How to Cruise - On the Ship

In honor of our impending cruise upon the brilliant, sparkling waters of the Caribbean, I have decided to share some of the cruising tips and tricks we've learned over the years. The Tiki Gal and I have been on five cruises and Dale and Carol have been on two. On those cruises, we've learned a great deal about what you should and shouldn't do on board the ship and at the ports of call. Hopefully I will be able to use this knowledge to help you avoid the mistakes we've made and get the most out of your cruising experience.

On the Ship

• The first day at sea is a dangerous time for those of you with a light complexion. If you decide to spend that day on the lido deck watching the hairy chest and belly flop contests and climbing in and out of pools and hot tubs, for your own sake, apply sunscreen regularly. On our first cruise, the Tiki Gal and I didn't realize that the Caribbean sun is approximately two-thousand percent more intense than the regular sun and did not reapply sunscreen. We spent three or four hours in the sun having a grand time. When we got back to our stateroom, we realized that we were looking a little pinkish. An hour later, we looked like we had been roasted over a campfire. We used all of the aloe gel we brought with us and most of what was in stock on the ship but I don't think it helped. We were miserable. We couldn't sleep, we couldn't go out in the sun (for fear we would burst immediately into flames), and even showering was painful. Worst of all, we had to dress for a formal dinner while still radiating heat like Chernobyl. Imagine wearing a suit and tie or a long, formal dress (whichever you prefer, I try not to judge) in a sauna turned up to high heat with Icy Hot smeared all over your body while tiny hedgehogs roll around on your skin. If you don't want to experience this feeling, use lots of sunscreen. You'll be glad you did.

• One of the first things you'll notice on the ship is that there are many, many opportunities for you to eat. Actually, if you worked at it you could do nothing but eat all day long. You could spend a few hours at the breakfast buffet, then go to the pizza bar, then to the ice cream bar, then to the lunch buffet, then to the grill for cheeseburgers and fries, then to the sushi bar, then to the coffee shop for a latte and cookies, then to dinner in the dining room, then to the sandwich shop, then to the oriental food bar, then to the midnight buffet, and finally, back in your stateroom, you can order from the room service menu until the breakfast buffet opens once again. I recommend that you not do this for one simple reason: the showers in the staterooms are tiny. Phone booth tiny. If you do nothing but eat all day long you are in imminent danger of outgrowing the shower. Then what are you going to do? You're going to be one smelly tourist, that's what you're going to do. No one likes a smelly tourist so remember to eat in moderation. "Just because it is there" is not a good reason to eat for twenty-four straight hours. Neither is "I paid for it so I'm going to eat it." Just say no. If you don't, your significant other probably will.

• The next danger area on a cruise ship is the casino. You are probably thinking "Of course a casino is dangerous, I could lose all my money!" And while you are correct, this is not the biggest danger you face while gambling. The biggest danger is winning in the casino while all of your traveling companions are losing money faster than GM. Your buddies will start to look at you with envy in their hearts and malice in their eyes. Sometimes this situation can be smoothed over with an offer to buy the next round of drinks or chocolate covered strawberries and you should definitely make this offer. Just remember that you are in the middle of the ocean and it is unlikely anyone would hear the splash when you hit the water.

• You should also beware of folks offering advice while in the casino. On our first cruise with Dale and Carol, a man who may or may not have been drinking told Carol and the Tiki Gal that they should definitely wash their hands after playing the slot machines because someone told him that slot machines were nasty. While this was sound advice, his next tidbit was a little confusing. He was playing a progressive slot machine and the jackpot was around $12,000. He told the girls that the machine wouldn't spit all that money out in quarters because that would be too many quarters. He said that you could figure out how many quarters it would be by multiplying by three. I did notice that the cashiers were eager to make change for this guy.

• Instead of advice on this item, I'm going to make a request. If you happen to find yourself in the karaoke bar with a few cocktails swimming around in your system and you feel the urge to get up on stage and demonstrate your talent, please don't sing anything by Jack Johnson, Garth Brooks, George Strait, Collective Soul, Dwight Yoakam, or anything that Jimmy Buffett has ever done in the past or will ever do in the future. You may think you have a good voice and you may think you can carry a tune and that is fine. Just stay away from the artists I listed above because I don't want to have another one of my favorite songs ruined forever. Based on experiences from our last cruise, I still can't listen to Little Sister or Brown Eyed Girl without breaking down into tears.

• After a day of playing in the pool, watching the sun set across the water, and a romantic dinner followed by dancing in the jazz bar, you and your significant other may feel a little amorous. This is perfectly natural and is a pleasant side effect of cruising. However, please remember that the stateroom walls are really thin. In other words, the people in the next stateroom can hear any sound you make that is louder than normal conversation. Any sound! If you are, um... enthusiastic, everyone around you will know. If you are enthusiastic in the shower, everyone around you will know. Especially, if you are enthusiastic on your balcony where there are only three walls, everyone on that side of the ship will know and they will make up snarky names for you. Be warned!

• When your cruise has ended, if you plan to carry your own luggage off the ship make sure your luggage has wheels. If it doesn't have wheels and it is covered in rough-grained sandpaper, you should definitely let the ship's staff take your luggage off the ship. You will experience less blood loss from the knee area and less ridicule from your so-called friends.

Tune in next time for Part 2 where I make recommendations for your time On the Islands.

This past weekend, Dale and I rated an old favorite.

New Belgium 1554 Black Ale
Color: Black
Skunkiness: 0 skunks
Taste: Smoky and malty with a velvety finish. Grows smoother as it warms.
Comments: A few years ago, we drank 1554 almost every weekend. We ran out and never replenished our supply. I'm glad it is back in my life.
Girl Rating: 5 pints on a scale of 1 or 5
Rating: 4 pints out of 5

Farewell Summer

Since global warming or El Nino or the Nobel Prize Committee has conspired to turn northeastern Oklahoma into Seattle, I'm shivering in the foggy gloom and remembering the hot, bright, shiny days of summer. When I was a kid, it seemed like summer weather lasted from the beginning of May to the middle of October. Now, summer lasts from July 15th to August 15th. Did Oklahoma move north without my knowledge? Did Congress actually compromise on something and cause hell to freeze over? We may never know the answers to these questions but I will always have my summertime memories.

My summer started in April with the yearly trek to Dallas to see Jimmy Buffett in concert. We sat under palm trees, barely escaped from a potential mass murderer on a shuttle bus, and danced the night away with strange women. We really know how to kick summer off in style.

In June, we took the family to Destin for a week of fun on the beach. We went fishing and para-sailing. We went snorkeling in an area where there were more snorkelers than fish. We ate way too much seafood and found the best beer store I've ever seen.

In July and August, we spent the majority of our time around the pool. As I mentioned above, the hot, summertime weather has been compressed into July and August so we had to take advantage while we could. To make our nights as tropical as possible in Oklahoma, we turned on our electric palm tree. I don't know how the neighbors felt about this twinkling bit of wishful thinking but I certainly enjoyed sitting poolside with a cold drink and watching the lights reflect on the water. Besides, my palm tree isn't nearly as annoying as someone playing Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash at high volume in the early morning hours. The neighbors can just deal with it.

Even though it got cool and wet in early August this year, summer ended the same way it started - with a concert. We saw the Peter Mayer Group play at Blueberry Hill in St. Louis and had Fat Tire on tap. We also know how to close down the summer in style.

Farewell, summer. You will be missed but not forgotten.

Some time back, Carol mentioned that she would like a drink based on a candy apple when the weather turned cooler. This past weekend, we invented this drink and named it appropriately.

Carol's Candy Apple
Color: Red
Ingredients: 2.5 oz. pineapple juice, 2.5 oz. cranberry juice, 2 oz. apple rum, 1 oz. cinnamon liqueur, splash of grenadine
Instructions: Shake all ingredients well and serve over ice.
Comments: Just like with a real candy apple, the subtle apple flavors complement the stronger cinnamon flavors well.

Over the last week or two, Dale and I have also had a few beers.

Chimay Grande Reserve
Color: Dark Amber
Skunkiness: 0 skunks
Comments: We didn't actually rate this beer, although it is very good. We will come back to this one in the near future.

Ayinger Oktoberfest
Color: Golden Amber
Skunkiness: 0 skunks
Taste: Hoppy with a smooth, honey flavor. Buttery and well balanced.
Comments: Ayinger Oktoberfest was the Pint Night special at McNellie's this week.
Girl Rating: The girls didn't get to try this one - we don't always share.
Rating: 4 pints out of 5.

Kostritzer Oktoberfest
Color: Amber
Skunkiness: 0 skunks
Taste: Hoppier than the Ayinger Oktoberfest with a hint of caramel. Very fizzy.
Comments: Not quite as good as the Ayinger Oktoberfest.
Girl Rating: 1 on a scale of 1 or 5.
Rating: 3.5 pints.

I didn't take pictures of the beers we got at McNellie's. People would think I was a bit off if I spent the evening taking pictures of pint glasses. My goal is to make sure that only those who know me well think I'm weird.

The Business Plan

This week, the Changes in Latitudes house hunting tour takes us to Belize where we will choose between two beautiful beach houses. In previous installments, we've looked at houses in Grand Cayman, Cozumel and Honduras. In voting so far, the Cozumel compound is still the choice for the future home of the combined Tiki and Dale and Carol families (as well as others who may decide to join us when we go.) However, the houses in Belize are up to the challenge of taking on the Cozumel compound. As always, vote for your favorite in the comments.

The first entry is a Beachfront Villa on Ambergris Caye. It has four bedrooms and three baths in 9,000 square feet. It also includes a pier, a viewing tower, and two boats. With only four bedrooms, you might think this house is not big enough for our large, growing family. As I've said before, I will happily sleep on the viewing tower, in the boat slip, directly on the beach, or up a coconut tree if I can wake up to that view every day.

At $3.75 million, the Beachfront Villa may be at the top of our price range but I have a plan. Since there are boats included in the price of the house, we will just start a snorkeling expedition company. We can take cruise ship passengers out to the reef, let them splash around in the water for a bit, feed them some cheap Margaritas on the way back to shore, and charge them $100 bucks a head for the trip. The Tiki Gal and Carol would make great hostesses because they are "people persons" while Dale and I could drive the boats and haul the snorkeling gear around. As our little snorkeling company expands, we could add a restaurant and bar at the pier. Dale could then provide the musical entertainment in the bar while I mix drinks and we could turn the snorkeling trips over to our children who would be happy to be a part of the family business (that was sarcasm for those of you who don't know our children.) The Tiki Gal and Carol would not be helping much anymore because they would now be spending most of their time in local politics. Or course, it would all end badly when a guest on a snorkeling expedition has one too many Margaritas on the trip back to the pier, rents a moped, and is then involved in a horrible accident involving an iguana and the police chief's overweight mother-in-law. The snorkeling operation and bar would be shut down in response to the public outcry and the girls would be forced to resign from their positions as Mayor and Ambassador to Mexico. Dale and I would end up playing Jimmy Buffett songs on a street corner with a tip jar at our feet while the girls make the rounds on the local talk shows. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

The second house up for consideration is a four bedroom, three bathroom home of 5,000 square feet with a one bed, one bath guest house. It also has a pier but, thankfully, it doesn't come with boats (after the trouble we got into with the last house with boats, we should avoid them at all times.) It is also much cheaper than the other house at just $1.6 million. We wouldn't need to go into any crazy business ventures to... wait, what is that I see in the garage... bicycles, snorkeling gear and a kayak are included. We could take guests on a bicycle tour of the island and then on a small snorkeling trip off the pier while renting the kayak out for trips around the lagoon. As long as we don't get too ambitious this time, it might work. We definitely will not be serving Margaritas to the guests... unless they are Little Girl Margaritas. I think we might be back in business!

Again, vote for your favorite in the comments. Also, if you have any business plans that will keep me off the streets and the Tiki Gal off of Oprah, I would appreciate those as well.

Last weekend, Carol brought over a "borrowed" cocktail recipe. It is called the Malibu Sunset and the recipe follows.

Malibu Sunset

Color: It looks like a sunset.

Ingredients: 3 oz. orange juice, 3 oz. pineapple juice, 2 oz. coconut rum, cranberry juice

Instructions: Shake orange juice, pineapple juice and coconut rum and pour into a hurricane glass over ice. Top with cranberry juice.