. Back in Jesus' boat, we happily drank to our health and rode back to Nachi Cocum. We ate lunch, drank the many shots and drinks that Jose and Mario kept sending to our table, and then walked along the beach collecting shells. (A word of advice, if the shells have not split open, do not bring them home. The whole shells still contain the sea critter and will eventually open up, the critter will die, and will then stink up your entire house. At least that's what I've heard...)
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| The Mario Special |
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| Mario and Jose |
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Rum Punch - A Breakfast Drink
In my last post, I tried to convey - unsuccessfully - just how beautiful Roatan was. The water was glassy and crystal clear. The beaches were pristine and lined with palm trees. The jungle was lush and vibrant. Close your eyes and imagine the beauty, the serenity... now imagine the exact opposite and you will have a perfect picture of Costa Maya, Mexico. Don't get me wrong, I'd move there in a second because it is, after all, on the Caribbean but it certainly paled in comparison to Roatan. Let's just say that International House Hunters is unlikely to show up in Costa Maya anytime soon.
Daphne - or was it Carol... I can't keep Dale's women straight anymore - had reserved a spot for us at the Maya Chan beach resort for the day so we piled into a cab with a twelve year old cab driver and away we went. We passed through downtown Costa Maya and then drove along quite possibly the worst road in the western hemisphere for what seemed like hours as we bounced around the interior of the cab. We started to get a little worried that we were being taken to the middle of nowhere because all we saw was the ocean on one side and what was formerly a mangrove forest on the other. The mangrove forest, along with most all of Costa Maya, was destroyed by a hurricane several years ago and it definitely shows. Occasionally, we would see a shack, a tent or a van in a small clearing in the mangrove wreckage or right out by the beach. Clothes lines, lawn chairs and the occasional toy were strewn around these "houses" to show that people were living there. I began to feel bad for these folks until I remembered who was living on the beach and who wasn't.
We finally arrived at Maya Chan and after a few minor spinal readjustments were led to our palapa. As we walked through the grounds we noticed that Maya Chan was breathtaking. The grounds were meticulously maintained (they even raked the sand) and the trees and shrubs were beautiful. Under our palapa, we found three lounge chairs and a beach mattress along with a spectacular view of the ocean. A bar and dining area were arranged under a big thatched roof to our left and more palapas and beach mattresses were arranged along the beach. When I build my Tiki Bar, I hope it looks half as good as Maya Chan.
The staff was just as wonderful as the scenery. As soon as we arrived (around 9 a.m.), we were served rum punches - anything that contains orange juice, such as rum punch, is technically a breakfast drink - and fruit cups. Not long after we had finished the punches, our waiter for the day, Zach, arrived and introduced himself. Zach had led an interesting life, to say the least. He had moved with his parents from California to Cancun and grew up there. His parents died in an accident when Zach was twelve so he found himself on his own. He ended up in Costa Maya giving city tours to the tourists and sleeping in the pier area. When he was older, he became the manager of the largest marina in Costa Maya. The hurricane wiped out the marina and wiped Zach out of a job. He went back to Cancun and worked for a while before one of his former employees at the marina offered him a job at Maya Chan. Anyway, Zach begged and begged for Dale and I to order a drink so we decided that Pacifico was a suitable pre-lunch beer.
One of the dangers of cruising in the wintertime is that the weather may not be as nice as you would like. In Costa Maya, the wind was blowing at about 20 mph and it was a little chilly. Since the weather was not suitable for being in the water, we spent most of our morning relaxing in the palapa. While we were relaxing, two ladies set up massage tables right in front of us and started trolling for tourists. The first tourist to agree to a massage was a middle aged lady. She climbed up on the massage table and laid down on her front. The masseuse untied her swim suit top and started shoving it down in the back. The lady on the table sat up to help with this process and quicker than you could say "Please, noooo...." the masseuse pushed her entire top down around her waist while the Tiki Gal and I watched in horror. Yes, we saw it all.
Have I mentioned before that anytime I've ever been involved with stranger nudity that I always wish I hadn't? Well, this was another one of those times. I immediately doused my eyes with Pacifico and tried not to think about vintage crack.
Luckily, I was able to distract myself on a guided bike tour with Zach and then with lunch. The "chef" at Maya Chan grills chicken, beef and fish on an outdoor grill beside the bar and then serves the meats with tortillas, cheese, pico de gayo, and beans. The food was really good. Also, as we stood in line to get our food a drunk woman used me to remain upright. How do I get so lucky?
After lunch, Dale and I were feeling adventurous so we took the glass bottom kayaks out into the pounding surf. We saw some fish and coral formations but mostly we tried to keep the surf from hurling us back up onto the shore. We paddled around for a little while and then started back for the beach. As we got closer, we found Daphne waiting for us with our afternoon beer of choice, Negra Modelo
Daphne and the Tiki Gal had been hanging out at the bar while we were kayaking so we joined them there. They had ordered red wine so Zach served it to them in tall Collins glasses instead of wine glasses. They were as happy as clams with their 32 oz. glasses of wine but the bartender / owner of Maya Chan did not seem as amused. He needs to lighten up if he's going to be a bartender, I think. Also, his mixed drinks were not the best we've had. He was a little skimpy with the alcohol, to say the least. We heard from other cruisers later in the week that the owner must have been filling in the day we were there because the regular bartender made really good drinks. Not that it bothered us. We put quite a dent in their Negra Modelo stock that day.
As we left Maya Chan that day with to-go cups full of red wine, we took a last look at the beautiful beach resort. It was difficult to keep that image in mind as we bounced from shoulder to shoulder on Pothole Street while looking at mangrove stumps and one room houses as we rode back to the ship, but we tried our best.
Daphne - or was it Carol... I can't keep Dale's women straight anymore - had reserved a spot for us at the Maya Chan beach resort for the day so we piled into a cab with a twelve year old cab driver and away we went. We passed through downtown Costa Maya and then drove along quite possibly the worst road in the western hemisphere for what seemed like hours as we bounced around the interior of the cab. We started to get a little worried that we were being taken to the middle of nowhere because all we saw was the ocean on one side and what was formerly a mangrove forest on the other. The mangrove forest, along with most all of Costa Maya, was destroyed by a hurricane several years ago and it definitely shows. Occasionally, we would see a shack, a tent or a van in a small clearing in the mangrove wreckage or right out by the beach. Clothes lines, lawn chairs and the occasional toy were strewn around these "houses" to show that people were living there. I began to feel bad for these folks until I remembered who was living on the beach and who wasn't.
We finally arrived at Maya Chan and after a few minor spinal readjustments were led to our palapa. As we walked through the grounds we noticed that Maya Chan was breathtaking. The grounds were meticulously maintained (they even raked the sand) and the trees and shrubs were beautiful. Under our palapa, we found three lounge chairs and a beach mattress along with a spectacular view of the ocean. A bar and dining area were arranged under a big thatched roof to our left and more palapas and beach mattresses were arranged along the beach. When I build my Tiki Bar, I hope it looks half as good as Maya Chan.
The staff was just as wonderful as the scenery. As soon as we arrived (around 9 a.m.), we were served rum punches - anything that contains orange juice, such as rum punch, is technically a breakfast drink - and fruit cups. Not long after we had finished the punches, our waiter for the day, Zach, arrived and introduced himself. Zach had led an interesting life, to say the least. He had moved with his parents from California to Cancun and grew up there. His parents died in an accident when Zach was twelve so he found himself on his own. He ended up in Costa Maya giving city tours to the tourists and sleeping in the pier area. When he was older, he became the manager of the largest marina in Costa Maya. The hurricane wiped out the marina and wiped Zach out of a job. He went back to Cancun and worked for a while before one of his former employees at the marina offered him a job at Maya Chan. Anyway, Zach begged and begged for Dale and I to order a drink so we decided that Pacifico was a suitable pre-lunch beer.
One of the dangers of cruising in the wintertime is that the weather may not be as nice as you would like. In Costa Maya, the wind was blowing at about 20 mph and it was a little chilly. Since the weather was not suitable for being in the water, we spent most of our morning relaxing in the palapa. While we were relaxing, two ladies set up massage tables right in front of us and started trolling for tourists. The first tourist to agree to a massage was a middle aged lady. She climbed up on the massage table and laid down on her front. The masseuse untied her swim suit top and started shoving it down in the back. The lady on the table sat up to help with this process and quicker than you could say "Please, noooo...." the masseuse pushed her entire top down around her waist while the Tiki Gal and I watched in horror. Yes, we saw it all.
Have I mentioned before that anytime I've ever been involved with stranger nudity that I always wish I hadn't? Well, this was another one of those times. I immediately doused my eyes with Pacifico and tried not to think about vintage crack.
Luckily, I was able to distract myself on a guided bike tour with Zach and then with lunch. The "chef" at Maya Chan grills chicken, beef and fish on an outdoor grill beside the bar and then serves the meats with tortillas, cheese, pico de gayo, and beans. The food was really good. Also, as we stood in line to get our food a drunk woman used me to remain upright. How do I get so lucky?
After lunch, Dale and I were feeling adventurous so we took the glass bottom kayaks out into the pounding surf. We saw some fish and coral formations but mostly we tried to keep the surf from hurling us back up onto the shore. We paddled around for a little while and then started back for the beach. As we got closer, we found Daphne waiting for us with our afternoon beer of choice, Negra Modelo
Daphne and the Tiki Gal had been hanging out at the bar while we were kayaking so we joined them there. They had ordered red wine so Zach served it to them in tall Collins glasses instead of wine glasses. They were as happy as clams with their 32 oz. glasses of wine but the bartender / owner of Maya Chan did not seem as amused. He needs to lighten up if he's going to be a bartender, I think. Also, his mixed drinks were not the best we've had. He was a little skimpy with the alcohol, to say the least. We heard from other cruisers later in the week that the owner must have been filling in the day we were there because the regular bartender made really good drinks. Not that it bothered us. We put quite a dent in their Negra Modelo stock that day.
As we left Maya Chan that day with to-go cups full of red wine, we took a last look at the beautiful beach resort. It was difficult to keep that image in mind as we bounced from shoulder to shoulder on Pothole Street while looking at mangrove stumps and one room houses as we rode back to the ship, but we tried our best.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Speedy Stew
I was convinced from the beginning that Roatan, Honduras was going to be a horrible place to visit. As anyone who has read this blog knows, I am the Charlie Brown of vacation experiences. Just like Chuck, if something can go wrong on a vacation, it is going to go wrong on me. On Roatan, our dear departed friend Carol had arranged for us to go horseback riding and to visit monkeys and iguanas. I just knew that if a horse didn’t trample me to death, I would certainly be dragged off into the jungle by a pack of monkeys and never seen again. It was with this dark cloud of forbearing hanging over my head that I crossed the gangway onto the pier in Roatan.
My first impression of the island, earlier that morning while still safe on the balcony on the Voyager, was that it was very beautiful. Like Jamaica, Roatan is mountainous and very green. Unlike Jamaica, however, Roatan is not overly developed. Very few houses dotted the lush vegetation climbing the hills. Most of the buildings seemed to be concentrated along the coast line. It was interesting to see that the houses near the beaches weren’t the typical multimillion dollar mansions I’d seen on other islands that only professional basketball players and mid-level politicians could afford. The houses near the beaches in Roatan appeared to be just regular houses – houses the locals might actually live in. I was also amazed at the stillness of the water near the pier. If I didn’t know we were in the Caribbean Sea, I could have been convinced we were sitting in a small, protected pond with no waves to disturb the morning. Of course, we were on a boat with five-thousand people so it would have to be a really big pond.
We walked along the pier until we found our guide for the day, Rony of Rony’s Independent Tours. Rony was younger and spoke much better English than I expected. Rony led us to his van and off we went. As we drove, Rony commented on many of the sights and answered all of our numerous questions about Roatan and life on the island. He also told us the story of Speedy.
There are many wild iguanas on Roatan and some of the locals grow up hunting and eating them. Rony explained that if you grow up eating iguana, after a while it becomes like an addiction. You must have iguana every so often or you really start craving it. Usually, when Rony gets a craving for iguana, he takes his hunting dog out and they catch one for dinner. A few years ago, however, Roatan experienced heavy rains and Rony couldn’t get out to go hunting. It just so happened that Rony was house-sitting for a friend, George, – a friend that grew up in Canada – who had a pet iguana named Speedy. Rony said that as his craving got stronger, he kept thinking about Speedy just sitting there in his cage. The rain kept pouring and Rony’s craving kept getting growing. He knew that George would be really mad if he ate Speedy so he tried to resist. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore and turned Speedy into stew. George was not happy about this development, to say the least, and Rony did feel really bad. He replaced Speedy with a new iguana and George eventually forgave him. I don’t think Rony gets to house sit for George anymore, though.
As we drove along roads lined by lush vegetation, I would catch glimpses of the sea through openings in the palm trees. I cannot adequately describe how beautiful Roatan was. Everywhere you turned a flower or a tree or a stretch of beach looked like something you would see on a calendar. We’ve been to quite a few islands now and Roatan ranks right at the top as far as natural, unspoiled beauty goes.
We arrived at the ranch and Rony introduced us to the ranch owner, Sharky. Sharky sized us up and picked out horses for each of us. Daphne rode a horse named Black Boy. The Tiki Gal was on Skip. Dale rode Snowflake and I got a horse named Tangerine. I grew a little nervous because of all the horses, Tangerine was the only one that had to be held while Sharky worked on my saddle. Also, Rony looked more nervous than I felt when Sharky asked him to hold on to Tangerine. I was already wondering which side would be the best to dive off of when Tangerine decided to see if the gringo could fly.
I’m happy to say that my fears were completely unwarranted. We rode along the road to the West End beach and then down another road to the coast. Sharky showed us the dead coral that protects the island from the waves. He said the coral wasn’t pretty but it kept Roatan from eroding into the sea. Sharky also showed us many plants and told us how they could be used for medicine and in at least one case, to make explosives. We then rode right down the beach to a rocky outcropping where we stopped to rest and to take pictures.
Sharky said that when he was a boy, he could walk out into the ocean and choose any size lobster he wanted to take home for dinner. Now, the lobsters are gone. He also showed us a big area of beach front property that is owned by an old lady. He said that when she dies, her son would sell the land so he could have a better car and someone would likely build a resort or a bar. Sharky was sad to see the changes that were happening to his island. His stories made me think much differently about the places we’ve visited. I love visiting these beautiful islands but I hate what the tourism industry is doing to them at the same time. Roatan is still relatively unspoiled but it is just a matter of time before Sharky won’t be able to ride his horses along the beach anymore… all because some kid wants a better car and the tourists will pay to give him one. The worst part is I can’t blame anyone. The locals want a better life and there aren’t many employment options on the islands. The tourists want to experience something that they can’t at home and they do provide income to the locals. As always, the land pays the price. Where’s the Lorax when you need him?
Next, we went to see the monkeys and I’m happy to report that I survived the experience. However, if you travel to Roatan, I can’t recommend the monkey exhibit. It consists of a few pens with monkeys, parrots, and other birds and animals. You pay a “guide” who walks you around the backyard sized area and takes you inside a few of the pens. The monkeys are all too happy to jump on your back and walk around on your shoulders. They are also happy to reach in your pockets and unzip your zippers. Rony had warned us that the monkeys were trained to pick your pockets but I didn’t really believe him at the time. I certainly do now.
Our next stop was at an iguana farm. We told Rony he had to behave himself because we didn’t want to get kicked out because he got hungry. He agreed and we soon found ourselves surrounded by hundreds of iguanas. We fed the iguanas trumpet flower leaves and, at least in my case, a hunk out of a finger. You have to keep an eye on those iguanas because they will sneak up from behind you while you are taking pictures of their buddies and chomp down on any appendage they can reach. I blame the whole thing on Rony because the iguana was just following the law of the jungle. Eat or be eaten.
We had lunch at the Half Moon Bay resort and then went snorkeling right off the beach. We were surprised to find beautiful coral formations and a bunch of tropical fish within a few yards of the beach. Snorkeling in Roatan was as good as anywhere we’ve been. Poor Dale was bitten on the knee by a rare coral-gator, however, and will forever have the scar to show for it.
After snorkeling, Rony completed our tour of the island and dropped us back at the pier. He had spent the whole day driving us around, holding an agitated horse, telling us stories about his life on the island, resisting the temptations at the iguana farm and making sure our day was as wonderful as he could make it. For all of that, he only charged us $25 per person. If you ever find yourself on Roatan, I can’t recommend Rony’s Independent Tours highly enough. We will definitely be using Rony again in the future.
Our visit to Roatan couldn’t have been more different than I expected. We had a great day full of new experiences and beautiful scenery and we were all sad to be stepping back onto the Voyager. We hurried up onto the pool deck so we could wave goodbye to our new favorite island as the ship pulled away from the pier. The sun was setting over the mountains, the weather was warm, and we had experienced it all with our wonderful friends.
My first impression of the island, earlier that morning while still safe on the balcony on the Voyager, was that it was very beautiful. Like Jamaica, Roatan is mountainous and very green. Unlike Jamaica, however, Roatan is not overly developed. Very few houses dotted the lush vegetation climbing the hills. Most of the buildings seemed to be concentrated along the coast line. It was interesting to see that the houses near the beaches weren’t the typical multimillion dollar mansions I’d seen on other islands that only professional basketball players and mid-level politicians could afford. The houses near the beaches in Roatan appeared to be just regular houses – houses the locals might actually live in. I was also amazed at the stillness of the water near the pier. If I didn’t know we were in the Caribbean Sea, I could have been convinced we were sitting in a small, protected pond with no waves to disturb the morning. Of course, we were on a boat with five-thousand people so it would have to be a really big pond.
We walked along the pier until we found our guide for the day, Rony of Rony’s Independent Tours. Rony was younger and spoke much better English than I expected. Rony led us to his van and off we went. As we drove, Rony commented on many of the sights and answered all of our numerous questions about Roatan and life on the island. He also told us the story of Speedy.
There are many wild iguanas on Roatan and some of the locals grow up hunting and eating them. Rony explained that if you grow up eating iguana, after a while it becomes like an addiction. You must have iguana every so often or you really start craving it. Usually, when Rony gets a craving for iguana, he takes his hunting dog out and they catch one for dinner. A few years ago, however, Roatan experienced heavy rains and Rony couldn’t get out to go hunting. It just so happened that Rony was house-sitting for a friend, George, – a friend that grew up in Canada – who had a pet iguana named Speedy. Rony said that as his craving got stronger, he kept thinking about Speedy just sitting there in his cage. The rain kept pouring and Rony’s craving kept getting growing. He knew that George would be really mad if he ate Speedy so he tried to resist. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore and turned Speedy into stew. George was not happy about this development, to say the least, and Rony did feel really bad. He replaced Speedy with a new iguana and George eventually forgave him. I don’t think Rony gets to house sit for George anymore, though.
As we drove along roads lined by lush vegetation, I would catch glimpses of the sea through openings in the palm trees. I cannot adequately describe how beautiful Roatan was. Everywhere you turned a flower or a tree or a stretch of beach looked like something you would see on a calendar. We’ve been to quite a few islands now and Roatan ranks right at the top as far as natural, unspoiled beauty goes.
We arrived at the ranch and Rony introduced us to the ranch owner, Sharky. Sharky sized us up and picked out horses for each of us. Daphne rode a horse named Black Boy. The Tiki Gal was on Skip. Dale rode Snowflake and I got a horse named Tangerine. I grew a little nervous because of all the horses, Tangerine was the only one that had to be held while Sharky worked on my saddle. Also, Rony looked more nervous than I felt when Sharky asked him to hold on to Tangerine. I was already wondering which side would be the best to dive off of when Tangerine decided to see if the gringo could fly.
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| Snowflake and Skip |
I’m happy to say that my fears were completely unwarranted. We rode along the road to the West End beach and then down another road to the coast. Sharky showed us the dead coral that protects the island from the waves. He said the coral wasn’t pretty but it kept Roatan from eroding into the sea. Sharky also showed us many plants and told us how they could be used for medicine and in at least one case, to make explosives. We then rode right down the beach to a rocky outcropping where we stopped to rest and to take pictures.
Sharky said that when he was a boy, he could walk out into the ocean and choose any size lobster he wanted to take home for dinner. Now, the lobsters are gone. He also showed us a big area of beach front property that is owned by an old lady. He said that when she dies, her son would sell the land so he could have a better car and someone would likely build a resort or a bar. Sharky was sad to see the changes that were happening to his island. His stories made me think much differently about the places we’ve visited. I love visiting these beautiful islands but I hate what the tourism industry is doing to them at the same time. Roatan is still relatively unspoiled but it is just a matter of time before Sharky won’t be able to ride his horses along the beach anymore… all because some kid wants a better car and the tourists will pay to give him one. The worst part is I can’t blame anyone. The locals want a better life and there aren’t many employment options on the islands. The tourists want to experience something that they can’t at home and they do provide income to the locals. As always, the land pays the price. Where’s the Lorax when you need him?
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| Sharky |
Next, we went to see the monkeys and I’m happy to report that I survived the experience. However, if you travel to Roatan, I can’t recommend the monkey exhibit. It consists of a few pens with monkeys, parrots, and other birds and animals. You pay a “guide” who walks you around the backyard sized area and takes you inside a few of the pens. The monkeys are all too happy to jump on your back and walk around on your shoulders. They are also happy to reach in your pockets and unzip your zippers. Rony had warned us that the monkeys were trained to pick your pockets but I didn’t really believe him at the time. I certainly do now.
Our next stop was at an iguana farm. We told Rony he had to behave himself because we didn’t want to get kicked out because he got hungry. He agreed and we soon found ourselves surrounded by hundreds of iguanas. We fed the iguanas trumpet flower leaves and, at least in my case, a hunk out of a finger. You have to keep an eye on those iguanas because they will sneak up from behind you while you are taking pictures of their buddies and chomp down on any appendage they can reach. I blame the whole thing on Rony because the iguana was just following the law of the jungle. Eat or be eaten.
We had lunch at the Half Moon Bay resort and then went snorkeling right off the beach. We were surprised to find beautiful coral formations and a bunch of tropical fish within a few yards of the beach. Snorkeling in Roatan was as good as anywhere we’ve been. Poor Dale was bitten on the knee by a rare coral-gator, however, and will forever have the scar to show for it.
After snorkeling, Rony completed our tour of the island and dropped us back at the pier. He had spent the whole day driving us around, holding an agitated horse, telling us stories about his life on the island, resisting the temptations at the iguana farm and making sure our day was as wonderful as he could make it. For all of that, he only charged us $25 per person. If you ever find yourself on Roatan, I can’t recommend Rony’s Independent Tours highly enough. We will definitely be using Rony again in the future.
Our visit to Roatan couldn’t have been more different than I expected. We had a great day full of new experiences and beautiful scenery and we were all sad to be stepping back onto the Voyager. We hurried up onto the pool deck so we could wave goodbye to our new favorite island as the ship pulled away from the pier. The sun was setting over the mountains, the weather was warm, and we had experienced it all with our wonderful friends.
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