Cruise Bingo

After we decided to go on our February cruise, the Tiki Gal and I were playing cards with Daphne and Dale, as we are prone to do, when we started talking about all of the wonderful things we had experienced on our previous cruises. To commemorate these experiences we thought it would be fun to create a Cruise Bingo game. We wrote down a list of the experiences that should appear in Cruise Bingo and I created a program that would randomly place them on bingo cards - yes, I'm truly a huge nerd. We printed out a bunch of cards and laminated them. When we got in the car to drive to Galveston for the cruise, we each drew four cards and the competition began.

To make a long story short, Daphne won Cruise Bingo by finding twenty-one of the twenty-four items on one of her cards. For winning, Daphne took home a lovely handcrafted necklace that was designed and produced in the Tiki household. Oddly enough, Daphne has not worn the necklace since the cruise. She must be saving it for a really special occasion.

In honor of Daphne's big win, here are the items on her card.

Daphne's Winning Card

Bad lounge singing
Daphne didn't have any trouble checking this item off her card. There was bad lounge singing on this cruise everywhere we turned.  The singer in the piano bar was best listened to after drinking heavily. We were subjected to a version of "Margaritaville" that could have only been worse if someone had died during the performance. It was so bad that we started going to watch the karaoke competition where at least the singing was supposed to be awful.

First visit to Cozumel
Before Carol's untimely demise, we always joked that her next visit to Cozumel would always be her first due to her rocky relationship with tequila. She always had a really good time in Cozumel but she seldom enjoyed the aftermath. Poor Carol never did get to visit Cozumel but Daphne was happy to enjoy this beautiful island for the first time.

Nachi Cocom in Cozumel

Inappropriate dinner wear
Two words: vintage crack.

Fatal sunburn
On a typical cruise, there are many, many opportunities to spot the sunblock challenged. On this cruise, however, we were with a lot of older folks who avoid the sun like they avoid purchasing small cars. We were halfway through the week before Daphne spotted one of the waitresses at the supper club who had apparently been roasted in one of the ovens.

Hair braider
This item is pretty much a free space because hair braiders on a Caribbean island are as thick as bad lounge singers on a cruise ship.

Frisking
Daphne didn't get to check this space, I'm happy to report. I'm happy because the frisking always seems to apply to me. I've been frisked by a female security guard in Jamaica and by a lunch lady at a Jimmy Buffet concert. I would rather forget both of those experiences so I was not disappointed to be spared yet another frisking.

Slot tournament
On our previous cruise, Dale won the slot tournament. On this cruise, we missed out on the slot tournament entirely somehow. This was another item Daphne did not check.

Swim-up bar
I can think of only a few things in life that are better than spending an afternoon at a swim-up bar with good friends. One of our favorite swim-up bars is at Nachi Cocom in Cozumel and Dale and I braved the frigid pool to have tequila shots with the bartenders. Daphne was nearby so she checked off this item.

The swim-up bar is to the right under the thatch roof

Stranger nudity
Have I mentioned that stranger nudity is seldom a good thing? I have? Many times? Well, I say it so often because it is true. We were overwhelmed by stranger nudity on this cruise. We saw elderly nudity, trailer trash nudity and beach nudity all in one trip. It doesn't get any stranger than that.

Woman in men's room (or vice versa)
Like stranger nudity, this item is seldom as exciting as it sounds. In Playa Maya at the Maya Chan beach club, there were many more women than could comfortably use the women's bathroom. The women then did what comes naturally to them: they took over the bathroom that previously belonged to the men.

Meet someone not from Texas, Oklahoma or Arkansas
When we cruise out of Galveston, Texas, the vast majority of our fellow cruisers are from Texas. There are a few from surrounding states like Oklahoma and Arkansas but the diversity usually ends there. As the Tiki Gal likes to say, it is like going on a cruise at Bubba's Barbecue. However, we did meet Jay and Joanne from somewhere in the northeast.

Entertaining photographer or bartender
We had many entertaining bartenders on this trip but Dosrell and Oldemar win the prize for letting us in on The Secret.

Dosrell and Oldemar

Free Space
We wrote in our own memorable items in the free spaces. Daphne wrote in the Curly Mullet on the winning card. Anytime you can write Curly Mullet on pretty much anything, you know you are doing something right.

Cell phone at dinner
Daphne was able to check this item off before we even got on the cruise ship thanks to the Tiki Gal. She got a call at dinner in Houston because our kids were locked out of our house and wanted her help with this - from 500 miles away.

Panic attack
Daphne was able to check off her own panic attack for this item. When we went horseback riding in Roatan, the first part of the ride was along a busy road. Daphne was - uncomfortable - with riding along a road on the side of a steep hill while cars buzzed along at high speed just a few feet away. She was so uncomfortable that she probably could have downed a couple of beers with out a grimace. Well... maybe with a small grimace.

Tramp stamp
What is the attraction with the lower back tattoo? As a red blooded male, I can truthfully say that I don't find them attractive. Attractive girls don't need them and unattractive girls are typically just drawing attention to an area that would best be overlooked. Daphne checked this off within five minutes of boarding the ship.

Bowl of bacon
On a previous cruise, we actually saw a person with a bowl filled, not with cereal, but with bacon at breakfast.  Our arteries were glad that Daphne was not able to check this item off during this cruise.

Waiter/waitress failure
This item originated when our assistant waiter on a previous cruise poured a small amount of wine in Dale's glass for tasting, proceeded to fill everyone else's glass when Dale okayed the selection, but forgot to fill Dale's glass and walked off. Dale was stuck with an empty wine glass through most of the meal. In a similar event on this cruise, a waiter at another table forgot to order a birthday cake for one of his guests. He sent our assistant waiter, Ravi, running off to get the cake. While Ravi was gone, the waiter was supposed to pour our coffee. He did pour Dale's and Daphne's coffee but skipped over... me.

Speedo
Much like the tramp stamp, I don't understand the attraction some guys have to wearing Speedo swimming suits. There are some things about other guys I just don't want to know and many of those things are on display in a Speedo. Luckily for me, we didn't spot a Speedo on this trip and Daphne did not get to check this item. It was especially lucky since the average age of our fellow cruisers was approximately 89. The sagging would have been horrifying.

Frisky fish
On a previous cruise, we were relaxing in the water in Grand Cayman when a school of small fish attacked the Tiki Gal. One of these fish tried to jump down the top of her swimming suit. On this cruise, Daphne saw some fish while snorkeling in Roatan and a few of them looked a little frisky. (We aren't very strict on what it takes to check some of these items, as you might be able to tell.)

Lettuce failure
The original lettuce failure belonged to Dale. He was eating a Caesar salad when a rogue wave caused him to drop an extremely large piece of lettuce on the floor. Daphne was happily recounting this event when she elbowed her water and spilled it all over the Tiki Gal's bread proving that karma is still alive and well.

Casino jealousy
There is one person in our group - to protect her identity we'll call her Daphne - who doesn't deal well with other's casino successes if she is not winning as well. Since we all stunk in the casino on this cruise, Daphne was only jealous of the nameless strangers who were winning all around us.

Carbon paper
We don't often see carbon paper in this carbonless world we live in but for some odd reason we often see carbon paper on cruises. Unfortunately, we're all too old to remember where we saw it during this trip but we all checked it off on our Bingo cards.

Overflowing hot tub
Picture, if you will, a cruise ship pool deck on a sunny afternoon in the Caribbean. You glide between glistening, toned bodies soaking up the rays as you make your way to the sparkling water of the pool where a few incredibly attractive people are chatting about interesting world events while sipping fruity drinks festooned with little umbrellas. You climb the steps to the unoccupied hot tub and feel your stress slip away as you sink into the bubbling water. Now forget that image because it is never going to be found on a cruise ship. Instead, you'll make your way between large, hairy, unattractive folks drinking bad beer from aluminum bottles. You won't see any water, sparkling or otherwise, because every square inch of the pool will be filled with screaming, thrashing children. You'll make your way up the steps to the hot tub to find it overstuffed - like the bikinis - with more of the buffet loving crowd. As you squeeze in between a large man wearing his permanent fur coat and a large woman who keeps screaming - directly into your left ear - at her children to stop "dunkin' each other" in the pool, you'll notice gallons and gallons of water sloshing out over the sides of the hot tub and down onto the pool deck.  That's when it hits you, this is no ordinary vacation... and you get to check off the overflowing hot tub on your Cruise Bingo card.

Chocolate strawberries
The girls are big fans of chocolate-covered strawberries so they talked our head waiter into sending a big platter to each of our cabins. They even shared a strawberry or two with Dale and me.

Thank you, Rayomond!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The characters you meet on a cruise - or at least the characters I meet - are often worth the price of admission just for their pure entertainment value. Since Daphne and the Tiki Gal will talk to anyone about anything and I possess some weird animal magnetism that attracts strange people, we meet no shortage of characters wherever we go and this cruise was no different. In honor of one of my favorite movies I've grouped these characters into three groups: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

The Good

Alex
Alex was our waiter, our friend, and our adopted son. We looked forward to dinner each evening so that we could spend a few hours with him because of his sense of humor and charm. We learned a little about his family and his home. We also learned about his girlfriend on the ship. Of course Daphne and the Tiki Gal had to track her down to see if they approved and luckily for her - and for Alex - they thought she was a sweet and pretty girl so they gave their blessings.

We had fun teasing Alex about the turtle love potion we had learned about. Each night, we brought him a little turtle that we had picked up on the islands. One of the turtles had a bobbing head like those dogs that used to sit on the dashes of cars. Alex did a wonderful impression of the bobbing head dogs that had us rolling.

He was not sold on the turtle love potion, however. He said that he preferred red wine because “red wine is good for the woman when the man drinks it.”

Alex also enjoyed teasing another waiter about The Curmudgeon. He even made up a song to commemorate the occasion:

Don't you wish your people were good like mine,
I take their dirty dishes and they don't mind.

We've had fun waiters on other cruises but Alex was our favorite. His obvious dedication to making sure we were happy with his service would have made him one of the best waiters on its own but his charm and wit put him over the top.

Ravi, Alex and Ananda 

Rayomond, Ananda, Ravi
Rayomond was our head waiter and a funny and charming guy as well. We had fun joking with him about The Curmudgeon and turtle love potions. He sent chocolate covered strawberries to our cabins for the girls so he was their hero from then on.

Ravi was our assistant waiter. He told us that his island, Mauritius, is the size of a poppy seed as he pointed at a small poppy seed on the tablecloth. He also knew about the turtle love potion and was very direct in telling us exactly how it was made. Unfortunately, assistant waiters are always busy so we didn’t get to spend as much time with Ravi as with Alex.

Ananda was the waiter at the table near us and had to wait on The Curmudgeon. We felt really bad for him because we could tell that all of The Curmudgeon's complaining was bothering him. Since we were often the last people out of the dining room, we had a chance to chat with Ananda and found him to be a very nice man.

Rayomond

Rony
Rony took us on a private tour of Roatan and really went above and beyond the call of duty. He held my skittish horse while Sharky worked on the stirrups, he told us about his “difficulties” with Speedy, he told us that Roatan was too small for having two girlfriends, and most importantly he showed us around a beautiful island.

Chad and Amy
Chad and Amy are a young couple from Ohio that we met while watching Superstar Karaoke one night. Actually, the Tiki Gal and Daphne met them. Dale and I were busy stuffing napkins in our ears to drown out a truly horrible rendition of We are the Champions. Based on our recommendation, Chad and Amy joined us at Nachi Cocum in Cozumel. Contrary to our recommendations, Chad did not use the water spacers and may get to visit Cozumel for the first time again in the future.

Zach
Zach is the man. He was our waiter, bike tour guide, marine biologist, and sommelier at Maya Chan. He also coined two of our favorite new phrases: “single file me” and “a Mexican minute.” The following examples will help explain the proper usage of these phrases.

Let’s say you are riding a bicycle with a group of other cyclists and you are at the front of the pack. The rest of the cyclists are spread across the road behind you trying to dodge the meteor-crater sized potholes that make the road look like the surface of the moon. If at any point you see a large vehicle of indeterminate make and model barreling toward your group of cyclists at a high rate of speed, you should yell “Single file me!” as loud as possible. The other cyclists should then pedal like mad toward the side of the road to avoid certain death and dismemberment.

Furthermore, assume that when you yelled “Single file me!” one of the cyclists panicked and fell into one of the deep, dark potholes - bicycle and all. You pedal back and peer carefully over the edge to see if the cyclist survived the fall. You breathe more easily when you determine that the person lying at the bottom of the hole is indeed alive but you pause when that person yells up “How long until the ambulance arrives?” Since you know that help may arrive anytime in the next five minutes to five days, you yell down in your most cheerful voice, “Don’t you worry! Help will be here in a Mexican minute!”

Sharky
If Roatan is ever looking for a new Minister of Tourism, the people could do much worse than to hire Sharky for the job. Sharky’s horse back riding tour is one of my favorite memories from our cruise due to the wonderful things Sharky showed us and his obvious love of the natural beauty of the island. Sharky, if you ever happen across this blog I want you to know that I’m hoping you can wade out into the sea someday soon and once again take your pick of lobsters.

Jay and Joanne
Joanne was a force of nature. I never thought we’d meet someone who could out-talk both the Tiki Gal and Daphne put together. Jay, however, is my hero. When he said, after accepting a second cup of coffee as Joanne was leaving to go shopping, that he didn’t really want more coffee but he certainly wasn’t going shopping with Joanne, a light went off in my head. This guy is the guru of marriage. Dr. Phil only wishes he knew as much about maintaining a happy marriage as Jay.

Jerry Johnson
Jerry Johnson was a man we met at the rear of the ship while he was setting up his HAM radio receiver so that he could listen to broadcasts from the U.S. We were near Belize at the time. Jerry also showed us where we were on his aviation GPS. He had better gadgets than James Bond.

Jose and Mario
Jose and Mario were our bartenders at Nachi Cocum. Their drinks were tasty and they just kept sending them to us. And sending them. And sending them. They even sent us shots that the girls enjoyed. And, best of all, when Dale and I braved the freezing waters of the swim-up bar, Jose and Mario had a shot of Jose Cuervo with us. We were touched because we hadn’t seen them do that with anyone else. Salut!

Mario and Jose

Patron in my cup guy
One afternoon, we were playing cards in a bar and heard a guy walking along singing “I got Patron in my cup, I got Patron in my cup.” He had just won some money at the casino and his joy was contagious. Unfortunately, the Patron in his cup was not.

Dosrell and Oldemar
Dosrell and Oldemar were our favorite bartenders on the ship and Oldemar introduced us to the turtle love potion. They served up good drinks and great times. What more can you ask for?

Dosrell and Oldemar

Abercrombie and Fitch
Abercrombie and Fitch were a couple that we met somewhere on the ship. They were about our age – maybe a little older – but they dressed like the models in an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. We couldn’t keep up with Abercrombie and Fitch but we did enjoy watching them have a good time.

The Bad

The Curmudgeon
The Curmudgeon was an old guy that sat at a table near us at dinner. The first night, we all felt bad for him because he seemed to be alone. The next night, we found out why he was alone. He complained to Rayomond that Ananda had taken his dirty dishes away. He said that the dishes should be left on the table until the diners were done and had walked away. Since we were eating multiple course meals, we wondered where the dishes for the other courses were supposed to be stacked. Did he want all of his food dumped on the same plate? Did he want the dishes arrayed around him like dirty bingo cards?

The Curmudgeon wasn’t content to just complain about Ananda. He also complained when a group of kids marched singing through the dining room because “I didn’t pay to hear this!” In short, he was The Curmudgeon because he complained about everything.

After listening to The Curmudgeon grouse for the seventeenth time, Rayomond decided he didn’t want to get old. He said he would just do away with himself when he reached fifty. Alex immediately said “Why wait? We can take care of that right now.”

Conflicted Guy
The Conflicted Guy was either still in college or just out. He was with a group that looked like college friends. The first time we saw him was at Superstar Karaoke where he was having trouble deciding if he should hang on the girls or the guys. Every time we saw him, in fact, he was having trouble determining which side of the fence he wanted to hang out on. There were two clues that told us which team he was on, however, even if he doesn’t know it yet. First, we saw him at the pool bar and he had a tattoo on his lower back. I’ve seen many women with this type of tattoo but I think it is probably rare on guys – at least the guys I hang out with anyway. Second, we saw him at the disco. If you’ve ever been to a dance of any sort, you’ve seen the following: a popular song starts playing and all the girls who love to dance immediately run, skip or jump onto the dance floor. At the disco, the Conflicted Guy was skipping right along with the girls, every time.

Dancing Girl
The first time we saw Dancing Girl was also at Superstar Karaoke. She was wearing one of her many miniskirts and sitting on some guy’s lap. We noticed her because she was called up to sing an enthusiastic version of Hit Me With Your Best Shot. She did look a little like an older Pat Benatar but the thing that really made her fun to watch was her dancing. If you’ve ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine dances and George describes it as a “full body dry heave” then you can picture exactly what Dancing Girl looked like. Luckily for us, she didn’t restrict her dancing to just karaoke competitions. We saw her in the disco full body dry heaving all over the place. We even saw her have a wild, sexual escapade with her boyfriend’s leg while he completely ignored her. I gotta say, if the Tiki Gal ever did something like that to me there wouldn’t be any ignoring going on – assuming I didn’t die of a heart attack from the shock, of course.

The Dancing Girl was not a good dancer but she was certainly entertaining and gave us plenty to laugh about. Thank you Dancing Girl. I hope you find a boyfriend who will pay attention to you when you have relations with his leg in the middle of a crowded disco. You deserve it.



Stranger nudity
I had a hard time deciding if the stranger nudity on this trip belonged in The Bad category or The Ugly category. While all the stranger nudity we saw was certainly bad, not all of it was ugly so here it is. Our Stranger Nudity started out with the Vintage Crack and Trailer Trash Boob on the first formal night. Just when Dale and I had recovered from rinsing our eyes with tequila, we saw a topless lady on the beach in Roatan. She was the only reason stranger nudity isn’t in The Ugly category, actually, but I did find it a little awkward to try to look everywhere except where the half-naked lady was standing. Finally, the Tiki Gal and I saw a masseuse rip a lady’s top down to her belly button in Costa Maya. This is not a sight I will ever recover from as long as I live. I’m actually wincing as I write this sentence.

As I’ve stated many times before, stranger nudity is seldom anything you want to be involved with. The therapist that is treating Dale and me can vouch for us if you are still skeptical.

The Silver Serenaders
The Silver Serenaders were a group of older folks that… well, sing. We had several run-ins with these folks and always went away shaking our heads. The first incident was when two of the Serenaders turned our breakfast into a circus. We also had lunch with a Serenader and her husband. She had seen the Texas Tenors the night before and told us that one of the Tenors was just as good as Pavarotti. Of course, her hearing aid may have been turned off at the time. You never can tell with those Serenaders.

The Catered Knitting Circle
We walked past a bar on the ship one afternoon and saw a group of older women knitting with a big tray of food on the table in front of them. I only hope that if the Tiki Gal and Daphne take up knitting in their golden years that Dale and I have learned the lesson that Jay tried to teach us. Yes sir, I will have another cup of coffee…

The Ugly

The Manny Pack
We saw a man with a large gut and just below that gut was a huge fanny pack. Daphne immediately christened this phenomenon the Manny Pack. The Manny Pack is a large fanny pack worn by a man in front.

What did he have in that pack? Did he wear it in front to hide something? Do you really need that much stuff to walk around on a ship in the middle of the ocean? The Manny Pack is troubling on many levels. I will say that if Daphne and the Tiki Gal take up knitting or join an elderly singing group, Dale and I will have Manny Packs of our own shortly thereafter. It would only be fair.

The Spectacular Mullet
We saw several mullets onboard the ship but one stood out above the rest. A lady had a mullet that was appropriately short in front and wonderfully long in the back. The thing that put her mullet over the top was that it was curly all over, not in a naturally curly kind of way, but in an “I had my mullet permed” kind of way. It was a curly, luxurious, business-in-the-front-and-party-in-the-back, spectacular mullet. It made me happy every time I saw it.

The Stupid Family
We stopped by the Pig and Whistle pub one afternoon for refreshments and saw The Stupid Family for the first time. The Stupid Family consisted of a Grandfather, Grandmother, Son, Daughter-in-Law and several grandchildren. That day at the Pig and Whistle, both Grandpa Stupid and Stupid Junior were wearing shirts that said “You can’t fix stupid but you can vote it out of office.” We thought the shirts were ironic because this family couldn’t have been more arrogant, rude, and, well, stupid themselves. The Grandpa ordered the waitress around like she worked for him and then told her to get him a beer and a kiss. From the look on her face, she would have preferred to kiss a giant, stinging jellyfish. We saw The Stupid Family several more times and they lived up to their name on each occasion. I guess Stupid is as Stupid does.

Water Spacers

After visiting Roatan and Maya Chan on successive days, Daphne, Dale, the Tiki Gal and I were worried that the Nachi Cocum beach club in Cozumel would not be able to compete. We'd always had a great time in Cozumel - except for Daphne since this was her first visit... of course, every trip to Cozumel for Carol was her first as well... what a strange coincidence - but we didn't know if it could be as wonderful as we remembered. Once we were seated under our thatch umbrella on the white beach with the bright blue waves rolling in, however, it just felt like home.

Nachi Cocum

For some reason, we always suffer minor mishaps in Cozumel such as: diamond shopping gone wrong, panic attacks, sprinting down the pier so that we aren't left behind, capsized banana boats, near drowning due to capsized banana boat, nose bleeds, tequila overindulgence, terrifying cab rides and being spanked with a noodle. If you look carefully at the list of mishaps, you may find one mishap that is the cause of all the others. I'll wait while you try to find it... a little longer for the slower students... good job everyone. Tequila overindulgence seems to have been the root cause of our problems in Cozumel. Daphne had heard of our issues, puzzled this out beforehand and offered a solution: water spacers. The idea is that you drink a bottle of water between alcoholic drinks. That way, you drink less alcohol and have more time to process the alcohol you've already drunk. We decided to give the water spacers a try to see if it would help.

Unfortunately for us, the mishaps began before we even left the pier. We got off the ship, walked down the long dock, wound through the shopping area and got in line to catch a cab. While waiting, Dale discovered that someone had removed his swim suit from his bag and left it on the ship. He took off at a sprint to retrieve his swim suit so Daphne, the Tiki Gal and I waited by a tee shirt shop for him to return. While waiting, we read the tee shirts and were surprised by what they said. Since this is a family blog, I won't reprint the sayings but just know that your grandmother would not approve if you wore one of those shirts to Sunday dinner. Breathless, Dale arrived back with his swim suit and we took a cab to Nachi Cocum.

Everything looked just like we remembered it: the thatch covered dining and bar area, the pool and swim up bar, the beautiful beach with thatch covered umbrellas, the crystal clear, blue water of the Caribbean. We were escorted to our umbrella and lounge chairs so we set up camp. Once we were all arranged, we ordered our morning beverages and settled in to relax. A little later, while Dale and the girls were changing clothes, a snorkel boat operator named Jesus asked me if I wanted to schedule a snorkeling expedition for later in the day. I am not the social coordinator of our group (and don't want to be) so I told him I'd think about it. Later, while Dale and I were enjoying the ocean, Jesus told the girls that I was considering the snorkeling tour by saying "The bald, he think it." Of course, the girls thought this was hilarious so they tried to talk him into asking me if I wanted my hair braided. He replied, "I'm not going to say, he kick my ass."

Thatch umbrellas in paradise

The clear, blue water of the Caribbean was a little bit chilly so we decided to spend some time in the hot tub. The hot tub wasn't very hot but it did border the swim up bar so we toughed it out. We were enjoying the sun and the drinks while trying to use the water spacer theory - I think the girls did a better job of this than I did - when the bartenders noticed that there was some flotsam floating around in the hot tub. They called a guy over to dip the leaves out of the hot tub so we cleared out while he was working. Unfortunately for me, I chose to step over the side of the hot tub onto a ledge that ran the length of the pool. Just as I was walking along the ledge past the guy with the skimming net, a rogue wave slammed up on the beach and knocked me off into the pool. Through many years of training, I've learned to protect a beer as if it were a Faberge egg so I managed to keep the bottle of Sol I was carrying above the water even while I sucked in half the pool. With only a little thrashing about, I managed to get back on my feet, get my head above the water, and check on my beer. The girls were rolling on the ground at this point and the bartenders were trying to blame the guy with the skimmer for knocking me into the pool. It was only then that I realized that the pool was freezing cold and so was I. I climbed up the steps with my head down, leaving what little dignity I still possessed at the bottom of the pool. On the other hand, my beer was not lost and that is the most important thing. Also, I drank a slightly chlorinated water spacer without even trying.

Once I had recovered and the hot tub was clean, we got back in and were soon joined by several couples from a different cruise ship. The first thing I noticed was that the ladies all seemed to have been in the shop for the addition of some accessories, if you know what I mean. As we chatted, we found that they had been to Maya Chan earlier in the week. They raved about the bartender and the awesome drinks. Apparently, they had a different bartender at Maya Chan than we did because the mixed drinks we got there were not very good. The mixed drinks at Nachi Cocum more than made up for the disappointment we felt, however. Our bartenders, Jose and Mario, kept the beers and the Mamasitas (with an occasional Margarita mixed in for variety) coming.

After we had been drinking in the hot tub for quite some time, Jesus dropped by and talked us into going snorkeling. In hindsight, snorkeling after a morning of drinking in a hot tub is probably not the best idea. I also forgot to mention that the hurricane force winds had followed us from Costa Maya so the waves were pretty big. So just to be clear, snorkeling in big waves after a morning of drinking in a hot tub is really not a good idea. At the time, we thought it was a grand idea so we grabbed beers to go and hopped in the boat with Jesus and one other lady who was going snorkeling. I thought it was a very good sign when I noticed that she had a small sea turtle tattooed on her ankle. This truly was the cruise of the turtle.

I wasn't feeling so good, however, when we reached the reef and I jumped into water that was twenty feet deep. I was immediately pounded by the four foot waves as I tried to get my mask and snorkel in place. After I put my face down in the water and started swimming along, however, the waves were not so bad. The first time we snorkeled in Cozumel was before hurricane Wilma hit in 2005. At that time, the reef was beautiful and there were fish everywhere. Unfortunately, the reef has not yet recovered from Wilma. There are still areas where the coral is pretty but there are also many places where the reef appears to be either dead or dying. There are fewer fish than there were and of fewer varieties. I had never considered that a hurricane could alter the environment below the surface of the water as much as the environment on the shore. In Cozumel, there is proof of the awesome power these storms can pack. We still saw many fish and coral formations but it just wasn't the same.

We did learn that the pure terror caused by snorkeling in choppy, freezing water works just as well as water spacers. Back in Jesus' boat, we happily drank to our health and rode back to Nachi Cocum. We ate lunch, drank the many shots and drinks that Jose and Mario kept sending to our table, and then walked along the beach collecting shells. (A word of advice, if the shells have not split open, do not bring them home. The whole shells still contain the sea critter and will eventually open up, the critter will die, and will then stink up your entire house. At least that's what I've heard...)

The Mario Special

Before leaving for the day, Dale and I had to visit the swim up bar. As I've mentioned, the pool water was freezing cold but a swim up bar is something that cannot be passed up. We gingerly waded through the water to the bar where Jose and Mario gave us tequila shots. We were really surprised when they poured shots for themselves and drank with us. We had never seen them do that with anyone before. Feeling quite special, and somewhat toasty, we slogged our way back out of the pool and caught a cab for the trip back to the pier.

Mario and Jose

Thanks to Daphne and her water spacer idea, none of us spent the night wishing we had never visited Cozumel. If only Carol had known this trick, maybe things would have turned out differently for her. We will never know...

Rum Punch - A Breakfast Drink

In my last post, I tried to convey - unsuccessfully - just how beautiful Roatan was. The water was glassy and crystal clear. The beaches were pristine and lined with palm trees. The jungle was lush and vibrant. Close your eyes and imagine the beauty, the serenity... now imagine the exact opposite and you will have a perfect picture of Costa Maya, Mexico. Don't get me wrong, I'd move there in a second because it is, after all, on the Caribbean but it certainly paled in comparison to Roatan. Let's just say that International House Hunters is unlikely to show up in Costa Maya anytime soon.

Daphne - or was it Carol... I can't keep Dale's women straight anymore - had reserved a spot for us at the Maya Chan beach resort for the day so we piled into a cab with a twelve year old cab driver and away we went. We passed through downtown Costa Maya and then drove along quite possibly the worst road in the western hemisphere for what seemed like hours as we bounced around the interior of the cab. We started to get a little worried that we were being taken to the middle of nowhere because all we saw was the ocean on one side and what was formerly a mangrove forest on the other. The mangrove forest, along with most all of Costa Maya, was destroyed by a hurricane several years ago and it definitely shows. Occasionally, we would see a shack, a tent or a van in a small clearing in the mangrove wreckage or right out by the beach. Clothes lines, lawn chairs and the occasional toy were strewn around these "houses" to show that people were living there. I began to feel bad for these folks until I remembered who was living on the beach and who wasn't.

We finally arrived at Maya Chan and after a few minor spinal readjustments were led to our palapa. As we walked through the grounds we noticed that Maya Chan was breathtaking. The grounds were meticulously maintained (they even raked the sand) and the trees and shrubs were beautiful. Under our palapa, we found three lounge chairs and a beach mattress along with a spectacular view of the ocean. A bar and dining area were arranged under a big thatched roof to our left and more palapas and beach mattresses were arranged along the beach. When I build my Tiki Bar, I hope it looks half as good as Maya Chan.

The staff was just as wonderful as the scenery. As soon as we arrived (around 9 a.m.), we were served rum punches - anything that contains orange juice, such as rum punch, is technically a breakfast drink - and fruit cups. Not long after we had finished the punches, our waiter for the day, Zach, arrived and introduced himself. Zach had led an interesting life, to say the least. He had moved with his parents from California to Cancun and grew up there. His parents died in an accident when Zach was twelve so he found himself on his own. He ended up in Costa Maya giving city tours to the tourists and sleeping in the pier area. When he was older, he became the manager of the largest marina in Costa Maya. The hurricane wiped out the marina and wiped Zach out of a job. He went back to Cancun and worked for a while before one of his former employees at the marina offered him a job at Maya Chan. Anyway, Zach begged and begged for Dale and I to order a drink so we decided that Pacifico was a suitable pre-lunch beer.

One of the dangers of cruising in the wintertime is that the weather may not be as nice as you would like. In Costa Maya, the wind was blowing at about 20 mph and it was a little chilly. Since the weather was not suitable for being in the water, we spent most of our morning relaxing in the palapa. While we were relaxing, two ladies set up massage tables right in front of us and started trolling for tourists. The first tourist to agree to a massage was a middle aged lady. She climbed up on the massage table and laid down on her front. The masseuse untied her swim suit top and started shoving it down in the back. The lady on the table sat up to help with this process and quicker than you could say "Please, noooo...." the masseuse pushed her entire top down around her waist while the Tiki Gal and I watched in horror. Yes, we saw it all.

Have I mentioned before that anytime I've ever been involved with stranger nudity that I always wish I hadn't? Well, this was another one of those times. I immediately doused my eyes with Pacifico and tried not to think about vintage crack.

Luckily, I was able to distract myself on a guided bike tour with Zach and then with lunch. The "chef" at Maya Chan grills chicken, beef and fish on an outdoor grill beside the bar and then serves the meats with tortillas, cheese, pico de gayo, and beans. The food was really good. Also, as we stood in line to get our food a drunk woman used me to remain upright. How do I get so lucky?

After lunch, Dale and I were feeling adventurous so we took the glass bottom kayaks out into the pounding surf. We saw some fish and coral formations but mostly we tried to keep the surf from hurling us back up onto the shore. We paddled around for a little while and then started back for the beach. As we got closer, we found Daphne waiting for us with our afternoon beer of choice, Negra Modelo

Daphne and the Tiki Gal had been hanging out at the bar while we were kayaking so we joined them there. They had ordered red wine so Zach served it to them in tall Collins glasses instead of wine glasses. They were as happy as clams with their 32 oz. glasses of wine but the bartender / owner of Maya Chan did not seem as amused. He needs to lighten up if he's going to be a bartender, I think. Also, his mixed drinks were not the best we've had. He was a little skimpy with the alcohol, to say the least. We heard from other cruisers later in the week that the owner must have been filling in the day we were there because the regular bartender made really good drinks. Not that it bothered us. We put quite a dent in their Negra Modelo stock that day.

As we left Maya Chan that day with to-go cups full of red wine, we took a last look at the beautiful beach resort. It was difficult to keep that image in mind as we bounced from shoulder to shoulder on Pothole Street while looking at mangrove stumps and one room houses as we rode back to the ship, but we tried our best.

Speedy Stew

I was convinced from the beginning that Roatan, Honduras was going to be a horrible place to visit. As anyone who has read this blog knows, I am the Charlie Brown of vacation experiences. Just like Chuck, if something can go wrong on a vacation, it is going to go wrong on me. On Roatan, our dear departed friend Carol had arranged for us to go horseback riding and to visit monkeys and iguanas. I just knew that if a horse didn’t trample me to death, I would certainly be dragged off into the jungle by a pack of monkeys and never seen again. It was with this dark cloud of forbearing hanging over my head that I crossed the gangway onto the pier in Roatan.

My first impression of the island, earlier that morning while still safe on the balcony on the Voyager, was that it was very beautiful. Like Jamaica, Roatan is mountainous and very green. Unlike Jamaica, however, Roatan is not overly developed. Very few houses dotted the lush vegetation climbing the hills. Most of the buildings seemed to be concentrated along the coast line. It was interesting to see that the houses near the beaches weren’t the typical multimillion dollar mansions I’d seen on other islands that only professional basketball players and mid-level politicians could afford. The houses near the beaches in Roatan appeared to be just regular houses – houses the locals might actually live in. I was also amazed at the stillness of the water near the pier. If I didn’t know we were in the Caribbean Sea, I could have been convinced we were sitting in a small, protected pond with no waves to disturb the morning. Of course, we were on a boat with five-thousand people so it would have to be a really big pond.

We walked along the pier until we found our guide for the day, Rony of Rony’s Independent Tours. Rony was younger and spoke much better English than I expected. Rony led us to his van and off we went. As we drove, Rony commented on many of the sights and answered all of our numerous questions about Roatan and life on the island. He also told us the story of Speedy.

There are many wild iguanas on Roatan and some of the locals grow up hunting and eating them. Rony explained that if you grow up eating iguana, after a while it becomes like an addiction. You must have iguana every so often or you really start craving it. Usually, when Rony gets a craving for iguana, he takes his hunting dog out and they catch one for dinner. A few years ago, however, Roatan experienced heavy rains and Rony couldn’t get out to go hunting. It just so happened that Rony was house-sitting for a friend, George, – a friend that grew up in Canada – who had a pet iguana named Speedy. Rony said that as his craving got stronger, he kept thinking about Speedy just sitting there in his cage. The rain kept pouring and Rony’s craving kept getting growing. He knew that George would be really mad if he ate Speedy so he tried to resist. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore and turned Speedy into stew. George was not happy about this development, to say the least, and Rony did feel really bad. He replaced Speedy with a new iguana and George eventually forgave him. I don’t think Rony gets to house sit for George anymore, though.

As we drove along roads lined by lush vegetation, I would catch glimpses of the sea through openings in the palm trees. I cannot adequately describe how beautiful Roatan was. Everywhere you turned a flower or a tree or a stretch of beach looked like something you would see on a calendar. We’ve been to quite a few islands now and Roatan ranks right at the top as far as natural, unspoiled beauty goes.

We arrived at the ranch and Rony introduced us to the ranch owner, Sharky. Sharky sized us up and picked out horses for each of us. Daphne rode a horse named Black Boy. The Tiki Gal was on Skip. Dale rode Snowflake and I got a horse named Tangerine. I grew a little nervous because of all the horses, Tangerine was the only one that had to be held while Sharky worked on my saddle. Also, Rony looked more nervous than I felt when Sharky asked him to hold on to Tangerine. I was already wondering which side would be the best to dive off of when Tangerine decided to see if the gringo could fly.

Snowflake and Skip

I’m happy to say that my fears were completely unwarranted. We rode along the road to the West End beach and then down another road to the coast. Sharky showed us the dead coral that protects the island from the waves. He said the coral wasn’t pretty but it kept Roatan from eroding into the sea. Sharky also showed us many plants and told us how they could be used for medicine and in at least one case, to make explosives. We then rode right down the beach to a rocky outcropping where we stopped to rest and to take pictures.

Sharky said that when he was a boy, he could walk out into the ocean and choose any size lobster he wanted to take home for dinner. Now, the lobsters are gone. He also showed us a big area of beach front property that is owned by an old lady. He said that when she dies, her son would sell the land so he could have a better car and someone would likely build a resort or a bar. Sharky was sad to see the changes that were happening to his island. His stories made me think much differently about the places we’ve visited. I love visiting these beautiful islands but I hate what the tourism industry is doing to them at the same time. Roatan is still relatively unspoiled but it is just a matter of time before Sharky won’t be able to ride his horses along the beach anymore… all because some kid wants a better car and the tourists will pay to give him one. The worst part is I can’t blame anyone. The locals want a better life and there aren’t many employment options on the islands. The tourists want to experience something that they can’t at home and they do provide income to the locals. As always, the land pays the price. Where’s the Lorax when you need him?

Sharky

Next, we went to see the monkeys and I’m happy to report that I survived the experience. However, if you travel to Roatan, I can’t recommend the monkey exhibit. It consists of a few pens with monkeys, parrots, and other birds and animals. You pay a “guide” who walks you around the backyard sized area and takes you inside a few of the pens. The monkeys are all too happy to jump on your back and walk around on your shoulders. They are also happy to reach in your pockets and unzip your zippers. Rony had warned us that the monkeys were trained to pick your pockets but I didn’t really believe him at the time. I certainly do now.

Our next stop was at an iguana farm. We told Rony he had to behave himself because we didn’t want to get kicked out because he got hungry. He agreed and we soon found ourselves surrounded by hundreds of iguanas. We fed the iguanas trumpet flower leaves and, at least in my case, a hunk out of a finger. You have to keep an eye on those iguanas because they will sneak up from behind you while you are taking pictures of their buddies and chomp down on any appendage they can reach. I blame the whole thing on Rony because the iguana was just following the law of the jungle. Eat or be eaten.

We had lunch at the Half Moon Bay resort and then went snorkeling right off the beach. We were surprised to find beautiful coral formations and a bunch of tropical fish within a few yards of the beach. Snorkeling in Roatan was as good as anywhere we’ve been. Poor Dale was bitten on the knee by a rare coral-gator, however, and will forever have the scar to show for it.

After snorkeling, Rony completed our tour of the island and dropped us back at the pier. He had spent the whole day driving us around, holding an agitated horse, telling us stories about his life on the island, resisting the temptations at the iguana farm and making sure our day was as wonderful as he could make it. For all of that, he only charged us $25 per person. If you ever find yourself on Roatan, I can’t recommend Rony’s Independent Tours highly enough. We will definitely be using Rony again in the future.

Our visit to Roatan couldn’t have been more different than I expected. We had a great day full of new experiences and beautiful scenery and we were all sad to be stepping back onto the Voyager. We hurried up onto the pool deck so we could wave goodbye to our new favorite island as the ship pulled away from the pier. The sun was setting over the mountains, the weather was warm, and we had experienced it all with our wonderful friends.

The Secret

The first two days of our cruise were… educational. We learned things about ourselves and about our fellow cruisers. We learned that we aren’t tough enough to win at music trivia. We learned that you can put anything at all on a lanyard and wear it around your neck. We learned that we take the party wherever we go. We learned that the Tiki Gal has a convincing British accent. And most importantly, we learned a secret that has been hidden from us by our Caribbean neighbors… the secret of the turtle.

As Dale, Daphne, the Tiki Gal and I boarded the Voyager of the Seas we noticed something quite different about our fellow cruisers. They were old. Really old. “Who left the door to the nursing home open?” old. We’d only been on summertime cruises before and, apparently, summertime is when people under the age of 85 cruise. On this cruise we would be bringing the average age down by about 30 years. A bonus of this was that we got to check out all the new walker models so we’ll know what brand to choose in the future.

The Voyager of the Seas

Once on board, we set about having a good time. The Voyager of the Seas was once the largest cruise ship in the world so we wandered around a bit to get our bearings. It is amazing to think that you can walk down the middle of a street with shops on both sides and be on a boat. Once we knew where everything was, we went up on deck to watch the ship sail out of port. Unfortunately, it was still winter in Galveston so it was a wee bit chilly to be standing in the open air for long. We spotted the pool bar right away and were lucky enough to find one of the most important elements of a cruise on our first day: the entertaining bartender. His name was Dosrell but, according to Dale, he liked to be called Dorgsell. Dorgsell made the girls rum punches and made big boy margaritas for Dale and me. We knew immediately that Dorgsell was our guy because he made excellent drinks and he was really friendly. Also, anyone who keeps pouring rum in the Tiki Gal’s drink whenever it starts to get low is a man after my own heart.

The "street" in the middle of the Voyager

We were at sea those first two days so we got to know quite a few of our fellow cruisers. At breakfast on Monday morning, we met a couple whose daughter, Dee Dee, worked on the rock wall on the ship. Dee Dee’s mom told us a story about the time she and Dee Dee and her other daughter went on safari in Kenya and a wildebeest trumpeted right outside their tent and scared them to death. She then told us about waiting for an hour and a half to watch lions mate and when they finally did, it took about 10 seconds and then it was over. I have to admit, this story secretly made me happy. After the safari, they climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.

We had no idea at the time but Daphne has quite a mischievous streak. She thought it would be funny to go up to the rock wall and mess with Dee Dee, so we did. As we walked up to the desk to check out our climbing gear, Daphne asked Dee Dee if she remembered us from the safari in Kenya. Dee Dee was trying to be polite but was definitely looking puzzled. Then Daphne asked if Dee Dee remembered when that wildebeest trumpeted outside the tents and scared everyone. Dee Dee was definitely looking uncomfortable now but she was still trying to smile. Dee Dee finally caught on when Daphne started talking about climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Dee Dee said “Have you been talking to my mother?” We all had a good laugh at that. Even though Dee Dee seemed to be a good sport about it, I’m glad she wasn’t holding my rope while I climbed the rock wall.

We also met some of our fellow cruisers at a Latin dance class. Dale and I were pleasantly surprised to learn we are not the worst dancers in the world, no matter what Daphne and the Tiki Gal think. During the dance class, I was demonstrating a dance that we saw a deranged man do at a benefit concert and the girls were taking pictures. Afterwards, a lady said we looked like we were having fun and the Tiki Gal said “we take the party wherever we go.” That statement was never truer than on this cruise.

We met a man who was extremely happy and extremely drunk. We heard him coming down a hallway singing “Got Patron in my cup! Got Patron in my cup!” He told us that he had just won $3000 playing craps. We also saw a young guy in a plaid shirt who was clearly conflicted. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to be one of the girls or one of the guys. From our standpoint, he was obviously one of the girls. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Not all of our encounters with our fellow cruisers were quite so enjoyable, however. We ate breakfast with a couple of Silver Serenaders who nearly started a riot over some missing granola. We played music trivia with a few people that obviously don’t take the party wherever they go. The Tiki Gal nearly started a shopping frenzy when she announced in a convincing British accent “Everything on this table is $9.99.” And worst of all, on formal night Dale and I saw some things we’ll never be able to unsee.

We had just taken pictures in our fancy clothes and were waiting outside the dining room for our seating to start. As we were waiting, minding our own business, an older lady walked by in a dress that can best be described as, um, well… see through. This wouldn’t have been so bad if she had been wearing a slip. Or underwear. As she walked away, Daphne said “Well, that was some vintage crack.” I was fortunate to only see her from behind. Poor Dale got the full frontal view as well. He started to sweat and tears were pouring uncontrollably from his eyes. We rushed him into the dining room and quickly ordered some wine. After two bottles, we finally got him back into shape and had a nice dinner. After dessert, we were headed back to our cabins to change clothes. Just as we rounded the corner and started up the stairs, Dale and I came face to breast with another horror show – a tramp stamp right on the side of a mostly exposed trailer-trash boob. I’m sure this lady thought she was looking hot but she couldn’t have been more wrong. She looked like she had a couple of half-deflated balloons in her dress. Dale and I needed another bottle of wine to flush out our eyes. Sadly, this was just the beginning of the stranger nudity we would be exposed to on our trip. All you guys don’t get excited out there, however. If I’ve learned one thing in all my years, it is that any stranger nudity you are likely to be exposed to is not stranger nudity you would choose to look at for any reason. Just shoot me now.

The most important thing we learned during our first two days started out innocently enough. We were sitting at the pool bar with Dorgsell when he asked what we were going to do on Roatan. We told him we were going to see the iguanas and he told us that they taste like chicken. We didn’t believe him, of course, so he called over Oldemar, a bartender from Costa Rica, who agreed that iguana tastes like chicken. We started talking about the strange things they eat in the Caribbean when Oldemar looked around like he was making sure no one was listening, and told us The Secret. He told us that in the Caribbean, to get ready for the honeymoon, a man will cook up a male turtle’s manly part, dry it out, scrape it into some wine or rum and drink it down. He said it makes a man strong in bed - really strong in bed. Poor Dorgsell was blushing fourteen shades of red at this point and trying to hide in the farthest corner of the bar. Daphne and the Tiki Gal were really interested in The Secret, however, and kept asking questions. Oldemar called over another guy from the Caribbean and asked him to tell them about the turtle. That poor guy couldn’t get away fast enough. He practically jumped overboard so he wouldn’t have to talk about the turtle.

As you might imagine, the turtle became the guiding force of the remainder of the cruise for us. Our stateroom attendant, Stanley, was from Roatan so we asked him where we could find turtles while we were on the island. He turned fourteen shades of red just like Dorgsell and then got really serious. “You don’t want to be messin’ wit’ the turtle, now,” he told us. “Promise me you’ll stay away from the turtle.” Wow. This guy who didn’t know us at all seemed really concerned about our welfare if we went chasing the turtle. There must be something to this turtle thing. Something powerful. Something mysterious.

My question is: why did Oldemar pick us out of all the people on the cruise to tell The Secret? Do Dale and I look like we need help? Do Daphne and the Tiki Gal look like we need help? Of course, after seeing the vintage crack and the trailer-trash boob, we might actually need help. Bring on the turtle.

Lost at Sea

On Saturday, February 6 at approximately 11 a.m. we finally set out for our long awaited Caribbean cruise. Little did we know, at that inauspicious beginning, that our trip would be so full of laughter, tragedy, redemption, love lost and love found, forbidden tropical secrets, small animal attacks, numerous rogue waves, new friends, surly old curmudgeons, and copious amounts of nudity (not our own, by the way.) There is so much to tell that I really don’t know where to start. In these cases, I always find it best to begin at the beginning.

Dale and Carol picked the Tiki Gal and me up at the Tiki Hut and we started out on our nine hour drive to Houston using Dale and Carol’s new GPS for directions. The voice we chose for the GPS was named Samantha so Dale and I affectionately called her Sam. The girls also called her Sam but not so affectionately, especially after the “Sulphur Springs Incident.”

Every time we go on a road trip, the Tiki Gal takes a tattered old road atlas because she likes to be in control, er, uh… (was that my out-loud voice?)… likes to be prepared for emergencies. Anyway, we had been driving for some time and finally left Oklahoma and entered Texas. We were all surprised that we were in Texas because we hadn’t passed through the towns we usually pass through on our way to Dallas. The Tiki Gal whipped out her atlas and discovered that Sam had set a route for us that was quite a bit different than the one we usually take. Instead of going to Dallas and heading down I-45 to Houston, we would be taking small highways through every small town in central Texas. This revelation led to some intense criticism of Sam’s navigational abilities from the back seat where the girls were lounging. Of course, Dale and I ignored this criticism, patted Sam on the back, and continued on our merry way.

We were starting to get hungry when we got to Sulphur Springs, Texas so Carol found a promising restaurant that served burgers on her iPhone and I programmed the location into Sam. Sam picked the route and began telling us to turn right onto roads that did not exist. As we passed these “roads” that looked a whole lot like cow pastures, Sam would recalculate the route and choose another road that wasn’t there. Obviously, I had done something wrong when programming the address into poor Sam but the girls took extreme delight in pointing out Sam’s deficiencies. Finally, Sam told us to turn right onto County Road 1067 and, thankfully, CR 1067 appeared on our right. Dale made the turn onto a tiny road that might have been built originally for horses and wagons. We followed this road around a curve, past a house that might have been guarded by shotgun wielding moonshiners, and onto an even tinier road that was not paved. Actually, calling this new track a road is quite an exaggeration. It was more like a trail. We promptly turned around and went back the way we came. It might have been our imagination, but we were almost sure we heard dueling banjos playing in the distance.

I reprogrammed Sam and she seemed to find her bearings. She directed us into the middle of Sulphur Springs, through a business district, and told us our destination was on the right. Unfortunately, the restaurant we were looking for was not at the destination Sam had chosen. I have to admit the glee that issued from the back seat was a little sickening. You should never kick a GPS unit when she is down.

We turned around again and stopped at Bodacious Barbecue (which also wasn’t where Sam said it was.) We left Sam in the car to collect herself and had wonderful pork sandwiches for lunch.

Afterwards, Sam found her bearings and we had a mostly uneventful drive through small town, Texas. At one point, we were talking about life in general and Carol stated that she was “living from vacation to vacation.” I thought this was an accurate way to describe our lives.

Late in the afternoon, the sun finally peeked out from behind the clouds. We didn’t know it at the time, but this was a sign of the good times to come. Unfortunately, Dale’s sunglasses had been broken a few weeks earlier in a freak seismic event so he was forced to wear a pair of Carol’s. As you can see in the picture below, he totally made it work. Sam, looking a little chagrined, is also in the picture.

Dale and Sam

I’ve written before about my Charlie Brown tendencies that tend to kick into overdrive on vacations and this trip was no different, as you will see. My bad luck tends to also spill over onto others so Carol has forbidden me from entering convenience stores with her if she plans to buy lottery tickets. We stopped for gas somewhere in Texas so Carol and the Tiki Gal sprinted inside while Dale and I stood in the freezing cold and pumped gas. While we were pumping gas, the girls discovered that they had to buy their scratch-off lottery tickets from a vending machine. The Tiki Gal bought hers without incident. As Carol started to buy hers, Dale and I finished up with the gas and walked into the store. At the exact minute I stepped inside the doorway, the lottery ticket vending machine had a malfunction and ate Carol’s money. This is the power I have.

We drove through Houston to the Clear Lake area and went to dinner at our favorite, pre-cruise restaurant, The Italian Café. The Italian Café doesn’t serve alcohol but they do let you bring your own so we went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of wine. The food was good as usual.

After dinner, we went to the Kemah Boardwalk – also a tradition. It was around 9 p.m. when we arrived and we were surprised to find that everything was shutting down. Dale and I were particularly disappointed that Landry’s was closed because we were hoping to find Fat Tire on tap. Instead, we rode a roller coaster on the boardwalk and had margaritas at the Cadillac Bar.

The next day is a day that will be forever in our memories. It is the day the Tiki Gal and I lost a dear friend and Dale lost his wife. Yes, it is true. Carol is gone.

The day started out well. While the Tiki Gal and Carol were getting dressed, Dale and I went to Target for last minute essentials like sunglasses and hand soap. We then picked up coffee and kolaches for breakfast. When we got back to the hotel, the girls were ready so we ate, packed up, and left for Galveston.

In Galveston, we stopped for lunch at our favorite pre-cruise lunch spot, The Fisherman’s Wharf and this is where tragedy struck. Our waiter was named C.J. and recommended the drink of the day. He then mentioned that it came in a souvenir cup. We can’t pass up a souvenir cup so we all ordered one. As C.J. was delivering our drinks, it happened.

The site of the incident

The souvenir cup

A Cat Five Hurricane hit The Fisherman’s Wharf and, I’m sad to say, Carol was swept out to sea. We tried to save her but it is hard to swim when you have a souvenir cup in one hand and fried onion strings and jalapenos in the other. The last we saw of her, she was going down for the third time and I think she muttered, “I always hated the name Carol anyway…”

We had a moment of silence right there at the table. Poor Dale was heartbroken. He held his head in his hands for a few minutes so the Tiki Gal and I left him to his grief. Also, the food had arrived so we were busy eating. When Dale looked up, a single tear rolled down his cheek. Just then, however, his eyes began to sparkle as something caught his attention behind me. I turned in time to see a young lady saunter into the restaurant. Dale stood up and their eyes met. I could tell it was love at first sight. Dale asked her to join us so she sat down. Her name was Daphne and she was in town because she had heard Peter Mayer might be playing his red guitar at a club in Houston. Peter hadn’t shown so she drove to Galveston to sit and look at the brown, murky water of the gulf while she contemplated what to do with her life. Dale mentioned that he now had an extra ticket for a romantic, seven day Caribbean cruise and invited Daphne to join him. She said yes, of course, and the rest is history. While we will always miss Carol, Daphne has turned out to be eerily similar in so many ways. The most important thing is that Dale is happy, although he mentioned later on in the cruise that the donut suit didn’t work on Daphne either. Oh well, you can’t have everything.

This blog entry is dedicated to the memory of Carol. Wherever she is, may the rum always flow and the Barry Manilow tunes never stop.

We will always remember you, Carol.