Carol's First Beer Run

We had a big evening on Friday - Carol's first ever beer run. We were eating dinner at the Tiki Hut and started talking about the internet discussions about the best liquor stores for beer in the Tulsa area. We decided we would make a quick run to the Atlas Liquor Store because it was one of the best in the ratings and because it was the closest.

On the way there, Carol realized that this was her first beer run in her entire life. We were all very proud to share this momentous occasion with her... and since I was along, it was sure to be exciting.

When we pulled up to Atlas, I was less than impressed. It looked a little seedy to me. When we got inside, my initial impression was proven to be accurate. There were a few beers in stock that Dale and I thought were interesting but overall, the selections at our local liquor stores are just as good.

We took our purchases to the counter and waited while a man finished up paying. Dale was next in line. He put his beer on the counter and the cashier noticed one six-pack was extremely dusty so she pulled out a feather duster and dusted Dale's beer. As she was doing this, the man who had just paid and left set off his car alarm just outside the door. We all laughed - who hasn't set their alarm off - and went back to what we were doing. While Dale was paying, the man was frantically trying to stop his alarm. While I paid, the alarm was still going - very loudly - and someone had come to help the poor guy. They now had the hood open, as well as the trunk, but the alarm was still alive and well and screaming for all to hear. When I finished paying and we walked outside, the alarm finally went off. As soon as the guy opened his door to get in, however, the alarm started again. It was still going when we left, and for all I know, it is still going off right now.

Once we got back to the Tiki Hut, I mixed some Squeezy Squeezys for the girls and while Dale and I waited on our new purchases to get cold, we had an old favorite.

New Belgium Fat Tire

Color: Amber

Skunkiness: 0 skunks.

Taste: Malty, spicy and crisp with a hint of chocolate. 

Comments: This is, of course, one of our favorites and one of our highest rated beers. Even slightly expired, Fat Tire is wonderful.

Rating: 4.5 pints out of 5.

Next, we just had to try the beer the lady dusted for us next. Also, I have to confess that karma is a cruel mistress. I had some fun with the Tiki Gal in the Don't Fear the Ripper entry because of the head on my Dunkel (that sounds a little naughty.) In retribution, karma caused me to pour my Fuller's much too quickly and I ended up with a six inch tall head on top of the beer. The Tiki Gal, of course, was sure to point out my lack of pouring skills - several times. Especially since she poured Dale's beer perfectly. I guess I'm the Beer Wench in Training now.

Fuller's London Porter

Color: Black

Skunkiness. 0 skunks but it smells like chocolate.

Taste: Strong chocolate and coffee flavors. Also a little smoky.

Comments: I thought this beer tasted like those Brach's coffee candies I used to get as a kid. We decided we should be able to order Fuller's at Starbucks. "I'll have a grande Cafe Mocha beer, please." Also, if you pour it too fast, it will foam impressively.

Carol Rating: 5 on a scale of 1 or 5. The Tiki Gal gave it a 0 because she doesn't like coffee.

Rating: 4 pints out of 5.

We also played cards. Dale won at Cutthroat and the guys and girls split two games of Pitch.

The Beer Primer

In order to raise the educational content of the Tiki Bar Blog, I decided to find out what I could learn about beer on Wikipedia and report it here. Prepare to be blown away by the depth of knowledge you can gain by almost twenty minutes of research on the internet.

There are two main types of beer: ales and lagers. Ales and lagers are both brewed using malted barley and yeast. Malted barley is barley that has been soaked in water until it germinates. Once the barley has germinated, the process is stopped by drying the grain with hot air. Ales and lagers differ in the types of yeast used for the brewing process, however. Ales are brewed with top-fermenting yeast. This type of yeast causes foam to form at the top of the liquid during fermentation. This foam causes the beer to ferment quickly and gives the ale a sweet, fruity, full-bodied taste. Lagers are brewed using bottom-fermenting yeast. These yeasts ferment at the bottom of the liquid releasing more sugars than the top-fermenting yeasts and produce a crisper taste.

Ales usually contain hops which impart a bitter, herbal flavor to balance the sweetness of the malt. Hops are actually the flower cones of the hop plant. Interestingly enough, hops belong to the same family as Cannabis. Make of that what you will. Anyway, ales are fermented at higher temperatures than lagers and may be served soon after the brewing process is finished.

Lagers may also contain hops or other grains. Unlike ales, lagers are aged, or lagered (hence, the name), for weeks to months before being served. When lagers were first produced in the middle ages, traditional ale brewers and even the Catholic church opposed this new brewing method.

There are many varieties of ales. Some of the more common varieties are amber ale, American pale ale, brown ale, India pale ale, pale ale, porter, and stout. An excellent amber ale, as reported here frequently, is New Belgium Fat Tire. Brown ales achieve their coloration because of the use of brown malt and often have caramel and chocolate flavors. Newcastle Brown Ale is a good choice. India Pale Ales originated in Britain. In order to survive the lengthy ship voyage to India, the ales were given a high hop content to aid in preservation.

In 19th century London, porters were a popular mixture of brown ale, pale ale and well matured ale (in other words, old beer - those sly British brewers.)  Today, porters are a mixture of brown and pale ales. Stouts were originally just porters with the highest alcohol content. Today, stouts are brewed with roasted barley while porters are not. Guiness is a well known stout.

There are also many varieties of lagers including bocks, double bocks (Doppelbock in the original German), dunkels, Oud Bruin (Old Brown), and pilsners. 

Bocks are strong lagers first brewed in Germany in the 14th century for special occasions and holidays. Monks brewed bocks for their nutritional content to be consumed during the fast at Lent. Double bocks have even higher alcohol content than bocks and were called "liquid bread" by the monks. Some of my favorite beers are double bocks including Spaten Optimator, Paulaner Salvator and Ayinger Celebrator. The -ator ending on the names of most double bocks is an homage to traditional Belgian brewers.

Pilsners are a pale lager developed in the 19th century in Pilsen, Bohemia. Pilsners were the first "golden" beer in the world and have a distinct hop flavor and aroma (skunkiness.) Some examples of pilsners are Pilsner Urquell, Beck's, Heineken, Amstel and Stella Artois. Carol and the Tiki Gal are not fans of pilsners.

I hope you learned something from my difficult and strenuous journey through the overlfowing halls of knowledge that is Wikipedia. I know I did... I learned that I'm thirsty. Doppelbocks all around.

Don't Fear the Ripper

This past weekend was as good as I could hope for considering there was no swim up bar involved. The Tiki Gal and I met up with two of my best friends from high school for lunch on Saturday afternoon. I hadn't seen either of them in a long time and it was nice to catch up. We discovered that we are all doing well and considering some of the things we got into back in the olden days, that is saying something. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but we actually were able to get back in touch due to FaceBook. All this time, I've thought that FaceBook was the devil and now it is responsible for something good happening to me. Of course, I still have to see the "I'm going to bed now..." and "I don't feel well..." status messages from some of my so-called friends. I'm convinced that these inane messages suck out a little bit of my soul each time I see them so I'm still a little leery.

The Tiki Gal and I also went to Dale's and Carol's for drinks and cards. One evening a few weeks ago as we were discussing all the flavors of rum you can find now, Carol and the Tiki Gal decided we needed to invent some drinks using raspberry rum. After a little experimentation and only one true disaster - no matter what you add to raspberry rum and Sweet and Sour, you end up with something that tastes like a Sourpatch Kid soaked in pickle juice - the Tiki Gal and I each created a decent drink. The Tiki Gal called hers the Razzmatazz.

Razzmatazz

Color: Light orange

Ingredients: 2.5 oz. orange juice, 2.5 oz. pineapple juice, 1.5 oz. mango rum, 1.5 oz. raspberry rum.

Instructions: Shake well and serve over ice in a hurricane glass.

Taste: The mango and raspberry combine to form a slightly tart, refreshing drink.

Comments: The Tiki Gal is pretty amazing. She rattled off the ingredients for the Razzmatazz before we'd made it out of the door at the liquor store with the raspberry rum.

My first attempt was the spectacular failure involving the Sweet and Sour. My second attempt was much better.

Squeezy Squeezy

Color: Pink

Ingredients: 2 oz. cranberry juice, 2 oz. pineapple juice, 2 oz. raspberry rum, Sprite or 7-Up.

Instructions: Shake the juices and rum well and pour over ice into a hurricane glass. Top off with the Sprite or 7-Up.

Taste: Light, sweet and fizzy.

Comments: Leave out the rum and use 3 oz. of each juice to make a fun drink for your kids.

Of course, Dale and I had some beer.

New Belgium Mighty Arrow Pale Ale

Color: Golden. Carol said it was the prettiest beer she's seen.

Skunkiness: 0 skunks but the girls liked the smell. Carol hopes to find a Mighty Arrow scented candle.

Taste: Dry, sweet and fruity with a delicate hoppiness.

Comments: Mighty Arrow is not in the same class as Fat Tire but it was interesting.

Carol Rating: 1 on a scale of 1 or 5. She thought it was bitter.

Rating: 3.5 pints out of 5.

Dunkel Belgian Golden Ale

Color: Light gold and cloudy.

Skunkiness: 0 skunks.

Taste: A little hoppy and yeasty.

Comments: Carol took the Tiki Gal under her wing as a Beer Wench in Training this weekend but she has some work left to do. While Dale's beer had a slight head, mine had a meringue topping that remained even after all the beer was gone.

Carol Rating: 1. She had to eat something to get the taste out of her mouth.

Rating: 3.5 pints.

Sam Adams Double Bock

Color: Dark amber.

Skunkiness: 0 skunks.

Taste: Malty and full bodied. Smooth and creamy.

Comments: The girls thought it was either syrup or beer flavored motor oil. It was a little high on the viscosity scale but it was good.

Carol Rating: 1. The girls are not a fan of high viscosity, apparently.

Rating: 4 pints.

We also played cards. I managed a win in Cutthroat and we split a pair of games of Pitch with the girls.

The Truman Show producers must have given the writers the week off because there were only a few events this weekend that caused me to question my sanity. The Tiki Gal and I had to pick up a few things at Target. We pulled into the parking lot and were looking for a place to park when we spotted a woman that was proving the theory I explained in A Fist Full of Dollars. She was well past the age where a mini-skirt is attractive but she didn't let that stop her. Oh, no. She threw all caution to the wind and added knee high boots and a skimpy top to the outfit. The Tiki Gal and I both thought the same thing: Pretty Woman.

Later on, we were shopping in a different store. It was getting to be later in the evening so there weren't many people around. We noticed an older lady nearby but didn't pay much attention to her. A few seconds later, we hear a resounding rrrrrrpppppppp noise coming from the woman's vicinity. We looked at each other and then looked over at the lady. She was nonchalantly browsing through the merchandise as if she hadn't just gassed the whole place. The Tiki Gal and I had to get away quickly before we busted out laughing. We dubbed her the Ripper. I hope she made a lot of money for that scene. 

The Surreal Life

This past weekend further solidified my belief that my life is being conducted solely for the entertainment of a viewing audience as I previously described here. The Tiki family was subjected to a whole host of weirdness but first we had a normal evening with Dale and Carol.

Dale and I had a Warsteiner and a Maredsous 8 that we've previously rated and Carol and the Tiki Gal had Rum Punch. Dale won the continuation of the Oh Hell! game we couldn't finish the previous week and also won Cutthroat. The guys also won at Pitch. It was not a good showing by the girls. Not good at all.

On Sunday, Mother's Day, we drove two hours to visit the Tiki Gal's mother, my mother and my grandmother. During the drive, both sides of the interstate were under construction and were reduced to one lane for a few miles. Even worse, the westbound lanes - the direction we were travelling - were backed up while the eastbound lanes were clear. It took us about thirty minutes to get through the two miles of construction.

Once we made it to my mother's house, we sat down to lunch. We hadn't even filled our plates yet when we hear a lady's voice behind us saying, "Please press the memo button to begin the setup process." We all looked at each other and then turned to look for the voice. Apparently, my mom's telephone with built-in answering machine had chosen that exact minute to die a painful and annoying death. Not knowing this, I tried to push the right combination of buttons to get the lady to quit telling us to press the memo button. No such luck. The lady kept talking so I sat back down. Throughout lunch, every few minutes the lady would ask us to push the memo button. At first it was funny. Then it turned annoying. By the time we had eaten, I was ready to try for the world record in phone tossing.

Once I was nourished, I thought I might have better luck with the phone so I unplugged it and plugged it back in. This little trick always works with my wireless internet equipment but it apparently does not work on telephones. The lady continued to ask me to push her button and, as an added bonus, the phone's display was now filled up with gibberish. At this point, my mom asked me what I had done to her phone. I could only chuckle at the brilliance of the Truman Show writer who came up with this little plot device. I'm sure he - or she - was expecting me to rip the phone from the wall and stuff it in some unsightly place but I'm not going to play that game. I don't want to end up on Celebrity Apprentice or the Surreal Life or - God forbid - Dr. Phil after this gig ends. I calmly continued to poke and prod at the phone until the display was back to normal. That lady kept asking for me to push her memo button, however, and I soon developed a small facial tic each time she said it. Also, the phone didn't have a dial tone as my mom pointed out to me a few times. I'm just glad I remembered my flask.

We then went to my grandmother's house where my faith in my hometown was severely shaken. I'm from a tiny town in central Oklahoma and, growing up, always enjoyed the quiet and calm of small town living. Things have changed in my home town, however. My grandmother told me that a few days ago, a woman and her husband had allegedly been abusing pain medication. When the husband's prescription ran out, the woman was allegedly unhappy and allegedly stabbed him several times with a knife. She then allegedly ran naked down main street, allegedly breaking into houses searching for drugs. She allegedly managed to make it about a mile before she was allegedly arrested. I don't mean to make light of this situation because the husband was seriously injured but things like this never happened when I lived there. Also, my grandmother heard that a man had allegedly accidentally shot himself in the face. In a town of less than one thousand people, the odds of these two things happening within days of each other have to be pretty long.

After visiting the Tiki Gal's mom, we stopped at a Sonic to get drinks for the drive home. When the car hop delivered our order, she noticed a Tulsa Zoo decal on the window of our car. The ensuing conversation went a little like this:

Car hop: "You must work at the zoo."

Me: "No. I don't work at the zoo."

Car hop looking perplexed: "I noticed your zoo sticker and thought you must need that for employee parking at the zoo."

Me: "We need that sticker to get into the park surrounding the Tulsa Zoo without having to pay."

Car hop looking really perplexed: "Oh. I thought you worked at the zoo."

These are the people that I meet. You can't tell me that conversation wasn't scripted.

Finally, we got back on the interstate and found the eastbound construction area. The traffic was backed up for at least ten miles so it took us an hour to get through the construction. The westbound lanes were not backed up at all. It can't be a coincidence, can it?

The Great Skunk Off

On Friday night, we had plans to go to Dale's and Carol's for cards. While I was packing the portable Tiki Bar, Dale called and asked if we would bring our small Schlitz glasses (a gift from Dale, by the way.) I was immediately intrigued because Dale had never requested that we bring Schlitz glasses before and I couldn't imagine why he would need them. As a matter of fact, the last time we used the Schlitz glasses was for shots of Jaegermeister in celebration of the end of a particularly frustrating week at work. I was hoping Dale wasn't in need of Jaegermeister shots - for a variety of reasons - but if shots were required, I was willing because that's what friends do. (Besides, Jaegermeister has grown on me in a sort of fungal way.)

Upon arrival at Dale's and Carol's, I was happy to learn that instead of Jaegermeister we would be having the first Great Skunk Off in Tiki Bar history. Dale had collected a full lineup of skunky beers for our sniffing and drinking pleasure. I think the girls were just as excited about the Great Skunk Off as Dale and I were because they would finally get to snarl their noses at smelly beer. Since Dale had seven different beers in the Skunk Off, he had wisely decided to get just one beer of each kind. He needed the Schlitz glasses so that he could split the beers into small glasses giving each of us roughly half (minus what the girls sipped away) of each one. Perhaps surprisingly, considering the contents of this blog, we aren't big drinkers. We enjoy alcoholic beverages at times but we rarely drink more than two or three drinks in an evening. We do make exceptions at swim up bars, however.

With the flight of skunky beers sitting between the Tiki Gal and Dale at the table, we began the Great Skunk Off. The results follow and, as always, the girls determined the skunkiness of each beer.

Warsteiner Pilsner

Color: Golden amber.

Skunkiness: 1 skunk.

Taste: Hoppy and bitter but smooth, particularly for a German beer.

Comments: We've had Warsteiner Pilsner before but had never officially rated it. Now we have.

Carol Rating: Carol abstained from rating this beer because she found it more offensive than her 1 or 5 rating system could accurately describe. She found it so disgusting that Dale made her take a second sip so that he take a picture of the face she made. The Great Skunk Off was starting with a bang.

Rating: 4 pints.

Bitburger Premium Beer

Color: Light gold.

Skunkiness: 1 skunk.

Taste: Less hoppy than the Warsteiner and thin - almost watery.

Comments: We found this beer very fizzy but there wasn't much more there. It reminded me of the generic beer I used to get in a plastic cup at clubs while in college.

Carol Rating: Carol said it wasn't offensive.

Rating: 3 pints.

St. Pauli Girl Lager

Color: Golden amber.

Skunkiness: 3 skunks... now the skunks are marching.

Taste: A little sweet. Well balanced and complex.

Comments: This was a full bodied beer that was surprisingly good.

Carol Rating: 5 on a scale of 1 or 5.

Rating: 4 pints.

Heineken

Color: Golden.

Skunkiness: 4 skunks. (At this point, the Tiki Gal was getting a little woozy from sitting so close to the skunky beers.)

Taste: Less hoppy than most of the previous beers. Not distinguished. Tasted like beer.

Comments: Would take it if offered but wouldn't expend too much effort to get it. For instance, I would ride a bus in Grand Cayman for a Heineken but I would not dance with a lunch lady.

Carol Rating: Gross. Carol is not a Heineken fan.

Rating: 3.5 pints.

Beck's Pilsner

Color: Golden amber.

Skunkiness: 5 skunks. Beck's is the official skunkiest beer of the Great Skunk Off. (And the Tiki Gal developed a headache from the skunk fumes.)

Taste: Less complex than some beers but well balanced. Like Heineken but with more body.

Comments: Wow. This beer is really skunky.

Carol Rating: Carol did not enjoy Beck's.

Rating: 3.5 pints.

Heineken Dark

Color: Dark amber.

Skunkiness: 0 skunks but it does smell like sorghum.

Taste: Not only does it smell like sorghum, it tastes like sorghum. It would be good over biscuits.

Comments: Heineken Dark doesn't taste much like beer at all. It is very sweet and malty. Maybe it is a dessert beer?

Carol Rating: Carol likes Heineken Dark. She also has decided she likes being a beer wench. So if she ever needs a fall back career, she has that going for her.

Rating: 3 pints.

Beck's Dark

Color: Dark amber.

Skunkiness: 4 skunks. Beck's never fails to bring the skunk.

Taste: An unremarkable dark beer.

Comments: At this point in the evening, my taste buds had apparently stepped out to get some air because I couldn't think of anything to say about this beer. It was not exciting or original.

Carol Rating: Carol enjoys being a beer wench but she does not enjoy Beck's Dark.

Rating: 3 pints.

The Great Skunk Off was a huge success. We got to see the girls make terrible faces, the Tiki Gal developed skunk poisoning from the fumes, Carol discovered her calling in life, and Dale and I got to drink beer. Beck's Pilsner is the current champion but contenders are already lining up hoping to knock him off his lofty perch. I'll get the Schlitz glasses shined up and ready to go.

We also played cards. Dale won Cutthroat. The girls won at Pitch and Dale was in the lead of an Oh Hell! game that was suspended due to all of us being old and tired.

A Little Piece of Paradise

On a dreary, rainy Friday my thoughts once again turn back to the Jimmy Buffett concert a few weeks ago. There are still a few loose ends to tie up and it is a good excuse to think about something other than the swamp that is my backyard.

I packed up a travelling version of the Tiki Bar to take with us to Dallas. We had never done this before and it worked out even better than I had hoped. On Friday evening after dinner, we went back to our room and mixed drinks for everyone. Carol chose one of her favorites, the Curious George. The Tiki Gal chose one of her favorites, the Coco Cabana. And Dale and I chose the highly underrated Rum Punch. (It is hard to believe that I've never posted the recipes for the Coco Cabana or Rum Punch. I'll remedy that situation shortly.) We were staying in the Legacy Town Center area in Plano so, drinks in hand, we walked around the area picking shops we would like to visit the next day. During our walk, we discovered a walkway between buildings that was lined with two rows of palm trees. A bench just big enough for four sat under the palm trees and pulled at us like Twitter to politicians. We sat under the palm trees and stars and finished our drinks and laughed and joked and had a tumultuous time proving once again that you can find little pieces of paradise in the unlikeliest of places.

We also mixed drinks before the concert on Saturday evening. We had margaritas that were immeasurably better than the lime kool-aid and tequila mixture that masquerades as a margarita served at the concert. We only had one each, however, because we wanted to remember the concert afterwards. I can only imagine what might have happened with the dirty dancing lunch lady if I'd had three or four margaritas beforehand. It certainly would have been ugly but on the other hand, I could have been a You Tube star. I'm surprised my Truman Show producers didn't think of this, actually. My ratings could have blown American Idol out of the water.

Rum Punch

Color: Red

Ingredients: 3 oz. orange juice, 3 oz. pineapple juice, 1 oz. Myer's Dark Rum, 1 oz. coconut rum, 1 healthy dash of Grenadine

Instructions: Shake well and serve over ice in a hurricane glass (or a plastic cup... or a canteen... does it really matter?)

Taste: Sweet and smooth.

Comments: Almost everyone likes Rum Punch so it is a good choice for gatherings. If someone shows who doesn't like Rum Punch, you probably don't want them around anyway.

Coco Cabana

Color: Red

Ingredients: 3 oz. orange juice, 3 oz. cranberry juice, 1 oz. coconut rum, 1 oz. Amaretto

Instructions: Shake well and serve over ice.

Taste: Delicate coconut and fruit flavors.

Comments: The Tiki Gal had a similar drink in San Antonio last summer and really liked it so we created our own version.

For dinner Friday evening, we went to the Taco Diner in the Legacy Town Center. As the name suggests, the restaurant is a diner that serves tacos as well as other Mexican dishes. The food is very good and the salsas and queso are excellent. If you are ever in the area, it is highly recommended. Oh, and the margaritas are really good, too. I was finishing my first before everyone else at the table had taken two sips of theirs. As I think I've mentioned before, I'm fond of margaritas.

Before the concert, we walked around in one of the Parrothead camping areas that I've decided should be called Parrothead Bay. We saw a guy driving a motorized ice chest, a bunch of drunk people in golf carts, a kiddie pool filled with ice and beer, some guys on a stage singing bad karaoke, and many Parrotheads having a good time. In fact, it looked like so much fun that we've discussed renting an RV some year and joining in the festivities. If that ever happens, I'll probably need a year's worth of blog entries to document it all. Especially if my patented crazy life flares up in the middle of the Parrothead Bay. I don't think you can discount any event from occurring in that environment. From being kidnapped by female pirates to drowning in a horrible RV sewage accident, the range of possibilities is staggering. (I'm hoping to be kidnapped by female pirates, by the way.)