While playing cards the other night, Dale, Carol, the Tiki Gal and I got into a discussion about our impending Caribbean cruise and stumbled across the essential difference between husbands and wives. Before I get to this essential truth, however, you’ll need a little bit of back story.
On our last cruise, Dale and Carol had a balcony room on one side of the ship and the Tiki Gal and I had a balcony room on the other side of the ship. On the very first night at sea, Dale and Carol stepped out on their balcony to enjoy the night air and the soothing sounds of the ocean. Unfortunately for them, the soothing sounds of the ocean were being drowned out by the lusty, moaning sounds coming from the lady on the balcony next door. She and her male companion had decided to take the slogan, “Get out there!” literally. Needless to say, Dale and Carol did not get to enjoy their balcony that evening and we spent the rest of the cruise calling the lady next door Mona Lisa, or just Lisa for short.
Since then, Dale and I have enjoyed joking with Carol and the Tiki Gal about spending some quality time on our own balconies the next time we cruise. On our upcoming cruise, however, our cabins are adjoining which means our balconies are also adjoining so any balcony romance will be hard to conceal. This weekend, Dale mentioned that he and I had worked out a schedule so that we could enjoy our balconies to the fullest without intruding on each other. Of course, the girls thought he was joking which means we’ll have to be less subtle the next time we bring this up, but that is beside the point. Dale then said that according to the schedule, he and Carol had the balcony from 6:00 to 6:05 and the Tiki Gal and I had the 6:05 to 6:10 time slot. I asked what I was going to do with the other three minutes and again, the girls thought I was joking. They are funny like that.
Anyway, Carol was concerned that it would still be light from 6:00 to 6:05 and so perhaps the schedule needed some work. I pointed out that maybe it was from 6:00 to 6:05 a.m. Carol looked slightly disgusted and said that she only gets up early for a few things and that definitely isn’t one of them. Dale reluctantly agreed and said that he could be wearing a donut suit first thing in the morning and it wouldn’t affect Carol at all. Of course, I wanted to know if substituting bear claws or long johns for the donuts would help and, again, the girls thought I was joking. After continued discussion, we decided that a hot sausage roll suit might actually work but the second degree burns Dale would suffer would mean he couldn’t enjoy the fruits of his success. Finally, Dale confessed that even a kolache dickie was unlikely to entice Carol early in the morning. Since the Tiki Gal feels the same way about early mornings, this brings us to the essential truth I alluded to earlier.
Not only would a man not need the donut suit to be enticed early in the morning, our wives could be wearing a rancid cottage cheese nightgown and it wouldn’t even give us pause. Furthermore, we could have a 103 degree fever and have not slept in fourteen days and we would still be in the mood. In fact, there isn’t much that can put us out of the mood. So the essential truth is that wives won’t give up a little sleep for sex while their husbands will give up body parts just for a small chance at it. This seems like a recipe for frustration on both sides to me and is probably the biggest reason we enjoy rum so much.
Since my last post, I invented a new cocktail and Dale and I have had a lot of beer (see previous paragraph.)
Chocolate Covered Strawberries
Color: Red
Ingredients: 2.5 ounces pineapple juice, 2.5 ounces cranberry juice, 2 ounces strawberry rum, 1 ounce Crème de Cacao
Directions: Shake all ingredients with ice
Comments: This drink really tastes like chocolate covered strawberries and, guys, as we all know, girls love chocolate covered strawberries. And if it doesn’t work any better than Dale’s donut suit and kolache dickie for you, at least it contains rum.
Fuller’s 2008 Vintage Ale
Color: Cloudy iced tea
Skunkiness: 0 skunks
Taste: Complex flavors with a hoppy finish. Lemony and sweet.
Comments: My good friend Dale bought me this beer for my birthday. Fuller’s creates a limited supply of the Vintage Ale each year and 2008 was a pretty good year.
Girl Rating: 5 on a scale of 1 or 5
Rating: 4 pints out of 5
Spaten Dunkel
Color: Black
Skunkiness: 0 skunks
Taste: A nice blend of malts and hops. Smooth and drinkable.
Comments: Spaten Dunkel has a light body for such a dark beer.
Girl Rating: 5
Rating: 3.5 pints
Samuel Smith Imperial Stout
Color: Black
Skunkiness: 0 skunks
Taste: Peaty and smoky with a bacon-like finish. If you like dark, woodsy beers, this one is for you.
Comments: Dale said he would need to floss after this one.
Girl Rating: 5
Rating: 4.5 pints
Color: Dark amber
Skunkiness: 0 skunks
Taste: Slightly sweet with a nutty taste at the finish.
Comments: Warsteiner Dunkel reminds us of a not-quite-as-bold Spaten Optimator.
Girl Rating: 5 (the girls are apparently turning into quite the beer fans. They’ve liked them all so far.)
Rating: 3.5
Color: Black with a tan head
Skunkiness: 0 skunks but the Tiki Gal says it smells like old lady perfume
Taste: Hits of caramel and coffee.
Comments: Gets better as it warms. Also, it is much better than the girls give it credit for.
Girl Rating: 1. The streak is over; the girls were not fans. Carol said it tasted like malty, bitter bile and the Tiki Gal thought it tasted like soap.
Rating: 3.5 pints.
Rating: 3.5 pints.
