How to Cruise - On the Ship

In honor of our impending cruise upon the brilliant, sparkling waters of the Caribbean, I have decided to share some of the cruising tips and tricks we've learned over the years. The Tiki Gal and I have been on five cruises and Dale and Carol have been on two. On those cruises, we've learned a great deal about what you should and shouldn't do on board the ship and at the ports of call. Hopefully I will be able to use this knowledge to help you avoid the mistakes we've made and get the most out of your cruising experience.

On the Ship

• The first day at sea is a dangerous time for those of you with a light complexion. If you decide to spend that day on the lido deck watching the hairy chest and belly flop contests and climbing in and out of pools and hot tubs, for your own sake, apply sunscreen regularly. On our first cruise, the Tiki Gal and I didn't realize that the Caribbean sun is approximately two-thousand percent more intense than the regular sun and did not reapply sunscreen. We spent three or four hours in the sun having a grand time. When we got back to our stateroom, we realized that we were looking a little pinkish. An hour later, we looked like we had been roasted over a campfire. We used all of the aloe gel we brought with us and most of what was in stock on the ship but I don't think it helped. We were miserable. We couldn't sleep, we couldn't go out in the sun (for fear we would burst immediately into flames), and even showering was painful. Worst of all, we had to dress for a formal dinner while still radiating heat like Chernobyl. Imagine wearing a suit and tie or a long, formal dress (whichever you prefer, I try not to judge) in a sauna turned up to high heat with Icy Hot smeared all over your body while tiny hedgehogs roll around on your skin. If you don't want to experience this feeling, use lots of sunscreen. You'll be glad you did.

• One of the first things you'll notice on the ship is that there are many, many opportunities for you to eat. Actually, if you worked at it you could do nothing but eat all day long. You could spend a few hours at the breakfast buffet, then go to the pizza bar, then to the ice cream bar, then to the lunch buffet, then to the grill for cheeseburgers and fries, then to the sushi bar, then to the coffee shop for a latte and cookies, then to dinner in the dining room, then to the sandwich shop, then to the oriental food bar, then to the midnight buffet, and finally, back in your stateroom, you can order from the room service menu until the breakfast buffet opens once again. I recommend that you not do this for one simple reason: the showers in the staterooms are tiny. Phone booth tiny. If you do nothing but eat all day long you are in imminent danger of outgrowing the shower. Then what are you going to do? You're going to be one smelly tourist, that's what you're going to do. No one likes a smelly tourist so remember to eat in moderation. "Just because it is there" is not a good reason to eat for twenty-four straight hours. Neither is "I paid for it so I'm going to eat it." Just say no. If you don't, your significant other probably will.

• The next danger area on a cruise ship is the casino. You are probably thinking "Of course a casino is dangerous, I could lose all my money!" And while you are correct, this is not the biggest danger you face while gambling. The biggest danger is winning in the casino while all of your traveling companions are losing money faster than GM. Your buddies will start to look at you with envy in their hearts and malice in their eyes. Sometimes this situation can be smoothed over with an offer to buy the next round of drinks or chocolate covered strawberries and you should definitely make this offer. Just remember that you are in the middle of the ocean and it is unlikely anyone would hear the splash when you hit the water.

• You should also beware of folks offering advice while in the casino. On our first cruise with Dale and Carol, a man who may or may not have been drinking told Carol and the Tiki Gal that they should definitely wash their hands after playing the slot machines because someone told him that slot machines were nasty. While this was sound advice, his next tidbit was a little confusing. He was playing a progressive slot machine and the jackpot was around $12,000. He told the girls that the machine wouldn't spit all that money out in quarters because that would be too many quarters. He said that you could figure out how many quarters it would be by multiplying by three. I did notice that the cashiers were eager to make change for this guy.

• Instead of advice on this item, I'm going to make a request. If you happen to find yourself in the karaoke bar with a few cocktails swimming around in your system and you feel the urge to get up on stage and demonstrate your talent, please don't sing anything by Jack Johnson, Garth Brooks, George Strait, Collective Soul, Dwight Yoakam, or anything that Jimmy Buffett has ever done in the past or will ever do in the future. You may think you have a good voice and you may think you can carry a tune and that is fine. Just stay away from the artists I listed above because I don't want to have another one of my favorite songs ruined forever. Based on experiences from our last cruise, I still can't listen to Little Sister or Brown Eyed Girl without breaking down into tears.

• After a day of playing in the pool, watching the sun set across the water, and a romantic dinner followed by dancing in the jazz bar, you and your significant other may feel a little amorous. This is perfectly natural and is a pleasant side effect of cruising. However, please remember that the stateroom walls are really thin. In other words, the people in the next stateroom can hear any sound you make that is louder than normal conversation. Any sound! If you are, um... enthusiastic, everyone around you will know. If you are enthusiastic in the shower, everyone around you will know. Especially, if you are enthusiastic on your balcony where there are only three walls, everyone on that side of the ship will know and they will make up snarky names for you. Be warned!

• When your cruise has ended, if you plan to carry your own luggage off the ship make sure your luggage has wheels. If it doesn't have wheels and it is covered in rough-grained sandpaper, you should definitely let the ship's staff take your luggage off the ship. You will experience less blood loss from the knee area and less ridicule from your so-called friends.

Tune in next time for Part 2 where I make recommendations for your time On the Islands.

This past weekend, Dale and I rated an old favorite.

New Belgium 1554 Black Ale
Color: Black
Skunkiness: 0 skunks
Taste: Smoky and malty with a velvety finish. Grows smoother as it warms.
Comments: A few years ago, we drank 1554 almost every weekend. We ran out and never replenished our supply. I'm glad it is back in my life.
Girl Rating: 5 pints on a scale of 1 or 5
Rating: 4 pints out of 5