The Good
Alex
Alex was our waiter, our friend, and our adopted son. We looked forward to dinner each evening so that we could spend a few hours with him because of his sense of humor and charm. We learned a little about his family and his home. We also learned about his girlfriend on the ship. Of course Daphne and the Tiki Gal had to track her down to see if they approved and luckily for her - and for Alex - they thought she was a sweet and pretty girl so they gave their blessings.
We had fun teasing Alex about the turtle love potion we had learned about. Each night, we brought him a little turtle that we had picked up on the islands. One of the turtles had a bobbing head like those dogs that used to sit on the dashes of cars. Alex did a wonderful impression of the bobbing head dogs that had us rolling.
He was not sold on the turtle love potion, however. He said that he preferred red wine because “red wine is good for the woman when the man drinks it.”
Alex also enjoyed teasing another waiter about The Curmudgeon. He even made up a song to commemorate the occasion:
Don't you wish your people were good like mine,
I take their dirty dishes and they don't mind.
We've had fun waiters on other cruises but Alex was our favorite. His obvious dedication to making sure we were happy with his service would have made him one of the best waiters on its own but his charm and wit put him over the top.
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| Ravi, Alex and Ananda |
Rayomond, Ananda, Ravi
Rayomond was our head waiter and a funny and charming guy as well. We had fun joking with him about The Curmudgeon and turtle love potions. He sent chocolate covered strawberries to our cabins for the girls so he was their hero from then on.
Ravi was our assistant waiter. He told us that his island, Mauritius, is the size of a poppy seed as he pointed at a small poppy seed on the tablecloth. He also knew about the turtle love potion and was very direct in telling us exactly how it was made. Unfortunately, assistant waiters are always busy so we didn’t get to spend as much time with Ravi as with Alex.
Ananda was the waiter at the table near us and had to wait on The Curmudgeon. We felt really bad for him because we could tell that all of The Curmudgeon's complaining was bothering him. Since we were often the last people out of the dining room, we had a chance to chat with Ananda and found him to be a very nice man.
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| Rayomond |
Rony
Rony took us on a private tour of Roatan and really went above and beyond the call of duty. He held my skittish horse while Sharky worked on the stirrups, he told us about his “difficulties” with Speedy, he told us that Roatan was too small for having two girlfriends, and most importantly he showed us around a beautiful island.
Chad and Amy
Chad and Amy are a young couple from Ohio that we met while watching Superstar Karaoke one night. Actually, the Tiki Gal and Daphne met them. Dale and I were busy stuffing napkins in our ears to drown out a truly horrible rendition of We are the Champions. Based on our recommendation, Chad and Amy joined us at Nachi Cocum in Cozumel. Contrary to our recommendations, Chad did not use the water spacers and may get to visit Cozumel for the first time again in the future.
Zach
Zach is the man. He was our waiter, bike tour guide, marine biologist, and sommelier at Maya Chan. He also coined two of our favorite new phrases: “single file me” and “a Mexican minute.” The following examples will help explain the proper usage of these phrases.
Let’s say you are riding a bicycle with a group of other cyclists and you are at the front of the pack. The rest of the cyclists are spread across the road behind you trying to dodge the meteor-crater sized potholes that make the road look like the surface of the moon. If at any point you see a large vehicle of indeterminate make and model barreling toward your group of cyclists at a high rate of speed, you should yell “Single file me!” as loud as possible. The other cyclists should then pedal like mad toward the side of the road to avoid certain death and dismemberment.
Furthermore, assume that when you yelled “Single file me!” one of the cyclists panicked and fell into one of the deep, dark potholes - bicycle and all. You pedal back and peer carefully over the edge to see if the cyclist survived the fall. You breathe more easily when you determine that the person lying at the bottom of the hole is indeed alive but you pause when that person yells up “How long until the ambulance arrives?” Since you know that help may arrive anytime in the next five minutes to five days, you yell down in your most cheerful voice, “Don’t you worry! Help will be here in a Mexican minute!”
Sharky
If Roatan is ever looking for a new Minister of Tourism, the people could do much worse than to hire Sharky for the job. Sharky’s horse back riding tour is one of my favorite memories from our cruise due to the wonderful things Sharky showed us and his obvious love of the natural beauty of the island. Sharky, if you ever happen across this blog I want you to know that I’m hoping you can wade out into the sea someday soon and once again take your pick of lobsters.
Jay and Joanne
Joanne was a force of nature. I never thought we’d meet someone who could out-talk both the Tiki Gal and Daphne put together. Jay, however, is my hero. When he said, after accepting a second cup of coffee as Joanne was leaving to go shopping, that he didn’t really want more coffee but he certainly wasn’t going shopping with Joanne, a light went off in my head. This guy is the guru of marriage. Dr. Phil only wishes he knew as much about maintaining a happy marriage as Jay.
Jerry Johnson
Jerry Johnson was a man we met at the rear of the ship while he was setting up his HAM radio receiver so that he could listen to broadcasts from the U.S. We were near Belize at the time. Jerry also showed us where we were on his aviation GPS. He had better gadgets than James Bond.
Jose and Mario
Jose and Mario were our bartenders at Nachi Cocum. Their drinks were tasty and they just kept sending them to us. And sending them. And sending them. They even sent us shots that the girls enjoyed. And, best of all, when Dale and I braved the freezing waters of the swim-up bar, Jose and Mario had a shot of Jose Cuervo with us. We were touched because we hadn’t seen them do that with anyone else. Salut!
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| Mario and Jose |
Patron in my cup guy
One afternoon, we were playing cards in a bar and heard a guy walking along singing “I got Patron in my cup, I got Patron in my cup.” He had just won some money at the casino and his joy was contagious. Unfortunately, the Patron in his cup was not.
Dosrell and Oldemar
Dosrell and Oldemar were our favorite bartenders on the ship and Oldemar introduced us to the turtle love potion. They served up good drinks and great times. What more can you ask for?
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| Dosrell and Oldemar |
Abercrombie and Fitch
Abercrombie and Fitch were a couple that we met somewhere on the ship. They were about our age – maybe a little older – but they dressed like the models in an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. We couldn’t keep up with Abercrombie and Fitch but we did enjoy watching them have a good time.
The Bad
The Curmudgeon
The Curmudgeon was an old guy that sat at a table near us at dinner. The first night, we all felt bad for him because he seemed to be alone. The next night, we found out why he was alone. He complained to Rayomond that Ananda had taken his dirty dishes away. He said that the dishes should be left on the table until the diners were done and had walked away. Since we were eating multiple course meals, we wondered where the dishes for the other courses were supposed to be stacked. Did he want all of his food dumped on the same plate? Did he want the dishes arrayed around him like dirty bingo cards?
The Curmudgeon wasn’t content to just complain about Ananda. He also complained when a group of kids marched singing through the dining room because “I didn’t pay to hear this!” In short, he was The Curmudgeon because he complained about everything.
After listening to The Curmudgeon grouse for the seventeenth time, Rayomond decided he didn’t want to get old. He said he would just do away with himself when he reached fifty. Alex immediately said “Why wait? We can take care of that right now.”
Conflicted Guy
The Conflicted Guy was either still in college or just out. He was with a group that looked like college friends. The first time we saw him was at Superstar Karaoke where he was having trouble deciding if he should hang on the girls or the guys. Every time we saw him, in fact, he was having trouble determining which side of the fence he wanted to hang out on. There were two clues that told us which team he was on, however, even if he doesn’t know it yet. First, we saw him at the pool bar and he had a tattoo on his lower back. I’ve seen many women with this type of tattoo but I think it is probably rare on guys – at least the guys I hang out with anyway. Second, we saw him at the disco. If you’ve ever been to a dance of any sort, you’ve seen the following: a popular song starts playing and all the girls who love to dance immediately run, skip or jump onto the dance floor. At the disco, the Conflicted Guy was skipping right along with the girls, every time.
Dancing Girl
The first time we saw Dancing Girl was also at Superstar Karaoke. She was wearing one of her many miniskirts and sitting on some guy’s lap. We noticed her because she was called up to sing an enthusiastic version of Hit Me With Your Best Shot. She did look a little like an older Pat Benatar but the thing that really made her fun to watch was her dancing. If you’ve ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine dances and George describes it as a “full body dry heave” then you can picture exactly what Dancing Girl looked like. Luckily for us, she didn’t restrict her dancing to just karaoke competitions. We saw her in the disco full body dry heaving all over the place. We even saw her have a wild, sexual escapade with her boyfriend’s leg while he completely ignored her. I gotta say, if the Tiki Gal ever did something like that to me there wouldn’t be any ignoring going on – assuming I didn’t die of a heart attack from the shock, of course.
The Dancing Girl was not a good dancer but she was certainly entertaining and gave us plenty to laugh about. Thank you Dancing Girl. I hope you find a boyfriend who will pay attention to you when you have relations with his leg in the middle of a crowded disco. You deserve it.
Stranger nudity
I had a hard time deciding if the stranger nudity on this trip belonged in The Bad category or The Ugly category. While all the stranger nudity we saw was certainly bad, not all of it was ugly so here it is. Our Stranger Nudity started out with the Vintage Crack and Trailer Trash Boob on the first formal night. Just when Dale and I had recovered from rinsing our eyes with tequila, we saw a topless lady on the beach in Roatan. She was the only reason stranger nudity isn’t in The Ugly category, actually, but I did find it a little awkward to try to look everywhere except where the half-naked lady was standing. Finally, the Tiki Gal and I saw a masseuse rip a lady’s top down to her belly button in Costa Maya. This is not a sight I will ever recover from as long as I live. I’m actually wincing as I write this sentence.
As I’ve stated many times before, stranger nudity is seldom anything you want to be involved with. The therapist that is treating Dale and me can vouch for us if you are still skeptical.
The Silver Serenaders
The Silver Serenaders were a group of older folks that… well, sing. We had several run-ins with these folks and always went away shaking our heads. The first incident was when two of the Serenaders turned our breakfast into a circus. We also had lunch with a Serenader and her husband. She had seen the Texas Tenors the night before and told us that one of the Tenors was just as good as Pavarotti. Of course, her hearing aid may have been turned off at the time. You never can tell with those Serenaders.
The Catered Knitting Circle
We walked past a bar on the ship one afternoon and saw a group of older women knitting with a big tray of food on the table in front of them. I only hope that if the Tiki Gal and Daphne take up knitting in their golden years that Dale and I have learned the lesson that Jay tried to teach us. Yes sir, I will have another cup of coffee…
The Ugly
The Manny Pack
We saw a man with a large gut and just below that gut was a huge fanny pack. Daphne immediately christened this phenomenon the Manny Pack. The Manny Pack is a large fanny pack worn by a man in front.
What did he have in that pack? Did he wear it in front to hide something? Do you really need that much stuff to walk around on a ship in the middle of the ocean? The Manny Pack is troubling on many levels. I will say that if Daphne and the Tiki Gal take up knitting or join an elderly singing group, Dale and I will have Manny Packs of our own shortly thereafter. It would only be fair.
The Spectacular Mullet
We saw several mullets onboard the ship but one stood out above the rest. A lady had a mullet that was appropriately short in front and wonderfully long in the back. The thing that put her mullet over the top was that it was curly all over, not in a naturally curly kind of way, but in an “I had my mullet permed” kind of way. It was a curly, luxurious, business-in-the-front-and-party-in-the-back, spectacular mullet. It made me happy every time I saw it.
The Stupid Family
We stopped by the Pig and Whistle pub one afternoon for refreshments and saw The Stupid Family for the first time. The Stupid Family consisted of a Grandfather, Grandmother, Son, Daughter-in-Law and several grandchildren. That day at the Pig and Whistle, both Grandpa Stupid and Stupid Junior were wearing shirts that said “You can’t fix stupid but you can vote it out of office.” We thought the shirts were ironic because this family couldn’t have been more arrogant, rude, and, well, stupid themselves. The Grandpa ordered the waitress around like she worked for him and then told her to get him a beer and a kiss. From the look on her face, she would have preferred to kiss a giant, stinging jellyfish. We saw The Stupid Family several more times and they lived up to their name on each occasion. I guess Stupid is as Stupid does.
