The Accidental Vacation, Part 1

As I sat on my patio last night pondering the evil ways of my Truman Show producers, I remembered an event that needed to be documented so it would not be lost in history. This event came to mind because I was trying to barbecue ribs for the Tiki family. I write "trying" because, in early June in Oklahoma, it was so cool outside and the wind was blowing so hard that I could not keep my grill hot enough to cook the ribs. I typically cook ribs at 350 degrees for around an hour. Last night, I could barely keep the grill at 300 degrees with the burners turned up to full volume so the ribs took nearly two hours to cook. Also, instead of my typical grilling attire of shorts and a t-shirt, I was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt and the Tiki Gal was wearing a sweat shirt. As a wise man once said about weather in Oklahoma, however, if you don't like it, just wait five minutes. Today is sunny and warm and much more typical of early summer. I'm not planning on cooking outside today, however, proving that the Truman Show producers are back at it again.

The uncommonly cold evening made me remember something that happened to me a few years ago on a business trip. I flew to Dallas in January on a day trip to meet with my manager. Dallas is typically pretty warm, much like Oklahoma, even in January so all I took for the day was a light jacket, a small portfolio case, and a book (I refuse to get on an airplane without a book for three reasons: 1. I love to read. 2. You can hide in a book so that annoying seat neighbors will leave you alone. 3. It is really boring on an airplane and if you don't have anything to read you might become an annoying seat neighbor.)

The office I was visiting in Dallas was a thirty minute drive from the airport so I rented a car. I went to my meetings, went to lunch, then went to more meetings. Around three in the afternoon, a coworker mentioned that a winter storm was moving into the area with a slight chance of freezing rain and sleet. Driving in Dallas with ice falling from the sky is not my idea of a good time so I decided to leave for the airport even though my flight didn't leave for four hours. Or so I thought...

I made it about halfway to the airport when the sleet began to fall. It was light at first but within a few minutes, a torrential downpour of ice was making it hard to see the road. Luckily, most folks were still working so the highways were relatively empty. I still had to slow down and be extra careful, however, because cars were already sliding all over the road.

I made it safely to the airport with three hours until flight time. I returned my rental car, went through security, and found my terminal. I ate something that bore a slight resemblance to food in the food court and made my way to the gate. Looking out the windows, I could see that the sleet had given way to freezing rain but the ground was still coated with at least two inches of ice pellets.   None of the other flights were being delayed or cancelled, though, so I didn't worry. Boarding started for my flight right on time so I got on the plane, found my seat, and burrowed into my book.

I first noticed that things were going bad when the plane was thirty minutes late leaving the gate. Once we were finally underway, the captain announced that there was a line of planes waiting to be de-iced and that had caused the delay. He then said that we would be getting in that line of planes and that he would keep us updated. I happily got lost in my book. The next thing I knew, I had read at least a quarter of the book but we hadn't moved up too far in the line of planes. I checked the time and was amazed to find that it was 9:30. I called the Tiki Gal on my cell phone (another clue, they were letting us use our phones) and told her I was going to be late. The flight attendants began passing out drinks and the grumbling of the passengers increased in volume and irritability. I'm a laid back kind of guy, however, so I went back to my book.

At eleven o'clock, the captain announced that we were now only ten planes from the front of the line to get de-iced (only ten away after four hours; how long was that line?) but if we didn't make it to the front of the line in the next fifteen minutes, the flight crew would be in danger of exceeding the FAA mandated, twelve hour maximum work day and we would have to turn around and go back to the gate. This announcement was not met with good cheer from the passengers. It had taken us four hours to get near the front of the line. There was no way ten planes would be de-iced in fifteen minutes and we all knew it. You could smell the anger and disappointment in the cabin like an old athletic sock that was forgotten in the bottom of a gym bag.

As expected, fifteen minutes later we were nine planes from the front of the line so we turned around and went back to the gate. We were asked to exit the plane and I made it back into the terminal at midnight. The airline employees then informed us that all remaining flights had been cancelled and we would need to make further flight arrangements in the morning. Grumble, grumble. We were further informed that all the rental car companies were closed due to the fact that the roads currently were more suitable for a Zamboni than a car. Grumble, grumble. And all the hotels nearby were full because very few flights had been able to leave and even fewer of them spent five hours on the tarmac waiting to be de-iced. Big grumble. The icing on the cake came last. Cabs were not running because of the aforementioned need for a Zamboni. Huge grumble. I also learned a useful fact. Ice storms are known in the airline industry as an "Act of God" and an airline is not in any way responsible for the travel or hospitality needs of a passenger due to an "Act of God." I really wanted to recommend an Act that God wouldn't approve of to the grumpy airline employee who imparted this knowledge.

At this point, I was on my own. No hotel, no car, no taxi and no way to leave the airport. If you've seen the movie The Terminal, I was Tom Hanks with a credit card and less hair. I called the Tiki Gal to inform her that I would be spending the evening in Terminal C and noticed that my cell phone battery was perilously low. Of course I didn't have my charger because I was on a stinking day trip! I also didn't have a toothbrush, a bed, or even a book at this point because I had finished mine while waiting to be de-iced. Could it possibly get any worse? Of course it could.

I wandered around Terminal C and noticed that for the hundreds of stranded passengers, the airline had brought out approximately three cots. Of course, those cots were occupied. I did happen to be near a gate where someone was handing out those tiny airline pillows and blankets so I snagged one of each. Walking on, I found that all of the shops and restaurants were closed so I couldn't even buy another book. 

With nothing else to do, I found a quiet gate that was less brightly lit than the others and sat down. Unfortunately, the seats in all the gates were of the variety that have aluminum armrests making it impossible to lie down across a row. I've never been good at sleeping while sitting so after an hour or so of trying to find a comfortable position, I gave up and stretched out on the floor. I covered myself with my tiny blanket, put my head on my tiny pillow on top of my portfolio case, and tried to go to sleep.

Have you ever sat in an airport and listened to all of the announcements? Besides the "Flight 344 to Phoenix is now boarding at Gate 24" type announcements, there are also the announcements like "Please keep your luggage with you at all times. All unattended luggage will be impounded immediately." These announcements are apparently scheduled in ten minute intervals. They are also repeated in Spanish. And most importantly to me at the time, they are very loud and they never stop.  So from two in the morning until four in the morning, I was able to doze in ten minute intervals until the next round of announcements. On the plus side, I now know some Spanish phrases that will never be useful in any situation.

My fitful sleep was finally destroyed for good at four in the morning because a group of airport employees started buffing floors and vacuuming carpets. How did they get to work? They must drive Zambonis.

Tune in next time to find out what happened on Day Two of my accidental, ice inspired vacation in Dallas.