The Secret

The first two days of our cruise were… educational. We learned things about ourselves and about our fellow cruisers. We learned that we aren’t tough enough to win at music trivia. We learned that you can put anything at all on a lanyard and wear it around your neck. We learned that we take the party wherever we go. We learned that the Tiki Gal has a convincing British accent. And most importantly, we learned a secret that has been hidden from us by our Caribbean neighbors… the secret of the turtle.

As Dale, Daphne, the Tiki Gal and I boarded the Voyager of the Seas we noticed something quite different about our fellow cruisers. They were old. Really old. “Who left the door to the nursing home open?” old. We’d only been on summertime cruises before and, apparently, summertime is when people under the age of 85 cruise. On this cruise we would be bringing the average age down by about 30 years. A bonus of this was that we got to check out all the new walker models so we’ll know what brand to choose in the future.

The Voyager of the Seas

Once on board, we set about having a good time. The Voyager of the Seas was once the largest cruise ship in the world so we wandered around a bit to get our bearings. It is amazing to think that you can walk down the middle of a street with shops on both sides and be on a boat. Once we knew where everything was, we went up on deck to watch the ship sail out of port. Unfortunately, it was still winter in Galveston so it was a wee bit chilly to be standing in the open air for long. We spotted the pool bar right away and were lucky enough to find one of the most important elements of a cruise on our first day: the entertaining bartender. His name was Dosrell but, according to Dale, he liked to be called Dorgsell. Dorgsell made the girls rum punches and made big boy margaritas for Dale and me. We knew immediately that Dorgsell was our guy because he made excellent drinks and he was really friendly. Also, anyone who keeps pouring rum in the Tiki Gal’s drink whenever it starts to get low is a man after my own heart.

The "street" in the middle of the Voyager

We were at sea those first two days so we got to know quite a few of our fellow cruisers. At breakfast on Monday morning, we met a couple whose daughter, Dee Dee, worked on the rock wall on the ship. Dee Dee’s mom told us a story about the time she and Dee Dee and her other daughter went on safari in Kenya and a wildebeest trumpeted right outside their tent and scared them to death. She then told us about waiting for an hour and a half to watch lions mate and when they finally did, it took about 10 seconds and then it was over. I have to admit, this story secretly made me happy. After the safari, they climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.

We had no idea at the time but Daphne has quite a mischievous streak. She thought it would be funny to go up to the rock wall and mess with Dee Dee, so we did. As we walked up to the desk to check out our climbing gear, Daphne asked Dee Dee if she remembered us from the safari in Kenya. Dee Dee was trying to be polite but was definitely looking puzzled. Then Daphne asked if Dee Dee remembered when that wildebeest trumpeted outside the tents and scared everyone. Dee Dee was definitely looking uncomfortable now but she was still trying to smile. Dee Dee finally caught on when Daphne started talking about climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Dee Dee said “Have you been talking to my mother?” We all had a good laugh at that. Even though Dee Dee seemed to be a good sport about it, I’m glad she wasn’t holding my rope while I climbed the rock wall.

We also met some of our fellow cruisers at a Latin dance class. Dale and I were pleasantly surprised to learn we are not the worst dancers in the world, no matter what Daphne and the Tiki Gal think. During the dance class, I was demonstrating a dance that we saw a deranged man do at a benefit concert and the girls were taking pictures. Afterwards, a lady said we looked like we were having fun and the Tiki Gal said “we take the party wherever we go.” That statement was never truer than on this cruise.

We met a man who was extremely happy and extremely drunk. We heard him coming down a hallway singing “Got Patron in my cup! Got Patron in my cup!” He told us that he had just won $3000 playing craps. We also saw a young guy in a plaid shirt who was clearly conflicted. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to be one of the girls or one of the guys. From our standpoint, he was obviously one of the girls. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Not all of our encounters with our fellow cruisers were quite so enjoyable, however. We ate breakfast with a couple of Silver Serenaders who nearly started a riot over some missing granola. We played music trivia with a few people that obviously don’t take the party wherever they go. The Tiki Gal nearly started a shopping frenzy when she announced in a convincing British accent “Everything on this table is $9.99.” And worst of all, on formal night Dale and I saw some things we’ll never be able to unsee.

We had just taken pictures in our fancy clothes and were waiting outside the dining room for our seating to start. As we were waiting, minding our own business, an older lady walked by in a dress that can best be described as, um, well… see through. This wouldn’t have been so bad if she had been wearing a slip. Or underwear. As she walked away, Daphne said “Well, that was some vintage crack.” I was fortunate to only see her from behind. Poor Dale got the full frontal view as well. He started to sweat and tears were pouring uncontrollably from his eyes. We rushed him into the dining room and quickly ordered some wine. After two bottles, we finally got him back into shape and had a nice dinner. After dessert, we were headed back to our cabins to change clothes. Just as we rounded the corner and started up the stairs, Dale and I came face to breast with another horror show – a tramp stamp right on the side of a mostly exposed trailer-trash boob. I’m sure this lady thought she was looking hot but she couldn’t have been more wrong. She looked like she had a couple of half-deflated balloons in her dress. Dale and I needed another bottle of wine to flush out our eyes. Sadly, this was just the beginning of the stranger nudity we would be exposed to on our trip. All you guys don’t get excited out there, however. If I’ve learned one thing in all my years, it is that any stranger nudity you are likely to be exposed to is not stranger nudity you would choose to look at for any reason. Just shoot me now.

The most important thing we learned during our first two days started out innocently enough. We were sitting at the pool bar with Dorgsell when he asked what we were going to do on Roatan. We told him we were going to see the iguanas and he told us that they taste like chicken. We didn’t believe him, of course, so he called over Oldemar, a bartender from Costa Rica, who agreed that iguana tastes like chicken. We started talking about the strange things they eat in the Caribbean when Oldemar looked around like he was making sure no one was listening, and told us The Secret. He told us that in the Caribbean, to get ready for the honeymoon, a man will cook up a male turtle’s manly part, dry it out, scrape it into some wine or rum and drink it down. He said it makes a man strong in bed - really strong in bed. Poor Dorgsell was blushing fourteen shades of red at this point and trying to hide in the farthest corner of the bar. Daphne and the Tiki Gal were really interested in The Secret, however, and kept asking questions. Oldemar called over another guy from the Caribbean and asked him to tell them about the turtle. That poor guy couldn’t get away fast enough. He practically jumped overboard so he wouldn’t have to talk about the turtle.

As you might imagine, the turtle became the guiding force of the remainder of the cruise for us. Our stateroom attendant, Stanley, was from Roatan so we asked him where we could find turtles while we were on the island. He turned fourteen shades of red just like Dorgsell and then got really serious. “You don’t want to be messin’ wit’ the turtle, now,” he told us. “Promise me you’ll stay away from the turtle.” Wow. This guy who didn’t know us at all seemed really concerned about our welfare if we went chasing the turtle. There must be something to this turtle thing. Something powerful. Something mysterious.

My question is: why did Oldemar pick us out of all the people on the cruise to tell The Secret? Do Dale and I look like we need help? Do Daphne and the Tiki Gal look like we need help? Of course, after seeing the vintage crack and the trailer-trash boob, we might actually need help. Bring on the turtle.